Monday, December 01, 2008
22:21:00
It was a combination of factors.Frustration over the amount of tasks ahead of me. Over the fact that while it isn't long, it feels like it is. Frustration over uncertainty. Over pessimism. Frustration at myself.Napping didn't help. Another one of those naps that left me feeling more frustrated than before, because of the added effect of lethargy.Frustration at myself was due to my cowardice. It's so stupid to be so... afraid. Especially when it's the only way for me to pursue my happiness. It's really much too stupid. I've resolved to put aside my lack of courage. It shall not hold me back any longer.Tasks at hand... Sometimes they look so intimidating, sometimes they look so easy. Really don't know which face it'll show in the coming days. Uncertainty is my biggest enemy. Always has been. I hate being kept in suspense unnecessarily. Sure is unnecessary in this aspect.More than anything it was my frustration at myself that filled me with so much pent up rage. I'm just lucky I have Led Zep's music. I'd be dead if not for them.I've always been very logical, very factual, very down to earth and sensible. But there's two sides to every coin, and I'm no different. My irrationality just isn't very obvious because I always try to be the bigger man, to accomodate people, to compromise my own beliefs for other people. I always try to do that.Sometimes it just comes back to bite me in the arse.People take it for granted, thinking that I'll always be the one who gives other people alot of leeway in the way they interact with me.I have always been the nice guy. I may not help all the time but I never intentionally hurt anyone either, not unless that person really deserves it. And even then, I usually don't.I have alot of patience. But please, don't stretch me....I don't even know where I'm going with this post. I guess it's just frustration over what I perceive to be a lack of respect shown to me. It's something that has plagued me for about three years or so already. I don't know, maybe I'm just over-sensitive? God knows I have that flaw.Frustration at myself. I need to overcome that barrier. All chips in, no backing out. I have to do it for myself. I need to stop being so stupid in this particular matter. My happiness is at stake.As for being taken for granted... I think, besides my family, only two people have not taken me for granted. It's a sad set of statistics, but is it any surprise when I function the way I do? Doesn't make it any easier to accept, of course.------------------------------------------For such a logical person, is it interesting to note that I like to read my horoscope? I can be considered to be quite a superstitious person... But the logical side of me makes sure that I take what I read in my horoscope with a pinch of salt. Sometimes though, they really do match what happens/happened in real life. No kid.At any rate it's recommended (by the stars, heh) that I remain optimistic through these trying times. While it seems kinda hard to do so at the moment simply cos things look quite bleak, I guess there's no harm in doing so.Hope everything works out for me. Both in my studies as well as in my pursuit of happiness.Cheers.