Saturday, December 04, 2010
08:16:00
What a horrible few days.
It's all come crashing down all around me and frankly, I don't know. I just don't know.
I am so pissed at myself but also not at the same time because this thing is another one of those things I can't blame myself for fully, neither can I blame anything/anyone else. All it leaves me in is a confused, troubled, frustrated, unhappy wreck.
I've still got so much on my plate. Still got to write my cover letter. Still got to figure out how to get to and from the Standard Chartered run tomorrow. Still got to figure out how to get to and from my workplace, and how long the journeys would take.
There's still the NVP presentation in about 3-4 hours' time. I hope that goes smoothly.
I just don't have it in me anymore. All the betrayal and blind siding that's happened to me over the past 1 1/2 years has broken me. The initial difficulties are obvious but no one knows what the aftermath feels like. I don't know about other people but for me, I don't know how to get over it. I'm just so cautious and high-strung right now regarding such things, and I wish I weren't, but I don't know if I can afford not to be, because I'm scared. I'm terrified of being bludgeoned with the same weapon again. I'm something I don't want to be but I. Can't. Do. A. Damn. Thing. About. It.
I want to love you. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing that all on my own. I need your reciprocation. But then again, in a Catch-22-esque way, I need to earn your reciprocation, but I can't because I'm in such a state. I can only love you if you love me, but I can't love you because you won't love me till I love you.
Oh for everything to just have a freakin' happy ending...