Friday, August 20, 2010
21:49:00
I was looking through my old entries on this blog late last night, starting from my POP in 2007 till about Jan/Feb 2008 and I really found myself traveling back in time.
Reading about things like football sessions with the old band pals, studying for the O levels, my expectations on how I'd do on my tests/exams and other such things that once were such big things of my life, even perhaps BEING my life back then, just really transported me back to those years. No kidding, I really felt like I was 16 again for awhile.
It was a weird feeling, because those old memories are both good and bad. Good because they were simpler times; I was more sure and steadfast in my opinions and actions, and there were so many fewer shades of grey and heck, some things seemed just black and white back then. Things just seemed so much easier to understand back then. It was so much easier to take a stand on one side of the fence and stick with it.
On the flip side, I saw how naive and headstrong I was back then. While it definitely feels nice to be able to take a stand and stick by it, I'm amazed at how easily I disregarded the opposite opinion back then. I thought I knew everything I needed to know back then; obviously that wasn't the case.
So it was a matter of reading what I wrote and feeling both good and bad about the same exact words, at the same exact time. It's a very weird feeling, one that in itself isn't good or bad. There was just a sort of tingling sensation somewhere in my head.
This added on to the fact that 1) it was late and 2) that I am still slowly picking myself up and walking away from the issue I mentioned in the previous post. It left me feeling very... I don't know. I'd say introspective but that wasn't the entirety of it so I can't really use that word. That said, after I stopped reading, I went to lie on my bed and think about all I had been before, all that I am now, and what I might be in the future.
I thought about the old times, about the times when all I concerned myself with was my studies and the band. I thought about my current situation, still in the midst (though nearing the end) of my poly education and still obviously affected by that aforementioned problem. I thought about how things could maybe become better in the future, for example meeting that special someone on my internship, hahah.
Yeah, I know that's probably a pipe dream but I'm not the most optimistic of people and thinking things like these at least bring a smile to my face, if not as a result of genuine hope and optimism, then at least because I was amused at my own imagination.
I went to sleep and had a funny dream. For some unknown reason my Dad was living/working/something in, of all places, NORTH KOREA, and my brother and I went over to visit him. Funnily though, it wasn't like all military and communist and strict and whatnot, it was just normal, though I remember joking with my brother about some of their propaganda which was seriously funny.
Then, and I'm not sure if this was also in North Korea or whether it was a different setting (my dreams tend to jump here and there), I went with my brother to some office where my girlfriend (no one in particular, just some generically-sweet-looking girl my brain thought up) worked. Think it was just a courtesy call or something. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about girls at the moment, hah.
Today was lazy. Spent the whole day at home because basketball was canceled due to lack of numbers. Luckily SK came over for some gaming. I'd be bored out of my pants if he hadn't turned up.
Well, that's it for now. I still am quite intrigued by the odd feeling I felt last night. It seemed... comfortably numb, something like that. Heh, weird stuff.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
20:58:00
I am everything you could ever want, but it will never be;
Unless you are willing to change that much, but I could never do that to thee.
Well, that's that then. I'm moving on. I just hope I don't have to make such hard decisions again if I do meet another one who moves me in such a way.
It's uncanny, really. Two in a freakin' row. I don't know what to think.
But I'm moving on. All I'll think of now is my exercise, my studies and my leisure time.
It's hard to move on. I mood-swung for something like 3 or 4 whole days, and I really do mean whole days, since I don't have school to busy me now that I'm in the holidays. To all who've helped me in one or another, thanks. This isn't going to work out though.
So I now continue on this journey of self-discovery we call life. That's how I see things anyway; life is one long journey, the destination being self-realization and enlightenment as to where one stands in his or her life. Some people's journeys are longer than others, some people's destinations are fancier than others, but it all boils down to the same thing in the end.
I'm only 19, but I feel I've logged a high mileage already. Still lots more ahead of me, and to be frank I don't know what to expect. In some ways I'm weary already, for I feel that I've traveled more than a 19 year old should have. Faced many more obstacles than the average 19 year old. But although I am tired and can be a little bitter about the fact, it's also a fact that all this just means that I know myself better, earlier, than others. I like that.
It's a personal satisfaction kind of thing. This kind of experience doesn't really have a physical manifestation, though maybe I do give off a more weary, well-traveled air than most of my peers. That said, it's probably only possible to see that by talking to me and/or getting to know me.
2 more years? Hopefully it won't take that long for the next girl to walk into my life, and hopefully the only thing I'll need to worry about then is how to woo her and nothing else.
So goodbye yellow brick roadWhere the dogs of society howlYou can't plant me in your penthouseI'm going back to my ploughBack to the howling old owl in the woodsHunting the horny back toadOh I've finally decided my future liesBeyond the yellow brick road
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
00:32:00
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,joyfully, playfully watching me.But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,logical, responsible, practical.And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,clinical, intellectual, cynical.There are times when all the world's asleep,the questions run too deepfor such a simple man.Won't you please, please tell me what we've learnedI know it sounds absurdbut please tell me who I am.Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,liberal, fanatical, criminal.Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you'reacceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!At night, when all the world's asleep,the questions run so deepfor such a simple man.Won't you please, please tell me what we've learnedI know it sounds absurdbut please tell me who I am.I keep walking.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
12:14:00
Didn't shoot quite so well last night, but made up for it with some Tenacious D (whoever gets the reference, give yourself a high five!).
I think I rebounded pretty well as a whole, but the thing I most liked was the fact that I managed 4 blocks. Maybe it's because they don't come around often, but blocking always feels awesome. No disrespect to my friends though. I know there's just this not-too-comfortable feeling when you get blocked but these are my friends I'm talking about here so I don't mean such things.
Other than that... yesterday was uneventful. I'm just taking things slow this holidays so far. School drains so much out of me that quiet time is pretty damn good relaxation already.
Oh yeah, had a long chat with Yu Qing last night. Haven't done such a thing for a long time already. Always nice to talk to her. Amazing how we can still chat after moving in such different directions, and for so long too.
Well, that's all for now. Not much to say, really =/
Thursday, August 12, 2010
20:45:00
It's been a lazy week, really lazy. I haven't even left the house except to run and buy food.
You know, I really appreciate being able to run the way I do now. From this current standpoint, I really have NO IDEA how I managed to live with being 95kg+ last time. It just seems like a world away, like two different people.
With music and my thoughts, I can run 10km in just over an hour (1 hour 10 mins would be a safe estimate) or so. I don't know for sure because I usually run something between 7 to 9km at most, and have only tried a longer distance once, when I went for 11km and pretty much blew myself out just after passing the 10km mark. I think I completed that run in about an hour and 20 minutes.
But anyway, as I was saying, running is therapeutic for me. For me, physical exertion represents honesty. Sweat doesn't lie. If you pushed yourself, you feel it. There's no lie about it, whether it's running or basketball or whatever.
Of course, it's a huge added benefit that running keeps me physically fit. My stamina is incredible compared to when I first started, I can last longer not only on my runs but also in basketball, I move faster and feel lighter due to all the dropped kilos... the benefits are endless. I feel great physically, certainly better than I've EVER been.
Running provides me with an outlet. It's a cliche, I suppose, but running helps a lot in stress relief, most of the time. Many a time I've come back from a run feeling refreshed mentally. If I was feeling lousy due to some decision I had to make, I'd come back from a run feeling more positive and ready to make a choice. If I were feeling lousy due to large amounts of schoolwork, I'd come back from a run feeling ready and raring to go, to finish what I had to. Most of the time anyway.
Anyway on other issues, having all this free time has allowed me to get re-acquainted with cable TV schedules hahah. The early evenings (6 o'clock) are the time to start watching. Slam Dunk on Animax (although I've seen it before it's nice to watch again), Simpsons, Family Guy, comedies like How I Met Your Mother and Everybody Loves Raymond... so on and so forth. I don't really laugh out loud at most of the jokes, but to me these shows are all very watchable indeed. Of those, Slam Dunk and the Simpsons are my favourites. Oh yeah, even though I'm not a car buff, Top Gear is fantastic too.
You also have wildcards from HBO sometimes. Although they don't happen much, I have had days where HBO broadcasted two nice movies in a row (maybe more) and I find myself unwittingly leaving an ass groove in my sofa. Not happened so far this hols though. They keep showing Terminator Salvation and I'm not interested in that. They also seem to be showing Lethal Weapon 4 a lot nowadays. I'd be more interested if I hadn't seen it before on the same channel. Now if they had a Lethal Weapon or Die Hard marathon (like the whole franchise), I'd totally watch that.
Speaking of TV, I still haven't gotten the DVD for The Book of Eli. 'Real-life Fallout' is very interesting to me, so much so that I haven't even really read the synopsis for the movie for fear of spoiling it for myself. I'll probably get it one of these days, when I get bored enough hah.
Lastly, for the heck of it I've gotten the mp3s for the opening and ending themes (the first ones) of Slam Dunk. I find it funny how the song lyrics have hardly anything to do with the show, but they do sound pretty nice, especially the ending theme. Maybe it's partially what the manga/anime means to me, but they strike a chord with me.
I'm not much of an anime or manga fan, but I appreciate good storylines regardless of the source. I've been interested by mainstream comics like Spiderman, or deeper ones like Watchmen. Some Japanese stuff have caught my attention, despite my general western-ish preferences. I've read stories and seen movies set in a variety of settings, whether they be a quiet village in the countryside of England or in a dystopian over-crowded city of the future. Equal opportunity consumer hahah.
Anyway I'm looking forward to more basketball tomorrow, and a possible sleepless night cos I had a rather lengthy nap in the afternoon and didn't go for a run today. Well, what happens, happens.
P-A-C-K-J-A-M - Pack Jam
Sunday, August 08, 2010
18:00:00
Begun slowly, but slowly grew into form and ended off shooting well during Friday's basketball session.
My free-throw line jumper is still the closest thing I have to a consistent offensive threat, and I hit something like 3 or 4 in a row at one point of time. Also, my turnaround fadeaway got me some points, though that's probably down to the fact that Faris and Shi Zheng don't play ball much and have less basketball IQ than the likes of Jia Hao, for example. That said, felt nice to just keep scoring.
I still think that I'm primarily an under-the-basket kind of player, the kind that just rebounds and cleans up stuff, scoring easy baskets and providing post defense. It's kinda boring in the sense that there's no highlight reel stuff in my arsenal but hey, whatever works.
Caught Inception yesterday. Not as mind-blowing as I've read in some places, but at the very least, it left me thinking after it ended. Too many movies you can just leave without them having left an impression on you, but this one did. It didn't really challenge my mind but it at least made me think. Story was nicely done, though I'd have to say that the ending was really predictable. After all that had gone on in the movie, anyone who truly expected a happy ending is either an eternal optimist or clearly hasn't seen enough of these kind of movies.
And... my hols are here. I'm bored to tears already, hah. Today has been incredibly lazy. I feel a little dissatisfied, but, that said, if there's one thing I've learnt to treasure as a result of everything I've been through over the last year+, it's that dull and quiet is almost always better than exciting and noisy. My opinion, anyway.
Listen; you know I love you but I just can't take this
You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps
Although I need you I'm not gonna make this
You know I want to but I'm in too deep.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
21:24:00
I'm back.
No, I haven't abandoned my livejournal, but I figure sometimes I want to say things that I think is suitable for anyone and everyone to read, so I guess I'll use this as the platform on which to do so.
Well, school's out! Not officially; there's still Friday before the term comes officially to an end, but for me it's over. I have one lecture on Fridays but the teacher completed the lectures on Tuesday and so I'm free, for now at least.
3 straight weeks of holidays are now staring me in the face and I'm gladly staring back with a stupid grin on my face. Yes I know I have papers to study for, and two reports to do, but right now all I can think of is sleep, play, eat, and whatever the hell else I feel like doing.
There IS one personal project I'm going to undertake, but patience is key and for now I will wait. The timing isn't right yet. That said, I'm definitely going into this. I'll have to keep myself in check constantly though.
I'm really tired right now. I suppose that comes with being awake since 7 in the morning and rushing out a presentation. It didn't exactly go fantastic, but I hope it was good enough (by my standards). Just came off a couple of hours of Borderlands just to let my brain rest, although that sure didn't do my eyes any favours.
Well, nothing much else to say for now. Till next time then (which could be very long).
I'm still Alive.