Whelp! The day after I said I had nothing to post about, I suddenly get some ideas. I'll just jump straight in:

What I see around me is alot of people who hide their true characters for one reason or another, but mostly to fit in. It sure seems like most people's true personality is a turn-off for other people. Perhaps it's just a matter of not being selfish. Perhaps they really do have putrid personalities and know that they have to hide them. Who knows?

This is why I find it very refreshing when I meet people who are very honest with themselves, staying true to their inner selves. It's a very rare thing to see such people, so unabashedly true to themselves. Sadly, most of the time such people are misunderstood. I think I'm one of them, but that's off-topic.

I'm gonna be talking about an 'example' here. A comic character, actually, so this might all seem a tad bit removed from reality.

Nowadays, with the success of the film franchise, almost everybody knows about Spiderman. What's his name, what's the motto he lives by, who brought that motto to his mind in the first place etc etc. Well, sometimes this sheer commercialisation of the Spiderman character irks me to no end. People don't understand him (it?) well enough.

All they see in the movies is a teenager upon whom has been thrust this amazing power and all the responsibilities that go with it, on top of the topsy-turvy world of teenage life. That's accurate, yes, when checked with the more historically-established storyline of the comic books ('The Amazing Spiderman', 'Peter Parker Spiderman' etc etc), but those happened a long time ago. I used to religiously pick up issue after issue of a Spiderman comic at a newsstand near my old house, way back when I was still in Primary School. Still got em all, in fact (They're all really tattered though haha).

Last I read, (long time ago, remember) Peter had long since married Mary Jane, and they lived with Aunt May. They never had children due to various problems, almost all villian-based. The point here is, Spiderman is a way more mature person than in the movies, facing problems waaaay beyond the context of a teenager's life.

(On a sidenote, I don't like the fact that the Green Goblin was the first villian in the franchise. He's quite possibly the villian who has done the most psychological damage to Spidey, killing his first girlfriend and being responsible for the kidnapping of Aunt May amongst other things. He should've been somewhere down the line, as a true antagonist. But then I suppose you can't really fit such cerebral content into a movie aimed at an audience who just want action and some semblance of a storyline.)

Anyway, going back to the topic I began this post with. With people seeing the need to wear masks when facing other people, it's very refreshing to see a character so completely uncaring about the welfare of his target. Yes, I'm talking about a fictional character here, but then it still is nice to be able to channel your rage fully but without hurting anyone in real life. Who am I talking about here?

Venom.

Personally I feel that he is THE Spiderman villian. There are so many contrasting motivations to his character that it really is very interesting to try and guess what goes through his mind, a whole jumble of maniacal and shrewd thoughts, all in one mind.

Venom was poorly portrayed in Spiderman 3. Look at the actor who played him! When an actor's only notable point in his career thus far is playing a character loved/laughed at for his utter loser-ness (Eric Foreman from That 70's Show), he SHOULD NOT be playing such a complicated villian. That's not to say he can't act in a Spiderman movie. Cast him as Shocker, for all I care. BUT DEFINITELY NOT VENOM.

Anyone who's followed Venom's path of destruction will know that while he has superhuman strength and is completely insane in the head (he'll do just about anything to kill Spidey), he's still able to think out intricate plans in his quest to take Spidey's life. In short, he's a master serial killer, only police guns and bullets won't even scratch this mad mutha. And that, is masterful character development and story-telling.

He's even worked with Spidey a few times against a greater evil (Carnage, for one). Don't take it as a sign of weakness, he just wants to be able to be the very person who takes Spidey's last breath. Parker's death is not enough for him; it must be at his own hands.

Anyway, as time goes on Eddie Brock (the host of the symbiote) becomes less and less obsessed with killing Peter/Spidey, but of course the symbiote wants to carry on. And there we see yet another change in the character of Venom: Single-minded in his quest to kill Spidey, yet reluctantly being dragged along for the hunt at the same time.

It's all really mind-boggling, and sometimes, just rarely, I wish I could rage as only Venom can, striking fear so deep in people. His cerebral side makes him an all the more intriguing character. And no one will ever portray him justifiably. No one but a maniac could.

------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, done with that. I have alot of ideas that I wasn't able to put into words properly, so I left them out. I'm none too pleased with the structure and flow either, but the main point here was to talk about, well, Venom.

So, quite displeased with the writing.

Anyway, I didn't mean to come off as a total comic-nerd, haha, but I suppose that's another of my favourite pastimes.

Shall end here then =)

Been just about over a week since I posted, hasn't it?

Well, there isn't much to post about. Nothing of late has triggered any form of need to write.

That's not to say nothing has happened recently, but then it's kind of boring. Just that I had my written CA2 papers the week gone by. The PACC paper was more complicated than it should have been, and I think most everybody was caught out by it. Not happy about it because I think I deserve more for the work I put into that subject. Econs was the next paper, and I think generally it was alright. Might have chosen poorly for some questions, but I hope that I'm either a) right, or b) going to get some marks for my explanation, as I think that I got the explanation parts quite well. ITAB next, and this was the paper that I never really thought of doing well for anyway. Did enough to pass, I guess/hope. Lastly, Stats. Simple enough, but there were one or two trick questions that I hope I got correct.

So you see, that's been all really. Normal school lessons restart tomorrow, and I'm sorta glad for it. I like a normal school day, you know? Everything just feels so comfortable. I think I like routines that I'm comfortable with. Not a good attribute when thrown into unfamiliar waters, but I get along and adapt, albeit not being at my best most of the time.

Gah this post is so inane and boring. When there's nothing to write about this is what happens.

On a sidenote, I only recently noticed that I've, funnily enough, ended my last four posts with a smiley of one sort or another. I don't use emoticons that much so to do so for four consecutive posts is sorta out of the normal line of things.

I'm gonna end here. You KNOW I've got nothing in the inspiration tank when the most interesting thing I can write about is 'using smileys'. Hahaha =)

ps. There I go again!

I actually have several things to blog about, each of them potentially long! Don't know whether to split them up or what, it feels kinda weird lumping all of them together. I'll just start with the mundane, I suppose.

Did some more studying today. I've been really staggering my studying over the past few days. Like, an hour of work, an hour of game, an hour of TV, half-hour of work, another hour of game etc etc. Total accumulated study time isn't that much, but at least I think I've done enough. It's still hard to gauge though, since I have no benchmark whatsoever. The papers I have coming up will be the first written tests I've taken so far in poly, so I don't know what to think.

On the one hand, looking at past year papers and working them out (there are answer keys provided), things look ridiculously easy at times. However, because of the 'no benchmark' thing, I really don't want to be overconfident. Clash of two extremes, it's all really confusing. I guess I'll just do more studying to just really ensure that I'll get good enough grades. Got 2 more days to go before the first paper, and there's alot of time left in the days to study for the subsequent papers as well, so I'll have ample time to get myself really prepared. Cross fingers, wish me luck!

Okay, that's that topic done with. Of the two things I have left that I feel like blogging about, 1 is of reminiscence, and the other will let readers see a side of me that most have not; I'm going to be an absolute goddamn fanboy.

What's to be fanboyish about? Her:




Who's this, you ask. Grace Park, an actress whose highest-profile work to date is in the wildly successful sci-fi series, Battlestar Galactica (if you have any inkling of sci-fi, this show should not be alien to you), where she plays one (2 actually, but I won't go into the details, too complicated) of the main characters.


Seriously, look at her, and I dare any straight male to not just melt. Not in a lusty way, mind you. In a purely 'admiration' way.


When I first saw her I was struck dumb, I'm not kidding. For awhile all I could manage was to stare dumbfounded at the TV screen. I suppose it helps that the character(s) she plays has some very complicated motivations, all very different from each other. Makes her character very... human. Very attractive.


Once again, I dare any straight male to not just fucking melt when they look at her. It's a combination of just about everything that I find attractive in girls. Amazing man, freakin' amazing.


Ok, moving on to the last thing now. The inspiration for this portion came about 2 days ago.

For effectiveness' sake, I've been studying in the living room. I find I'm less easily distracted in the living room than I am in my room, even though I have my laptop with me and cable tv's just a button press away. Don't know what it is, but yea. Anyway, during one of my study breaks, I flipped through the channels on TV before settling on the Disney Channel, where they were airing the Tarzan movie.

This, coupled with an airing of that (relatively) ol' classic Aladdin just a day later, made me long so much for the days when Disney animated movies were really that magical. Not to diss the animated movies they produce nowadays in conjuction with Pixar, but I still feel that the old cartoons really pulled at the heartstrings of viewers, young and old. Nowadays, all the animated movies, while still enjoyable, seem more interested in providing laughs and action rather than to take the audience on an emotional journey. For example, I dare anyone to watch the 'Whole New World' portion (the one where Aladdin and Jasmine are taking a ride on the carpet and they sing the song) and not feel touched. Compare that to, say, the movie Cars. Impossible, isn't it? There's just no comparison!

It's things like this that make me reminisce so much about my childhood. It was a much simpler time, one where the magical moments were truly magical, and almost nothing you did or received had any strings attached.

Of course, I'm just clutching at straws here. There are many things I know now that I would rather not give away, even if I could have my innocence back. Verily, ignorance is bliss. Nevertheless, I believe more strongly in another proverb: Knowledge is Power. I'd rather know and be cynical (yet still hopeful), rather than blissfully unaware of everything.

Ah, but for those days again. Oh well, there's always Grace Park. LOL JUST KIDDING.

=D

It's been said that some of my posts can get very long. Well, I like it that way.

I feel that it might be a subconscious reaction to the fact that I'm cynical about so many things in life. I'm sure most, if not all, of you guys know what I feel about the state of the world, how screwed up it is and all that.

It'd be impossible to have the will to continue living if all I had were these cynical thoughts. We all need our escapes from the realities of life, and mine are music (mostly listening, sometimes playing) and, well, writing. Therefore, obviously I indulge myself whenever I do either.

That's the reason for my (sometimes) long-as-hell posts, as well as why sometimes I ignore people when I have my iPod earphones in my ears. There are some songs you just cannot skip; it'd be doing it an injustice.

I also think the summary portion of english comprehension papers are partially to blame for my posts sometimes being so long. Summaries are a fantastic metaphor for the world, preferring concisement and constriction over creativity, and the chance for one to express oneself fully. A by-product of being forced to cramp my writing for so long is letting my creative juices just flow as much as I want whenever I get the opportunity, whether that be in blog posts, compositions or any other form of writing.

Sometimes things just need their space to grow. And when space is afforded to me for my writing, I take full advantage of it.

Anyway, sometimes things need to be long for the full creativity to be appreciated. Once again it's a matter of of not cramping something that needs space to fully realise its potential. A piece of music designated to be three movements would, at the very least, sound weird if compressed to fit into one, for example. Worse, it could be ruined by the compression.

So many things have to be controlled in life. It's only right that some other things are left unfettered, right?

:)

It's 4.05am. And to think I said 2.50am was an ungodly hour to be updating, haha.

The only reason I'm still up is the fact that I had a nap in the afternoon and now I'm wide awake. There really isn't much to do at this hour and besides, I felt like updating.

Holidays have been enjoyed so far, but I gotta start studying soon. I'm a serial procrastinator, and this habit will kill me if I don't learn to kick it, and soon. That said, most of the stuff I have to study seems pretty simple, I should be fine with most of it with a week's worth of solid studying.

I have my headphones on at the moment, with Liquid Tension Experiment rocking away. They really do produce some beautiful music, both extremely technical yet also amazingly musical at the same time. It's not difficult to find very technical bands (Racer X, for one), nor is it very difficult to find musically appealing and accessible music (pop songs, rock songs etc) but it's very difficult to find bands which produce a well-blended mixture of the two. So far LTE and Dream Theater (both bands are related, check wikipedia to see what I mean) are the only bands I know who successfully mesh the two aspects together. I prefer LTE though, simply because they only produce instrumental music. It makes them have to convey messages and images via the medium of music only, no words involved. And by Jove, they do it really well.

Well, in other matters, I don't really know how to feel. Many times I look at all the aspects of the situation, as well as her character, and I don't think it fits me. I would not be able to satisfy her, in that sense. Of course, we're talking long-term here. I don't believe in flames which die out quick. That's why I think I should just be letting this one go.

Unless she gleaned some knowledge from that previous post of mine, she doesn't know it either. The fact that I like her, that is. I suppose it's a sign of the effect that last one had on me, that now I don't even want to throw myself in and chance my arm. All the logic stacks up and now I find myself deciding not to take the risk.

That said, I don't think I'll be fully giving up. Just waiting to see what develops. When it comes to a more definitive stage, then I'll make my decision.

Anyway, all this has made me think. Think about my love life and the future of it. Personally I don't think it's likely that I'll have any satisfaction on that front in my life. And before you start castigating me for being a pessimist, I'm not just saying that because of my poor track record. These words of mine come from the realization of my character, and what (usually) makes me tick. I hardly think any girl would be truly interested in a guy whose main interests either fall into the unappealing category (playing video games) or are reaaaalllyyy boring unless you like it (thinking life through, looking at the nuances and laughing at the ironies).

Most want someone fun, someone who can make them laugh and so on. I think I can make people laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty skewed, meaning most people don't laugh at the things I would laugh at. There's a slight sadistic, sarcastic streak to my brand of humour, and I enjoy jokes which make references to pop culture. Of course, I'm very capable of making lame jokes as well (anyone who has seen me with Marcus Leong can testify to this, haha), but they usually only work with him cos the jokes which are cracked contain at least a sliver of the aforementioned factors.

I'm not someone who enjoys the traditional idea of fun. Personally I find it to be too... Easy. That's one way to put it. Much the same way I choose to have only a handful of friends (but all of whom I trust fully), I choose only to have fun which does not encompass or deal with simple pleasures like group singing or dancing or whatever else. Cheap entertainment. They do serve their purpose, but no, not for me. I tend to sneer at such things.

Now, I don't mean to sound like a snob. I just don't like these kind of things, and the whole basis behind them. Perhaps I am wrong in the sense that I search for intermediate things immediately when it would be more appropriate or expected to be searching for the easy things first. But this just means I demand more, and I don't think that's a fault.

Oftentimes I appear as if I look down on people, but no, I almost never mean to. I just search for the more important things in potential friends, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. I don't really like messing around with things like small talk, although I know that is the key to 'success'. The end result: Few friends. But I like the fact that while I might only have a handful of friends, I can trust each and every one explicitly.

That's why sometimes I look at how some of my friends handle social situations and I tend to disapprove. But still, I do admire the way they are able to make themselves so easily approachable. It is a positive trait, for sure. I just personally don't believe in the underlying logic of it.

I don't mean to change anyone's belief in the matter at hand, neither am I slamming people who follow such ideals. I just state my own opinion. To each his own.

Anyway I seem to have veered off my original topic. Almost always happens. I tend to just go with the flow of ideas in my mind and while that makes for some enjoyable reads, sometimes I just fly off tangent and never come back.

So as I was saying... Yeah, I don't think many girls would be interested in a guy like me. Furthermore, all I have to sell on at the moment is the power of my character. No looks whatsoever, no siree, hahahaha.

While it's not a particularly preferred route, I think I would be able to survive without someone to call my own. The things which satisfy me... Far greater in proportion. Somehow I believe that, if I ever do find all the answers to all the questions I have, I might die immediately upon finding them. Purely because these questions are long-term affairs which can only be solved through experience and long (cumulated) hours of just turning the things over in my mind. It is a huge mystery, and I love it.

My mind. She do work in mysterious ways. :)

It's currently 2.50am. Pretty ungodly hour to be updating, huh?

Well, had a long day of band practice. Sectionals, then full band. 7 hours in total. My lips haven't been this tender since... Well I think since the crazy days of SYF preparation.

Nevertheless, it feels nice. Not in a physical sense (my lips! omgwtfbbq), but it just feels nice to have paid my dues.

Once again I bring that up; paying my dues. I don't know, it just seems to be a thing with me, having to prove that I deserve whatever comforts I receive. Maybe it's cos things always come easy to me, even as a kid. My parents might have spoiled me a bit. I'm just thankful that I'm self-aware enough to realise the fact. It'd be a real tragedy if I accepted the 'spoiling' as the norm.

Anyway, practice was fruitful. Ever since I became SL in AMK, I never had time to practice. To be able to just concentrate on my playing again feels so damn refreshing. No baggage, no need to worry about other unnecessary things, JUST PLAY MUSIC. Feels awesome, it really does. It helps when there are tangible results from the practice too. You don't feel like you've wasted your energy banging your head into a wall. Came out of sectionals knowing my parts better and feeling more confident about it all.

Well, progress is also being made in WoW, but I shan't bore you guys with the details.

Suffice to say, life is pretty good to me at the moment. Got to start studying soon though. I shall start tomorrow!

Yeah, as if =P

So I think I went off abit there. Don't know what it is but sometimes I make impulsive moves, even when I usually consider everything thoroughly.

Looks like no side effects occured, but I can't be sure about that. At least, things appear to not have changed in the least. With any luck, things really didn't change. I'll just keep plugging away.

Here's hoping, eh?

Well, in other matters, it's my holidays! Feels real good to be able to wake up late, and do whatever I want during the day. Of course there are some obligations to be fulfilled, like band practices and studying for my MSTs (Mid-Semester Tests), but I'll take these first few days to just chillax. Studying begins in earnest next week. Can't afford to get bad grades anymore now that everything counts towards my GPA. No more tests with no weightage, so I gotta work hard.

Band camp next week... I suppose I should go, considering the fact that this one actually consists of practices, and not just stupid ol' games. A serious camp is always good. Problem is, the first day of the camp coincides with my class' CIP day. Will ask my SL about possible solutions when I go for sectionals/practice this Friday.

Slowly but surely adjusting to Poly life. It's a world of wonderful possibilities, but with lots of obligations too. Interesting mix. At least it's not dreary, and thank the gods I'm actually learning stuff that applies to my possible career path. No more useless shit like the sciences. It's one of the reasons I chose Poly, to be honest. I look my at my brother working his arse off in university, and I remember him saying, and I quote, 'Of everything I learned in secondary school, all that's being used in my current work is probably only 10% of ONE subject'. If that isn't a waste of time I don't know what is.

So, decisions to be made, practices to be attended, schoolwork to be studied. Busy busy busy. At any rate, it's better than just sitting around with nothing to do, haha.

John Lennon - Instant Karma! (We All Shine On)

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you're gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin' to do
It's up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin'
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin' at fools like me
Who in the hell d'you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev'ryone come on

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev'ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you're ev'rywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

We all shine on, indeed =)

From sheer satisfaction to asking for more in the short span of 24 hours. Humans, the greediest of organisms.

If you're wondering where that's coming from, well, it's from my own feelings. By the time Friday ended I was feeling really good, as everything over the course of the week had worked out, and worked out well at that too. Then we got to Saturday and I began asking for more out of life again.

Various things made me feel... eh... Sort of neglected, under-appreciated. In the grand scheme of things I suppose I only have myself to blame for that, but at the same time it isn't my fault either. Being myself (specifically myself, not in a general term) in Ang Mo Kio just doesn't cut it. So I experienced the two extremes of what I felt (and still feel) about AMK in between Thursday and Saturday.

I wrote about what I felt on Thursday. Nostalgia, a feeling of being at home, a feeling of being at peace with oneself, etc etc. Then we come to Saturday and I felt myself becoming an alien again, an all too common feeling from years gone by. I say that I have myself to blame because the way I go about things, how I react to things and so on is not exactly accepted in AMK. In that sense, I am at fault. On the other hand, being myself is not actually wrong, because at the end of the day, I hurt no one, at least not intentionally. On top of that I gain a very good perspective on things. So, in this way it's far from being my fault that things are like that.

I suppose there is a reason why I prefer catching up with myself, rather than with friends when I go back to AMK. The culture clash is just too great for any friendships to be truly fulfilling for indefinite periods of time. I've made quite a number of friends in my time at AMK, and some of them are/were really close at that too, but then I count the number that have broken down for one reason or another and I think, 'What do friendships count for in this culture?'. It's not just me either. I've seen at least 2 or 3 seperate cases of people who were once the closest of friends become enemies. That's right, enemies. Not just 'I'll do my own thing and you do yours', but rather 'Fuck you, I'm gonna slit your throat'.

Do you know how sad it is to see such occurances? Nevertheless they seem to be normal enough for people not to make a big hoo-hah about it, and I'm perplexed by it all. Friendships are meant to be cherished, to be nurtured and to be coveted. Not to be thrown around like a rag, using it to clean up messes then just discarding it. Too wrong, just too wrong. It's all too goddamn wrong.

Anyway, to get back to the personal aspect of things, I suppose I lead a charmed enough life, in terms of the 'business' side of things, like my schoolwork and so on. However, when there's yin there must be yang, and I think the poor state of affairs that is my social life (in AMK at least) balances things out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not slating the AMKsians. All I'm saying is that my ways, while generally accepted in society as a whole, garner negative reviews from the AMK side of things. I'm not wrong, but then neither are they.

It's because of that last thought right there, that last sentence, that makes me sometimes just want to forget everything I went through in AMK, good and bad. I should never have gone there, but I did. And I survived. Most people would look at this and think 'What is wrong with you, AMK isn't that bad. It's you who's got the problem', and to a certain extent that is true. However, it isn't easy, in fact it's almost impossible, to appreciate the hurdles I had to overcome, the mountains I had to scale, to get to where I am now. And even then, it's not enough.

Even my friends in SP with me who came from TKSS where they never had to change their ideas on how to speak and how to act and are having some problems adjusting to life in Poly now at least still have each other and me to fall back on at the end of the day. I didn't have anyone throughout my time in AMK. I was stuck in the forest, on my own, with only my wits to guide me. Not easy.

I really don't know how I should feel on the subject. Not my fault, but also my fault. What a conundrum. The only consolation I have now is that I can slowly dissect the situation in my own time without having to live through it at the same time. It's easier that way.

Other things now. I'm writing what I'm writing here based on what I THINK is the situation. No hard evidence, no nothing to back me up, but I'm just gonna go on my gut feeling on this:

I'm sure you know how I feel. You're not stupid and besides, I haven't exactly made it very inconspicuous either. I do feel things for you, though I'm still apprehensive of throwing myself too deep in because of past experiences (especially the last one... that broke me). As such, I can't bring myself to fully say what I want to say. Heard of the phrase 'Once bitten, twice shy'? That applies to me, but with the added factor of the last bite being a criticial blow to my confidence in such matters. I find it immensely difficult to say what I want to say, for fear of of being bitten again. I know it sounds cowardly and weak, but the last one really broke me. It broke my spirit, it broke my belief in human life, it broke me, period. I've recovered alot of that since, with the help of friends and my own ability to pick myself up from the worst setbacks, but there's always going to be one piece that's missing and will not be found.

Therefore, it gets to the stage where I think too much, and have see-saw emotions on the subject. Sometimes I really want you, sometimes I don't. Blame my mind, it thinks too much. Blame the last girl, she crushed me. I don't know anymore.

I do know one thing though. I don't treat such relationships lightly, and I can swear that you will not be disappointed. But of course, that's only if you want it. Your call, I'm waiting for it.

If you still don't know who you are, never mind. If you don't want it, leave things be. Even a logical person like me needs intangible and illogical things like dreams.

---------------------

Okay, out of that now. My internet conked out on me though (I'm typing this post in my mum's office on my laptop, using the wireless here). Hope it fixes soon, the damn thing. Chose the perfect time to fail on me, ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY HOLIDAYS.

Nothing to be done but to wait for it to fix itself, or to call Singtel about it if it still doesn't work after tomorrow. What a pissoff.



Even I need my own impossible dreams.

Abygail

Shi Kai

Tommy

Trumpets [Da Section]

Mabel

Samuel

Alter Ego

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