Monday, September 13, 2010
20:09:00
I really should be continuing to study now... still got 5 tutorials to go before I complete the syllabus and that's not even counting revision. But I just felt like I needed a break.
I'm so super tired right now. Partially cos I had a run just now (just 4km but the sun was pretty damn hot) and partially due to the studying. FIA is not cool to study for man zzz. It just feels more complicated than EA, plus I think the Last-Paper Syndrome is in effect. Super no mood to continue studying even though I know I must.
There's been a lot of dissatisfaction lately, and I suppose there's no real chance to escape all this until I get to the next stage of my life. As the years go by, things keep changing. Even things you once thought were cast in stone can change. This swings both ways; good things can become bad or, at least, not as good as you remember them, but some things you thought wouldn't improve can become nice surprises.
Both have happened/are happening to me in recent times, and it is a rather funny feeling to have to adjust to changes to things I thought really couldn't and wouldn't change. Of course, when the good things deteriorate there's an immense feeling of anger and frustration, which has been the case for me.
I've changed too, I suppose. I really don't know what I am now, you know? In some ways I haven't changed a bit, in others I seem like a completely different person. Maybe some of my anger and frustration should be re-directed to myself. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier to take.
I've blamed myself for so many things over the years I think I've emotionally crippled myself. I've made some mistakes I can't forgive myself for, though for my emotional health's sake I probably should, and other things have happened that sometimes I take some or a lot of responsibility for even though I didn't have to. I don't know, I unwittingly sacrifice myself a lot.
Of course it doesn't show much, because most of this self-hurt is internal and sometimes I don't even realize it until I start 'hemorrhaging' inside, but it's very real. Sometimes I mind things to an extent I don't realize, and when something small happens I suddenly seem to be making mountains out of molehills when in actuality, it's more of the small thing being the straw that breaks the camel's back than being something I actually really mind.
Some of the barriers I face nowadays, I put up myself before, when I was more foolhardy, more brash. I actually don't really mind paying the price for my own mistakes, but my problem is I don't know where to stop. I don't know exactly how much I should take responsibility for, and more often than not I end up overloading myself.
I'm tired, very tired. I hope after the paper tomorrow I can just let my mind vegetate for awhile, just let it unwind and try not to think too much.
Back to studying then.
Where did the old me go?
Are these changes for the better or are they actually destroying me?
I'd love a mentor right now. Someone who's been where I've been, and knows how to get out of it alive and still very much kicking.
But where the hell does one find someone like that?
Probably too much to ask anyway.
I will very likely be the death of me.