Sigh... why must this happen everytime?

As we get ever closer to another set of tests, I find myself falling sick again. Maybe it's some psychological reaction I have, I don't know. What I do know is that this is seriously irritating.

I haven't done much studying today. That's looking at things from an objective viewpoint. Number of hours put into studying is amazingly low. Nevertheless, I feel somewhat better now that I've more or less covered Statistics. I've memorized the few different formulae that are used in these 3 chapters (although they give them in the test paper), I've worked out when to use which formula, and so on. I think I need more practice, but at least the foundation is quite alright.

I'll be doing some MOB later tonight, simply because it's the first paper. Going by that same train of thought, I probably won't be doing any Economics until one or two days before the paper itself. That sounds scarier/riskier than it actually is; I already do have quite an alright understanding of most concepts so I should be okay. I'll make sure of it as we near Friday.

The only module I'm really worried about this time around is probably ITAB. Having done next to nothing for it (plus the fact that it's difficult to really revise for this subject; the textbook is only really useful when there's a teacher around) during the whole term so far, I have cause to be worried. I'll just polish up whatever I know and push for as high a grade as I can get. No minimum standard set for this one, that's for sure.

I have to do really well for Statistics, Economics and MOB. Statistics, to make up for my horrendous SPSS results. Economics, to shut the face of my stupid teacher. MOB, simply cause I feel that it's possible to do well for it.

For PACC, I'm just aiming to continue my slow but sure improvment. My first test ended with a 54, second with a 57, and third with a 70. While by no means good scores (especially when compared to other people), the fact that there's an upward trend gives me something to shoot for. Aiming for a B+ or maybe even an A this time around.

So that covers everything. I hope things go well... I'd like to head off to Shanghai in a good mood, not under a cloud of disappointment.

I also hope my mild flu clears up, or at least doesn't get worse, during the week. This doesn't bode well for a trip to a cold place. I wouldn't like to fall really ill on holiday. Has happened to me before and, without a shadow of a doubt, it's hell.

Well, here we go then.

There are only two things in this world which are able to get me down and keep me there. And, while it might just be my own mind going into overdrive, both happened today.

One of them has been going on for the past week+ already. I don't know if there really is something going on, or if it's just over-thinking on my part. Just that, there seems to have been a change since that particular so-called incident. I say 'so-called' because it's not much of anything, but because of the changes, it feels like a landmark event of sorts. This is one problem that ebbs and flows; sometimes there's nothing, sometimes it stings like hellfire. I really don't know what to make of it all.

The other one... has been a problem I've had all my life. The only real solution is to face it head-on, but at the same time, doing so would set into motion a 'double or nothing' scenario. If it goes 'double', then brilliant. But if it hits 'nothing', it's going to hurt like nothing else on Earth can. Choosing to twiddle your thumbs doing nothing in the middle-ground just means the pain comes in small yet potent doses, bit by bit, until you finally have enough and go for the head-on solution. Only after then will all the dust settle, but whether you are left standing as victor or on the ground, a crumpled heap, no one will know till you try.

It's bad enough having these problems in normal times, but it's particularly, for the lack of a better word, irritating to have them occuring so close to exam time. I need all the rationality and sanity I can get right now. It's not helping at all that these irrational problems are bleeding me dry of those essentials.

Sigh.

I laid in bed last night thinking, 'What a difference 2 weeks will make'.

Just under two weeks from now, I'll be in Shanghai, on holiday. Until then though, there's a major (major? ha! that's not the half of it!) obstacle in the way in the form of MSTs (Mid Session Tests).

I am so unprepared it's freakin' scary. I can't believe I managed to get myself into this kind of trouble. I've asked for it though, really. This whole term I'm sure I've played flash games in class more than, well, actually BEING IN CLASS. Stupid stupid stupid...

Well, there's nothing for it now but to hit the books hard in the time I have left. That in itself wouldn't be that much of a worry if not for the fact that there are so many thoroughly unnecessary distractions (as I refer to them) in the way. First, there's IDEA presentation tomorrow, and when a module is as useless as IDEA is, anything and everything associated with it is a waste of time/effort, let alone something as consuming as a freakin' presentation.

Then there's my GEM next, on Wednesday. I have no idea how it'll turn out. Things could go REALLY bad or they could turn out okay; I really haven't an inkling on which it'll be. Cross my fingers it'll be the latter, but this is one hope which is really very much in the hands of fate; I have next to no say in the matter.

Lastly, we have Economics on Thursday morning. It's hard enough trying to cram stuff into one's head in such a short period of time, but when you have to face someone like my Econs teacher, it just makes everything all that more difficult. I'd rather just use this week to do revision, but then we're supposed to do a tutorial on a topic not tested in this MST on top of a practice paper. I'm fine with the practice paper, it's the (at this point of time) extremely superfluous tutorial that's getting my goat. And if you don't do it, risk facing her wrath. What a fucking pain in the ass.

I'm so angry/tired/crestfallen now that I'm just hoping for a turn of fortunes (in whatever form) right now. At the very least, I managed to get through the Stats practice paper without too much difficulty just now (albeit with lots of reference to notes). That's a step in the right direction. But it's only the first of many to come in these next 2 weeks.

Wish me luck, I sure as hell am gonna need it.

I think I've posted on this before, but isn't it plain startling the number of people who hide behind masks in everyday life?

All for the sake of going through the actual process of living life. It's fundamentally absurd, really.

It doesn't matter what the person is like either. He may be loud and boisterous, he may be quiet and shy as a mouse, he may be weird, he may be non-descript; it doesn't matter. Just about everyone hides behind a screen.

There are only a few exceptions to this phenomenon. My pal Vishal is one of them. What you see with him is what you get. He gets great results, that's cos he's brilliant. He looks like he can't be bothered with most things; he really can't. What you see is what you get.

A friendly person may hide a much darker side to him which he only reveals behind closed doors, and vice versa for the one-dimensional bad guy in your respective lives. Even people without an agenda tend to put on masks simply to get by. They pretend to relate, they pretend to share the same interests, the pretend that they find the joke funny, all just to get by in life. Some of these people just don't care for the aforementioned things; they're not interested. And they know it. But just for the sake of getting by, they continue pretending.

I suppose on the whole this is just how society should function. Imagine if everyone showed their true selves all the time. There'd be riots in the streets, just because everyone pisses everyone off.

It's an intriguing phenomenon, this. Yet another example of the irrationality of humans. As someone who just prefers things to be simple, I always strive to assert logic into everything I do/experience. Nevertheless, I respect that some things should be left as they are, and this is one of them. It's what provides the colour in life, after all.

-----------------------------------

Don't know what it is but I'm not too satisfied with this post. I read through it a couple of times and nothing's out of place, but it doesn't give me the 'oomph' factor either. Just feels very bland. (Shrugs) Oh well, better luck next time I guess. =)

You know what?

This isn't my fight.




Give Me The Simple Life - Alice Ricciardi

Folks are blessed, who make the best of everyday;
Living by their own philosophy.
Everyone beneath the sun must find a way,
And I have found the only way
For me

I don't believe in frettin' and grievin';
Why mess around with strife?
I never was cut out to step and strut out,
Give me the simple life.

Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant,
Those things roll off my knife;
Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes,
Give me the simple life.

Bridge:

A cottage small is all I'm after,
Not one that's spacious and wide.
A house that rings with joy and laughter,
And the ones you love inside.

Some like the high road, I like the low road,
Free from the care and strife.
Sounds corny and seedy, but yes, indeed-y;
Give me the simple life.

Why do I feel like this?

It doesn't make sense. Almost none of this is supposed to affect me at all. And even the small little bit that is, shouldn't be affecting me this much.

So, once again, I question myself.

What is this about?

Is it just me having 'too kind' a soul?

I know that sounds extremely godawful cheesy, but I'm speaking seriously here.

Is it that? I'm, underneath it all, really that kind?

So much so I can't bear to see people getting punished/tortured when they don't deserve it at all? Even when they're not even all that close?

That's fucking insane, I'm not like that. Or am I, and I just don't know it?

Maybe it's just an overload of such things in such a small space of time.

Cruelty... cannot and should not be tolerated. And yet it goes on in this world.

Do they really have good intentions behind their harsh actions? Or is it backlash, themselves seeking 'revenge' for their own grievances? A mixture of both, perhaps? I will never understand.

I've been brought up on values of kindness, of doing to people what you want done unto you, regardless of age, sex, religion or whatever. Maybe that's not the case in other places. And if it isn't, that's just plain cruel.

In my heart, I weep for the ones who have been done wrong. In most cases they don't deserve it.

I lost faith in humanity quite some time ago. And hearing and reading of these things has made me somehow manage to lose faith once more.

This is insane, and unfair.

---------------------------------------

I don't even know how to really continue. This post isn't even coherent because my thoughts and feeling are too jumbled up right now to really put things in order. Besides, it's a pretty touchy thing so I don't think it's wise to go into details just like that.

It might just all be over-dramatization on the part of the victims, I don't know. But either way, this isn't right.

Someone help me out here, I'm lost and confused.

Man... That's fucked up.

To be elaborated tomorrow.

I realised just recently just how far I've walked away from my secondary school life.

I look at blogs of people from secondary school, and I find that just about all of them (if not all) still have 'current' relationships with people they met in secondary school. Either they went to the same school after graduation, or they still meet each other in some way or other.

Hasn't happened with me, of course. Besides Shi Kai, I don't even really talk to anyone from my secondary school anymore. Of course, this probably has to do with the fact that I don't like my secondary school one bit, save for the good memories I had with the band and with the (very) small group of friends I had. Still, it's pretty... striking, just how far I've left it all behind.

Eugene and James were my closest pals while I was in the band. Looking back now though, while the three of us did have some common interests, I think the main reason why we banded together was because we were each others' lesser evils. I can't speak fully for James, but I believe that this was very much the case with Eugene.

You see, the three of us come from quite different backgrounds. Of course, James and Eugene had more in common (in terms of upbringing and culture and so on) than I did with either of them. But still, we were different. I think we only really got close because everything and everyone else around us were so insane, so irrational, that we jumped at the slightest hint of sanity and held on to it for dear life.

And now that the three of us have since moved on in our lives (in three seperate directions at that too), and left all the irrationality behind us, we find that we don't really need each other anymore.

Eugene has found his new life with new people at NYP. I don't know if he still looks back to AMKSS people to chat with them or to go out with them, but somehow I don't think that's the case. Even if he did, he wouldn't be doing it often. Just a gut feeling of mine.

James has gone into NYJC, and his transition has been a slightly smoother one than the mine and Eugene's, with NYJC filled with AMKSS people. Plus, he's also in the band over there, and quite a number of the NYJC band members are also from AMKSS. Of course, I'm sure he's also gotten to know some new people, so it's a mixture of old and new with him. Whatever the case may be, he has also transitioned away from the days of old, of the three of us.

Me, I've left just about every trace of my old life behind. Surrounding myself with friends who aren't only new, but also totally different in terms of personality, I've pretty much cut myself off from my old life. I hardly speak chinglish anymore (that crazy mixture of English and Chinese you pretty much HAVE to speak if you wanted to be understood), just English now. I tried the band again, but found that I have had enough of that life. I don't speak with anyone from secondary school anymore, save for Shi Kai, and even then our conversations can hardly be described as 'frequent' (though our relations remain very good, a fact I am very grateful for).

The three of us have drifted so far away. It's bittersweet, really. I'm sure I don't need to point out the 'bitter' part of the drifting, but the 'sweet' part isn't as obvious. This situation is 'sweet', because, as I said, we were just each others' lesser evils. We were the best we could find. That does not exactly mean that we were perfect for each other.

The three of us were each others' emotional crutches. We were the only people we could trust. We were what kept us sane. We were extremely important to each other, cos everything else was just too crazy, too inconsistent, too volatile, too whatever for us to handle on a regular basis. But that time's gone now.

The three of us have moved on, and while it isn't exactly nice to say that you don't even speak with two of the closest friends you had in secondary school anymore, it really is for the best. Some things you shouldn't hang on to when they're past their sell-by date. This is one of those things.

I'll always remain on cordial terms with them, I'll always have a laugh or two with them when we meet again, I'll always stick with them in alumni band. But outside of those familiar old settings, I belong to my own world now. And so do they.

I have gone. I truly have.

Well, that's another week over.

I'm happy to say that this one has been significantly better than the last one. It's difficult to describe exactly what has made this week a good one, but suffice to say, I feel much more fulfilled this week.

PES 2009 for the 360 is coming to Singapore next Tuesday, so that's another thing to look forward to, plus, and this is bleedin' awesome, NO GEMS NEXT WEEK. Finally, a well-deserved break.

There's a kicker though. Group project to be done with people I hardly know, and I have no idea how it'll turn out, but here's hoping for the best. Whatever happens, at least I'll have an easier time next week.

There's still that Powerpoint assignment to be done, but that should be alright. Won't take too long, I hope.

Well, looking forward to my weekend, as I always do. Before I know it though, MSTs will be here and I gotta study hard to get good grades again. But that's another worry for another time. For now, I just want to kick back and relax.

Cheers!

Just dropped in to say that I'm so glad I listen to such a huge variety of music genres.

I usually turn to music to help me heal any psychological/mental wounds I may be having. That's certainly been the case this past week.

Usually any of my favourite songs from any of my favourite artistes does the trick, but that hasn't been the case recently. Rock music wasn't working, and so I turn to jazz.

There's just something about jazz... it's so capable of soothing the soul. Of course, there's the high-octane, exciting type of jazz as well, which is nice in its own way, but it's the soothing type that has helped me out here.

One song stands out in particular... here's Chet Baker with Let's Get Lost.




We've hit the weekend but my depressed emotions persist still. I really don't know what will help me out of this rut, seriously. I thought getting to the carefree weekend would relieve the pressure, but apparently that hasn't happened.

But for all of this crap, at least the football has been kind to me. An exciting United win, 4-3 over Hull, an Arsenal loss, 2-1 to Stoke of all teams, and a Liverpool loss as their insane luck finally ran out, 2-1 to Spurs thanks to a last minute Pavlyuchenko goal (I actually didn't have to check how to spell his name, LOL).

I won't go into the details, but this means that United are in the top four again, and Le Arse look in danger of doing a Liverpool and dropping out of the race before the midway point. Liverpool finally got what they deserved, but Chelsea are as rampant as ever. Much as it pains me to say it, I think Chelsea have got this season's title in the bag. They just don't look like dropping points against any of the smaller clubs, and I think they'll be good enough to come out of all the Big Four games with at least more than half the points available from those matches.

Well, back to my boring life. Stayed at home the whole day yesterday, trying to work my mind around my current conundrum. As we all know now, that didn't help much. My brain was working in insane overdrive too, being very unreasonable on a number of things. My (temporary) solution? Go for a run.

I've been trying to lose some weight in recent weeks (only started 3 weeks ago or so), jogging/running in the park near my home whenever I can. I haven't been able to squeeze in much exercise in the past week due to all the commitments in school draining my mental energy, but I usually try to jog/run as much as I can. I needed to expend some cooped up 'frustration energy', if you know what I mean (no, not the sexual kind you dirty bastards :P), and just decided to do so by running.

My stamina has improved quite abit from when I first started, and I was able to just flat out sprint a few times without getting spent. By the end of the run, I felt slightly better. Sometimes, you just need something primal to let out your frustrations. Shouting at nothing in particular, sprinting flat out to 'release yourself', whatever.

Still, it's only a temporary measure at best. I do feel better now than I did yesterday, but the negative feelings aren't all gone yet. I have no idea whatsoever what'll it'll take to expel these feelings, but I'll just keep living my life and hope karma works out.

Here's hoping for a better week ahead!

Abygail

Shi Kai

Tommy

Trumpets [Da Section]

Mabel

Samuel

Alter Ego

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