Wednesday, January 07, 2009
22:26:00
I 'realised' something today.You know how I've never really enjoyed my GEMs? How it wasn't the one that I really wanted in the first place, how I'm the only one there and therefore quite bored most of the time, and all that? Well, it actually provides something for me.The good thing about the module is that it's relatively simple. Most of the things I have to learn are quite straightforward, and even the few calculations that it requires me to do basically just involves common sense. As such, I don't really have to pay attention and should still do fine. This, of course, allows for day-dreaming.I actually day-dream quite abit; it's probably one of my favourite pastimes. Now, what with always hanging around with Vish or some other guys for most of the day, there really isn't that much time to day-dream, so to speak, as I'm constantly interacting with other people. And of course, the main modules don't allow for that (gotta concentrate).Going to my GEM, and being alone, is a sort of 'escape'. Normally, if I behave as quietly as I do in GEMs in normal classes, I'd be branded anti-social (which I sorta am, but not bad enough to be classified as such). In this class though, what with the fact that it only happens once a week and most people know only, at most, two other people in the class, it's close to being a class of strangers who don't need to get to know each other. As a result, people tend to keep to themselves.I spend the class mainly half-listening to the teacher (which is enough; the module really is quite straightforward) and doodling stuff on my notes. It's all, strangely, quite calming. Everyone is minding their own business, no one cares about anyone else, the teacher is droning away (okay, not that bad. She isn't monotonous, it's just that the subject matter can be kinda dry)... It's a very zen atmosphere.It particularly helps since I'm not exactly in one of the better periods of my life at the moment. I've been feeling off-colour for the past few days now. The weird thing is, I can't pinpoint what it is that's causing this. Maybe it's a culmination of a whole load of factors, both known and unknown. I really don't know.I find myself living very much for the weekend, which I haven't done since those dark days of upper secondary. Every week almost seems like one huge hurdle to clear before we get to the weekend, then there's another hurdle and another and another until we hit the holidays. In that sense, this term will pass quite fast. Nevertheless, such a mindset doesn't bode well for my studies, as this just means that I go into every piece of work with a 'let's just get this over with quick' mentality. Quality will never come out like this.But the thing is, school's not the problem. It may be a factor, in terms of the way that it's the main cause of fatigue, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't one of the main reasons for my poor mood nowadays.Maybe one thing is the complete lack of recognition. I don't know if I'm just over-analysing things again, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not as recognised as I should be, by other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for accolades or anything of the sort. I just feel that people misunderstand me, and those misconceptions can get pretty far off at that too. I'm pretty sure that, if people got to know me better, they'd probably be quite surprised at how much more diverse and 'wide' a person I am, at least compared to their impressions of me.I've pretty much been a 'sidekick' my whole life, but at the same time that doesn't mean that I don't notice the same things that the main 'hero' does. Maybe I notice more things, even. On the one hand, I'm kinda-sorta satisfied with being a sidekick. There's no pressure to perform and I usually do my best work when the spotlight isn't on me. On the other hand, though, I don't feel like I get the credit that I deserve most of the time. Most times, I feel that, although I'm the 'sidekick', my experiences and skills can be pretty darn close, equal, or maybe even better than the main guy's. But, just cos I'm the sidekick, I don't get the same credit. It can be quite infuriating and disappointing.I just feel it's unfair. For most of my life, the efforts I've put in have gone largely unnoticed or taken for granted. In the band, for example. I'm sure every section leader had their fair share of problems and hard times, and I don't mean to belittle any one of them's achievements, but I feel like I probably had one of the hardest times of all of them. Tons of problems, of extremely varied natures, and with no one to turn to for help. I don't know for sure, but I felt that my seniors didn't believe in my style of doing things and that any support from them would have been paper-thin, at best. I didn't have anyone else in the same year as me in the section, so I had no one whom I could explain my choices to who would probably understand better (due to maturity issues) than the juniors. I had a couple of friends, Eugene and James, but they each had their own problems to deal with and sometimes, I even found myself in conflict with them over views and ideals.Suffice to say, I was alone in that fight. A fight of tremendous proportions at that too. Besides the more obligatory celebrations (like POP or band dinner), I'm gonna be frank and say that I never really felt appreciated by my juniors. I can't blame them too much for that, because I was never, and probably never will be, the type of leader who is your best friend, who's close to you and who's there to provide support in EVERYTHING you face in your life. I can't blame them for that, but I think they never understood that this way of doing things was for the best. Thanks to differences in ideals and culture, I could never be their friend. Never. So I just concentrated on the less touchy-feely stuff, the more practical facets of the job.My rationale was, if I couldn't be a true friend to them, I would not be an enemy either. The bigger picture was ever-present, and though it was painful having to go through my term being misunderstood as 'that dipshit who doesn't care', I think the Gold with Honours speaks for itself.Anyway the point here is that most of my best work goes unnoticed, unappreciated. I've put in untold amounts of effort into many things, and while it is understandable (sometimes) when I don't get what I deserve for my efforts, it doesn't make things any easier to accept. So when something like this happens, I get caught in between understanding why I won't get what I deserve, and demanding for what's rightfully mine. It's a psychological battle that can tear me apart.There are probably other factors to my feeling so down nowadays, but this is probably one of the bigger ones. It's just been a build-up over the years. I stepped down from being a leader 1 1/2 years ago, for chrissakes', and I'm only talking about it now. There have been many other smaller yet similar situations, and the build-up just kills me.-----------------------------------------------At this particular point in time I feel better after letting these weights off my shoulders. At the same time though, writing it all down here probably won't make a jot of difference when I get back to living my life, so, in a way, this whole post is quite pointless.Long day tomorrow; first Econs lesson of the term. Haven't done my homework, don't intend to. Hope I got good marks for both Econs and PACC. Too many disappointments already, I need a pick-me-up. Wish me luck.