Thursday, September 02, 2010
22:00:00
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still MY journey, and mine alone.
It's complicated, for me anyway, when deciding if I should let someone else's path intersect with mine. First, there's the fact that I'm naturally a rather selective person when it comes to friends (though I still do my best to be polite and friendly to everyone), and after that I still have to think about exactly how much of my journey they will travel with me.
There have been a few who have walked with me for most of the journey so far. Shi Kai, for example, has been pretty much a constant since secondary one. But given differing routes, different lifestyles, different friends and different activities, not many others have been able to accompany me throughout.
I'm really, really glad that despite the vastly different roads we're on, some friends are still within sight. It's like they're on the opposite side of the highway or something; totally different direction, but still I can actually see them. People like Yu Qing, for example, who incidentally seems to be able to read me like a book sometimes, especially in matters of the heart. It's uncanny, really.
Then there's the biggest new addition, Clara. First knew her back when I was sec two when she joined the band, of course, and I always appreciated her presence in the section because she was the only ever-present, rock-solid junior of the ones I had to take care of when I took over. Everyone else did something or other to make me want to tear my hair out at some point of time in my 1 1/2+ years as SL.
Somehow she gets me and has been a real pillar of reliability over the past half a year+. Funny how we never really got to know each other before. Life can surprise you even with familiar people and things, I guess.
Anyway this brings me back to me having to concentrate on the fact that, even though there'll be people who will cross my path, and the closer ones among them probably even accompanying me like some party member in an RPG, this is still my journey. I'm slowly dealing with making the choice to walk away from someone who shook my heart (which is incredibly difficult), and it's not been easy, though it certainly has been less topsy-turvy nowadays as compared to, say, two weeks ago.
Looking at what I know of her own path, I don't think it could work out. Either I'd have to completely change my route, or she'd have to, and I can't accept either of those choices. I want to live my life as I want to, and want everyone to have the right to, so I'd never change that drastically and neither can I bring myself to make her, or anyone for that matter, change that much.
I toy with the idea of just being friends, which I suppose would be the mature thing to do. Yet I also think that that could just be an invitation to more hurt. Net result: lots of hesitating and basically getting nothing done.
I haven't spoken to her for some time now. In reality it hasn't been THAT long, but it feels somewhat longer in my head. Sometimes I feel like picking up my phone and finally just shooting off a message her way, other times I think it wouldn't be worth the trouble.
I still hesitate. Maybe I just need to keep on my path until I can no longer see her, or even a silhouette of her, when I turn around.
The journey I choose to undertake is a lonely one. I need to learn to accept that there are inevitably going to be times where I wish I'd chosen a different path. I must take the bad with the good. I must remember that with me, it will always be about balance.
Balance.