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Winston Zhang
28 March
NAPS
AMKSS
SP
Man Utd [Since '99]
Football
Video Games
Trumpet
ROCK
Music Junkie
Sunday, June 01, 2008
12:04:00
From sheer satisfaction to asking for more in the short span of 24 hours. Humans, the greediest of organisms.
If you're wondering where that's coming from, well, it's from my own feelings. By the time Friday ended I was feeling really good, as everything over the course of the week had worked out, and worked out well at that too. Then we got to Saturday and I began asking for more out of life again.
Various things made me feel... eh... Sort of neglected, under-appreciated. In the grand scheme of things I suppose I only have myself to blame for that, but at the same time it isn't my fault either. Being myself (specifically myself, not in a general term) in Ang Mo Kio just doesn't cut it. So I experienced the two extremes of what I felt (and still feel) about AMK in between Thursday and Saturday.
I wrote about what I felt on Thursday. Nostalgia, a feeling of being at home, a feeling of being at peace with oneself, etc etc. Then we come to Saturday and I felt myself becoming an alien again, an all too common feeling from years gone by. I say that I have myself to blame because the way I go about things, how I react to things and so on is not exactly accepted in AMK. In that sense, I am at fault. On the other hand, being myself is not actually wrong, because at the end of the day, I hurt no one, at least not intentionally. On top of that I gain a very good perspective on things. So, in this way it's far from being my fault that things are like that.
I suppose there is a reason why I prefer catching up with myself, rather than with friends when I go back to AMK. The culture clash is just too great for any friendships to be truly fulfilling for indefinite periods of time. I've made quite a number of friends in my time at AMK, and some of them are/were really close at that too, but then I count the number that have broken down for one reason or another and I think, 'What do friendships count for in this culture?'. It's not just me either. I've seen at least 2 or 3 seperate cases of people who were once the closest of friends become enemies. That's right, enemies. Not just 'I'll do my own thing and you do yours', but rather 'Fuck you, I'm gonna slit your throat'.
Do you know how sad it is to see such occurances? Nevertheless they seem to be normal enough for people not to make a big hoo-hah about it, and I'm perplexed by it all. Friendships are meant to be cherished, to be nurtured and to be coveted. Not to be thrown around like a rag, using it to clean up messes then just discarding it. Too wrong, just too wrong. It's all too goddamn wrong.
Anyway, to get back to the personal aspect of things, I suppose I lead a charmed enough life, in terms of the 'business' side of things, like my schoolwork and so on. However, when there's yin there must be yang, and I think the poor state of affairs that is my social life (in AMK at least) balances things out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not slating the AMKsians. All I'm saying is that my ways, while generally accepted in society as a whole, garner negative reviews from the AMK side of things. I'm not wrong, but then neither are they.
It's because of that last thought right there, that last sentence, that makes me sometimes just want to forget everything I went through in AMK, good and bad. I should never have gone there, but I did. And I survived. Most people would look at this and think 'What is wrong with you, AMK isn't that bad. It's you who's got the problem', and to a certain extent that is true. However, it isn't easy, in fact it's almost impossible, to appreciate the hurdles I had to overcome, the mountains I had to scale, to get to where I am now. And even then, it's not enough.
Even my friends in SP with me who came from TKSS where they never had to change their ideas on how to speak and how to act and are having some problems adjusting to life in Poly now at least still have each other and me to fall back on at the end of the day. I didn't have anyone throughout my time in AMK. I was stuck in the forest, on my own, with only my wits to guide me. Not easy.
I really don't know how I should feel on the subject. Not my fault, but also my fault. What a conundrum. The only consolation I have now is that I can slowly dissect the situation in my own time without having to live through it at the same time. It's easier that way.
Other things now. I'm writing what I'm writing here based on what I THINK is the situation. No hard evidence, no nothing to back me up, but I'm just gonna go on my gut feeling on this:
I'm sure you know how I feel. You're not stupid and besides, I haven't exactly made it very inconspicuous either. I do feel things for you, though I'm still apprehensive of throwing myself too deep in because of past experiences (especially the last one... that broke me). As such, I can't bring myself to fully say what I want to say. Heard of the phrase 'Once bitten, twice shy'? That applies to me, but with the added factor of the last bite being a criticial blow to my confidence in such matters. I find it immensely difficult to say what I want to say, for fear of of being bitten again. I know it sounds cowardly and weak, but the last one really broke me. It broke my spirit, it broke my belief in human life, it broke me, period. I've recovered alot of that since, with the help of friends and my own ability to pick myself up from the worst setbacks, but there's always going to be one piece that's missing and will not be found.
Therefore, it gets to the stage where I think too much, and have see-saw emotions on the subject. Sometimes I really want you, sometimes I don't. Blame my mind, it thinks too much. Blame the last girl, she crushed me. I don't know anymore.
I do know one thing though. I don't treat such relationships lightly, and I can swear that you will not be disappointed. But of course, that's only if you want it. Your call, I'm waiting for it.
If you still don't know who you are, never mind. If you don't want it, leave things be. Even a logical person like me needs intangible and illogical things like dreams.
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Okay, out of that now. My internet conked out on me though (I'm typing this post in my mum's office on my laptop, using the wireless here). Hope it fixes soon, the damn thing. Chose the perfect time to fail on me, ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY HOLIDAYS.
Nothing to be done but to wait for it to fix itself, or to call Singtel about it if it still doesn't work after tomorrow. What a pissoff.