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Winston Zhang
28 March
NAPS
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Man Utd [Since '99]
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Trumpet
ROCK
Music Junkie
Thursday, June 12, 2008
04:05:00
It's 4.05am. And to think I said 2.50am was an ungodly hour to be updating, haha.
The only reason I'm still up is the fact that I had a nap in the afternoon and now I'm wide awake. There really isn't much to do at this hour and besides, I felt like updating.
Holidays have been enjoyed so far, but I gotta start studying soon. I'm a serial procrastinator, and this habit will kill me if I don't learn to kick it, and soon. That said, most of the stuff I have to study seems pretty simple, I should be fine with most of it with a week's worth of solid studying.
I have my headphones on at the moment, with Liquid Tension Experiment rocking away. They really do produce some beautiful music, both extremely technical yet also amazingly musical at the same time. It's not difficult to find very technical bands (Racer X, for one), nor is it very difficult to find musically appealing and accessible music (pop songs, rock songs etc) but it's very difficult to find bands which produce a well-blended mixture of the two. So far LTE and Dream Theater (both bands are related, check wikipedia to see what I mean) are the only bands I know who successfully mesh the two aspects together. I prefer LTE though, simply because they only produce instrumental music. It makes them have to convey messages and images via the medium of music only, no words involved. And by Jove, they do it really well.
Well, in other matters, I don't really know how to feel. Many times I look at all the aspects of the situation, as well as her character, and I don't think it fits me. I would not be able to satisfy her, in that sense. Of course, we're talking long-term here. I don't believe in flames which die out quick. That's why I think I should just be letting this one go.
Unless she gleaned some knowledge from that previous post of mine, she doesn't know it either. The fact that I like her, that is. I suppose it's a sign of the effect that last one had on me, that now I don't even want to throw myself in and chance my arm. All the logic stacks up and now I find myself deciding not to take the risk.
That said, I don't think I'll be fully giving up. Just waiting to see what develops. When it comes to a more definitive stage, then I'll make my decision.
Anyway, all this has made me think. Think about my love life and the future of it. Personally I don't think it's likely that I'll have any satisfaction on that front in my life. And before you start castigating me for being a pessimist, I'm not just saying that because of my poor track record. These words of mine come from the realization of my character, and what (usually) makes me tick. I hardly think any girl would be truly interested in a guy whose main interests either fall into the unappealing category (playing video games) or are reaaaalllyyy boring unless you like it (thinking life through, looking at the nuances and laughing at the ironies).
Most want someone fun, someone who can make them laugh and so on. I think I can make people laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty skewed, meaning most people don't laugh at the things I would laugh at. There's a slight sadistic, sarcastic streak to my brand of humour, and I enjoy jokes which make references to pop culture. Of course, I'm very capable of making lame jokes as well (anyone who has seen me with Marcus Leong can testify to this, haha), but they usually only work with him cos the jokes which are cracked contain at least a sliver of the aforementioned factors.
I'm not someone who enjoys the traditional idea of fun. Personally I find it to be too... Easy. That's one way to put it. Much the same way I choose to have only a handful of friends (but all of whom I trust fully), I choose only to have fun which does not encompass or deal with simple pleasures like group singing or dancing or whatever else. Cheap entertainment. They do serve their purpose, but no, not for me. I tend to sneer at such things.
Now, I don't mean to sound like a snob. I just don't like these kind of things, and the whole basis behind them. Perhaps I am wrong in the sense that I search for intermediate things immediately when it would be more appropriate or expected to be searching for the easy things first. But this just means I demand more, and I don't think that's a fault.
Oftentimes I appear as if I look down on people, but no, I almost never mean to. I just search for the more important things in potential friends, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. I don't really like messing around with things like small talk, although I know that is the key to 'success'. The end result: Few friends. But I like the fact that while I might only have a handful of friends, I can trust each and every one explicitly.
That's why sometimes I look at how some of my friends handle social situations and I tend to disapprove. But still, I do admire the way they are able to make themselves so easily approachable. It is a positive trait, for sure. I just personally don't believe in the underlying logic of it.
I don't mean to change anyone's belief in the matter at hand, neither am I slamming people who follow such ideals. I just state my own opinion. To each his own.
Anyway I seem to have veered off my original topic. Almost always happens. I tend to just go with the flow of ideas in my mind and while that makes for some enjoyable reads, sometimes I just fly off tangent and never come back.
So as I was saying... Yeah, I don't think many girls would be interested in a guy like me. Furthermore, all I have to sell on at the moment is the power of my character. No looks whatsoever, no siree, hahahaha.
While it's not a particularly preferred route, I think I would be able to survive without someone to call my own. The things which satisfy me... Far greater in proportion. Somehow I believe that, if I ever do find all the answers to all the questions I have, I might die immediately upon finding them. Purely because these questions are long-term affairs which can only be solved through experience and long (cumulated) hours of just turning the things over in my mind. It is a huge mystery, and I love it.