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Winston Zhang
28 March
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Man Utd [Since '99]
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Monday, March 02, 2009
21:28:00
Man, what happened to me?
I used to have tons of things to say and tons of ways to say them. But all I've got recently is a whole load of emptiness.
I read through entries of mine from over the past year or so, and I really used to have so much more to talk about, to ponder on, to work the grey matter over. Posts used to come much more frequently back then too. So there was both quality and quantity back then. Now, there's neither.
Maybe it's because my life has become that much more boring since then. There used to be so much more happening in my life, both good and bad.
You know, even though this blog is public and open to anyone to read, its main purpose is really to give me some perspective on the changes in my life and how I react to them. Sort of like one long-ass reflection worksheet or something, except that in this case it's actually useful.
Reading my previous posts also gave me food for thought, besides wondering why I have so little to write about these days. Maybe it's cos I don't update often, but I seem to jump from one major event in my life to another. I only have to go back a few pages to read about the biggest lie that's been told to me recently, for example.
Speaking of which, I think that... incident has had a much bigger and far-reaching effect on my life than I first thought it would. In many ways it probably represents the last chance I'm giving to life, the world and the people in it. Life has disappointed me in many ways, and me being the kind of person I am, I probably would've given up on it long before this incident, but apparently, my heart screamed out to give this godforsaken world one more chance, and I did. Of course, we all know how that turned out, and now it would seem that I'm more cynical than ever.
Even the nicest people I meet almost all turn out to have some hidden agenda of some kind in the end. I don't go out much, so I have alot of time to think about things, and I come up with solid theories on alot of different people. I say 'solid' because those theories account for everything the person says or does, no hanging doubts.
If there's one thing I've come to a conclusion about with all this thinking, it's that the nicest, most seemingly perfect people in the world are all dirty, stinkin' liars. Okay, maybe I shouldn't say 'nicest', because some people genuinely are nice, but the ones I mean are those that seem to be perfect. There's no one perfect on this world, and, as I've said before, I'd be more inclined to believe or like someone for what they appear to be if they had flaws rather than if they appeared perfect.
An extension of that theory would be that, since perfection is impossible, it would stand to reason that those who appear perfect are putting on a show, for whatever reason. You've got the scheming motherfuckers, you've got people who just act nice to know more about you so they've got leverage on you, and many more types. Motherfuckers, all of them.
My closest friends, they're all really nice people but they've all also got some glaring character flaws which they mostly admit to. That's real, that's genuine. And that, coupled with whatever else you go through with them, makes for strong, real friendships that last. In contrast, friendships with people who are just nice all the time don't last, cos they're unreal. People might not consciously realize it but I think everyone has that feeling way in the back of their mind that some (usually the majority) of their friendships won't last for much longer than the period where they're in the same class/CCA/whatever.
Me, I just bring that feeling to the forefront of all my social situations. On the one hand, it makes me appear to be a cold, unfeeling sonofabitch, but on the other hand, it ensures that I stay away from the biggest bastards. There's also that grey area some people fall into though, in my mind. People who fall into this category are genuinely nice people who I just can't relate to and therefore can't form a real friendship with. These people, I don't have a single problem with, but there's never going to be much of a relationship here either.
If anyone reads this and finds themselves fitting into the 'dirty, stinkin' liars' category when they think that they haven't actually done anything to reveal their hand, well, hello there! That's right, I've seen through your facade. It might trick many people, and you might think that you're some kind of mastermind, but guess what? You don't really know a goddamn thing, jerkoff.
Cynicsm might reign supreme in my head, but I still try to be nice, or at least only for as much as I need to/think the person I'm talking to is entitled to. I never mean any harm, but allow me to have my prejudices eh?
That's all for now... I do realize that this post has been quite a hodge-podge mess of ideas and thoughts, with next to no organisation, but whatever. The message got across and that's all that really matters in the end.