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Winston Zhang
28 March
NAPS
AMKSS
SP
Man Utd [Since '99]
Football
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Music Junkie

Friday, December 24, 2010

22:13:00

Well, 3 weeks of the attachment down. 9 more to go. Not that it's so bad that I have to count down, but... yeah.

It's been a rough week. Not work-wise, there's nothing too much happening there. Personal matters... sigh.

I don't know how to put this out here. I'm just really sad and disappointed. That said, I've experienced worse, in a way. So this time it feels horrible but not that bad at the same time. It's quite confusing, really. Sometimes my brain concentrates on the obvious sadness of being rejected (again...) and I feel like shit, other times it concentrates on the fact that this time things didn't completely, utterly blow up so it's not THAT horrible and I feel... blank.

Problems, problems, problems.

Anyway, it's Christmas. Forgive me for being a little sour about it. To me the whole warm image of being with loved ones that Christmas perpetuates just makes me feel a little worse about my loneliness. Not that I have anything against anyone who's enjoying themselves and completely in the spirit of things; I just reserve the right to be sour on my own.

At any rate, Merry Christmas to anyone who reads this. I hope you're having a better one than I am :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

23:15:00

Well that's my first ever week of work life over with then.

It's been somewhat uneventful. Nothing too great and nothing too bad either. I wouldn't mind if the rest of the 3 months were like this. Just been doing some admin stuff, stuff that's really tedious and takes a long time but is fundamentally simple. Could be worse, that's what I think.

I'm actually quite afraid I might put on lots of weight during this attachment period though. All day just sitting in an office, the only break being lunch of course (meaning break = calories piled on). It doesn't help that, for some reason, even though I've been skipping lunch for years, nowadays I feel really hungry come 12 pm. Even ate $5 worth of yong tau foo on Wednesday zzz.

Quite tired right now, but kinda energized by the fact that I've got my weekend ahead of me. That feeling never gets old. I wonder when's the next time I can play bball though. Maybe only when Tommy comes back. And even then other people might not be free. Ah well.

Oh, almost forgot! There's a really cute and well-behaved golden retriever who comes around to Valley Point (where I'm working) every Tuesday and Thursday. He's seriously big and cute. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just so cool to have something like him around. One of the little interesting tidbits I can look back on when I'm done with my 3 months.

His name's Puffy! He's got a Facebook page too hahah. Search 'puffy de vp' if you're interested.

Anyway that's it for now I guess. Here's hoping stuff works out well for me :)

Saturday, December 04, 2010

08:16:00

What a horrible few days.

It's all come crashing down all around me and frankly, I don't know. I just don't know.

I am so pissed at myself but also not at the same time because this thing is another one of those things I can't blame myself for fully, neither can I blame anything/anyone else. All it leaves me in is a confused, troubled, frustrated, unhappy wreck.

I've still got so much on my plate. Still got to write my cover letter. Still got to figure out how to get to and from the Standard Chartered run tomorrow. Still got to figure out how to get to and from my workplace, and how long the journeys would take.

There's still the NVP presentation in about 3-4 hours' time. I hope that goes smoothly.

I just don't have it in me anymore. All the betrayal and blind siding that's happened to me over the past 1 1/2 years has broken me. The initial difficulties are obvious but no one knows what the aftermath feels like. I don't know about other people but for me, I don't know how to get over it. I'm just so cautious and high-strung right now regarding such things, and I wish I weren't, but I don't know if I can afford not to be, because I'm scared. I'm terrified of being bludgeoned with the same weapon again. I'm something I don't want to be but I. Can't. Do. A. Damn. Thing. About. It.

I want to love you. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing that all on my own. I need your reciprocation. But then again, in a Catch-22-esque way, I need to earn your reciprocation, but I can't because I'm in such a state. I can only love you if you love me, but I can't love you because you won't love me till I love you.

Oh for everything to just have a freakin' happy ending...