Sunday, September 26, 2010
00:54:00
It helped, being out today.
I know all I need is a fresh start, and that'll come with time, regardless of what form it comes in. Till then, I mustn't allow myself to lurch in either direction (referring back to me requiring balance).
It's actually tougher than it would seem. Sitting on the fence certainly sounds and looks easier than having to take a stand, doesn't it? But you have to realize that, for some things, sitting on the fence opens you to attack from BOTH sides instead of just one. Also, sitting on fences isn't exactly very healthy to the groin region =)
I am still a human being, and human beings are inherently and inevitably flawed, so I suppose all I ask for now is that people judge me as such, instead of some robot who's capable of being logically correct all the time. I can be emotional too, and like all humans am well and truly capable of bias. So, cut me some slack huh? Please.
My mind still needs more opening, and reminders of past failures will keep driving me. But it's important for me to differentiate between failures I could've prevented and failures which occurred beyond my control, and be able to move on from the latter. 'Once bitten, twice shy' has defined my life for a tad bit too long now, and the next time I can take a step forward, I will.
Release.
Friday, September 24, 2010
22:59:00
The immediate reaction was horrifying, to me.
Am I a bigot? Have I let this become bigger than it is? Am I subconsciously putting myself into a position to be a martyr?
This is inexcusable behaviour. It would be a real body blow to find out I've been championing a wrong cause, and not for the first time either.
Christ, do I hate myself.
I am intolerable and insufferable. I need a complete rewiring.
Unacceptable. Completely UNACCEPTABLE.
UNACCEPTABLE.
Monday, September 13, 2010
20:09:00
I really should be continuing to study now... still got 5 tutorials to go before I complete the syllabus and that's not even counting revision. But I just felt like I needed a break.
I'm so super tired right now. Partially cos I had a run just now (just 4km but the sun was pretty damn hot) and partially due to the studying. FIA is not cool to study for man zzz. It just feels more complicated than EA, plus I think the Last-Paper Syndrome is in effect. Super no mood to continue studying even though I know I must.
There's been a lot of dissatisfaction lately, and I suppose there's no real chance to escape all this until I get to the next stage of my life. As the years go by, things keep changing. Even things you once thought were cast in stone can change. This swings both ways; good things can become bad or, at least, not as good as you remember them, but some things you thought wouldn't improve can become nice surprises.
Both have happened/are happening to me in recent times, and it is a rather funny feeling to have to adjust to changes to things I thought really couldn't and wouldn't change. Of course, when the good things deteriorate there's an immense feeling of anger and frustration, which has been the case for me.
I've changed too, I suppose. I really don't know what I am now, you know? In some ways I haven't changed a bit, in others I seem like a completely different person. Maybe some of my anger and frustration should be re-directed to myself. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier to take.
I've blamed myself for so many things over the years I think I've emotionally crippled myself. I've made some mistakes I can't forgive myself for, though for my emotional health's sake I probably should, and other things have happened that sometimes I take some or a lot of responsibility for even though I didn't have to. I don't know, I unwittingly sacrifice myself a lot.
Of course it doesn't show much, because most of this self-hurt is internal and sometimes I don't even realize it until I start 'hemorrhaging' inside, but it's very real. Sometimes I mind things to an extent I don't realize, and when something small happens I suddenly seem to be making mountains out of molehills when in actuality, it's more of the small thing being the straw that breaks the camel's back than being something I actually really mind.
Some of the barriers I face nowadays, I put up myself before, when I was more foolhardy, more brash. I actually don't really mind paying the price for my own mistakes, but my problem is I don't know where to stop. I don't know exactly how much I should take responsibility for, and more often than not I end up overloading myself.
I'm tired, very tired. I hope after the paper tomorrow I can just let my mind vegetate for awhile, just let it unwind and try not to think too much.
Back to studying then.
Where did the old me go?
Are these changes for the better or are they actually destroying me?
I'd love a mentor right now. Someone who's been where I've been, and knows how to get out of it alive and still very much kicking.
But where the hell does one find someone like that?
Probably too much to ask anyway.
I will very likely be the death of me.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
22:00:00
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still MY journey, and mine alone.
It's complicated, for me anyway, when deciding if I should let someone else's path intersect with mine. First, there's the fact that I'm naturally a rather selective person when it comes to friends (though I still do my best to be polite and friendly to everyone), and after that I still have to think about exactly how much of my journey they will travel with me.
There have been a few who have walked with me for most of the journey so far. Shi Kai, for example, has been pretty much a constant since secondary one. But given differing routes, different lifestyles, different friends and different activities, not many others have been able to accompany me throughout.
I'm really, really glad that despite the vastly different roads we're on, some friends are still within sight. It's like they're on the opposite side of the highway or something; totally different direction, but still I can actually see them. People like Yu Qing, for example, who incidentally seems to be able to read me like a book sometimes, especially in matters of the heart. It's uncanny, really.
Then there's the biggest new addition, Clara. First knew her back when I was sec two when she joined the band, of course, and I always appreciated her presence in the section because she was the only ever-present, rock-solid junior of the ones I had to take care of when I took over. Everyone else did something or other to make me want to tear my hair out at some point of time in my 1 1/2+ years as SL.
Somehow she gets me and has been a real pillar of reliability over the past half a year+. Funny how we never really got to know each other before. Life can surprise you even with familiar people and things, I guess.
Anyway this brings me back to me having to concentrate on the fact that, even though there'll be people who will cross my path, and the closer ones among them probably even accompanying me like some party member in an RPG, this is still my journey. I'm slowly dealing with making the choice to walk away from someone who shook my heart (which is incredibly difficult), and it's not been easy, though it certainly has been less topsy-turvy nowadays as compared to, say, two weeks ago.
Looking at what I know of her own path, I don't think it could work out. Either I'd have to completely change my route, or she'd have to, and I can't accept either of those choices. I want to live my life as I want to, and want everyone to have the right to, so I'd never change that drastically and neither can I bring myself to make her, or anyone for that matter, change that much.
I toy with the idea of just being friends, which I suppose would be the mature thing to do. Yet I also think that that could just be an invitation to more hurt. Net result: lots of hesitating and basically getting nothing done.
I haven't spoken to her for some time now. In reality it hasn't been THAT long, but it feels somewhat longer in my head. Sometimes I feel like picking up my phone and finally just shooting off a message her way, other times I think it wouldn't be worth the trouble.
I still hesitate. Maybe I just need to keep on my path until I can no longer see her, or even a silhouette of her, when I turn around.
The journey I choose to undertake is a lonely one. I need to learn to accept that there are inevitably going to be times where I wish I'd chosen a different path. I must take the bad with the good. I must remember that with me, it will always be about balance.
Balance.