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Winston Zhang
28 March
NAPS
AMKSS
SP
Man Utd [Since '99]
Football
Video Games
Trumpet
ROCK
Music Junkie
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
23:40:00
I have nothing to say at the moment, just that I'm extremely pissed off as a result of a few things at the moment.
Inefficiency, uncertainty, stupidity... List goes on.
Add fatigue to the equation and what you get is one very, very angry man. Like a volcano which hasn't erupted but really it's just a matter of time.
Let's just get tomorrow over with. I want my holiday and weekend.
Till then, I don't know what I can do to curb this anger.
Fucking retarded.
Monday, April 21, 2008
22:58:00
In terms of language, topic matter and sheer fluidity I think it'll be some time before I top that last post of mine. It may be 11 paragraphs long (12 if you count the shortest one) but it just all came naturally to me. When inspiration hits, it is a joy to be able to just keep writing. Whilst 'in the zone', writing is like a drug to me.
The words just flow, like water in a river. You get into a slipstream and just go where it takes you. Writing can be the most addictive drug.
In other matters, John Lennon as well as some songs from the Vintage Rock (both I and II) are filling my 'recently played' playlists now. It really is quite amusing to see a Megadeth song just before a John Lennon classic. This juxtaposition is another example of the diverse musical tastes I have.
I actually don't have much to say. I pretty much used up my creative tank in that last post. Anything following it would be a completely rubbish post in contrast. That's the crappy thing about me and my writing: I produce this magnificent masterpiece and then my next few articles (or whatever you want to call them) are pretty drab. At least, to me they are. I always have this 'cooldown period' thing before I can write good stuff again...
I should end here. This horse isn't going to be able to survive many more steps, I shouldn't be pushing it too hard. I'll have to try to accept just 'good' work for a little while now. Will never be able to satisfy myself if I take that last one as the benchmark, haha.
Still can't believe I managed to write all that...
Thursday, April 17, 2008
17:54:00
Just watched a little of the movie 'Finding Forrester' on HBO.
In the likely chance that the majority of you wouldn't know the movie too well, it's about this pulitzer-prize winning author who is also incredibly reclusive, shutting himself off from the rest of the world not long after his award-winning novel was published. It was also the only one he ever published. He stays in the Bronx, a 'bad neighbourhood' in New York, so to speak. Through chance, he makes friends with a 16 year old African-American student who has been recently offered a scholarship to a prestigious private school. This student, despite the environment he has grown up in, is extremely bright and a brilliant writer, if abit rough around the edges until he meets Forrester.
It's a good movie, and it got me thinking about my own writing capabilities. Now, I don't wish to sound like an asshole or anything, but my essays are pretty good. I honestly can't remember the last time I got anything less than an A for an essay, besides that one time Mrs Lai failed me purely because she felt I wasn't mature enough to write about what I wrote (office politics). I was pissed off at the time, but looking back, I think she had a point. Besides, if anything, I was one of her favourite students, so there couldn't be any reason to fail me besides the given one. While I might have a very good idea of the world and its workings, I'm not stupid enough to say that I know it all. She might have had a point. I appreciated her input, every time. Not easy to find another teacher so willing to adapt to the (limited) resources available to her yet still be so much like herself.
Anyway, back to the thoughts the movie provoked in me. I've always taken my writing seriously, especially in recent years. I used to always write essays that could be easily adapted to Hardy Boys books; alot of my earlier work included two or more boys stumbling upon adventure, be they smugglers (a Hardy Boys staple, hah) or robbers or whatever. Those, well, always made for good, light reading. They were the sort of stories you'd pick up and read, and, while not being in any way moved by the language, you'd find yourself enjoying the pure simplicity of the story, the sheer innocence of it all. Innocence in the sense of easily foreseen happy endings, and the generic way the two boys always got rewarded for their efforts. I don't think I ever brought anyone on a journey in those stories; I merely took you for a leisurely stroll in the park. Not awe-inspiring but enjoyable nevertheless.
Then I began getting more melancholy in my upper secondary years, seeing more of the world, experiencing more emotions; basically finding out that the world is a horrible place and life is just simply the human spirit shining through the dirt, willing ourselves to make the best of the circumstances.
I began putting more thought into my essays. I always tried to look for ways and means to tug at the heartstrings of the readers. The beauty of it was, I always tried my best to make these little things as unnoticeable as possible. If you ever read one of my essays and felt moved but couldn't explain why, then I did my job. Of course, this didn't always work out, due to a lack of inspiration or, most of the time, a lack of time to really flesh out the story. The end product in such cases was usually another one of those enjoyable stories, which I still find nice to write, but still, they of course lacked that little magical something.
It's not often I finish an essay and think to myself, 'That was great. That was great.' I would still score good marks any way you looked at it, so in the end it became more of a case of satisfying my own desire to strike a chord with the reader rather than to get a good grade. I can only remember feeling really proud of an essay (in terms of fulfilling this desire I have) about once or twice, three times tops. Luckily, one of those times was in the O Levels. I can't be bothered to go into the details of the story, but it was touching, and I don't usually do 'touching'. When inspiration hits, it hits.
The movie made me think about writing about more serious topics. Things like friendship and other social situations, or other such things. In such topics though, I'm severely lacking. I hardly write about such things, and I might sound bitter in the papers if I did, considering my life experiences. The ultimate achievement would be to be able to write a book or article that would make life-weary adults be able to smile and feel positive about life again. Everyone knows how dreary life can be, how shitty it can be and all. To be able to write a book which would help the human spirit shine through all those layers of pessimism and cynicism once again, that would be the best thing I could do with my life.
I live in a country driven by nothing but paper qualifications and money. Really the only reasons I'm where I am. SP, studying for a diploma in Banking and Finance. Given a real choice, in a place where money and paper qualifications aren't so important, do you honestly think I would go the same route? Leave the control of economic markets to other people. Leave the ruling of the world to other people. I just want to express myself through words.
I'll admit, I do want a big house, with nice cars and everything. Just as my brother wants to be able to top what our father has provided for us (which is pretty good already, to be honest), I want to be able to just succeed. My father has owned a Mercedes once. My brother wants to match, then top that. I want to top my brother. It's not a matter of competition as we're as close brothers as you can find; rather, I just want to prove to myself that I can do all I want.
Money makes this world go round, no matter how idealistic you may be. Love may be the lubricant, but money is what really makes the turning occur. Therefore we all gotta aim to earn top dollar. It's sad really; pretty soon everyone just becomes contestants in this rat race we call life. In Singapore, nothing much comes from going against this and trying to be something fresh. Singaporean celebrities' status fail terribly when compared to other countries' celebrities, for example. Big fish, but in an incredibly small pond. No point to that.
If I could write for a living, what a life that would be. Even if I couldn't have that, if I could just write that story that allows the human spirit to shine through all the grime, I'd die happy. I wouldn't even mind dying right after finding out the book was a success. I would have left a mark.
And that's all that really matters.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
21:55:00
Heard from a couple of places that it's the one-year anniversary of AMKSS Band's historic Gold with Honours achievement.
Have to say it never really occured to me. Nevertheless it still ranks as the greatest achievement I've had in my short life so far.
Those days were crazy... Hectic, tiring, disappointing, euphoric, almost every emotion a human being can experience.
The run-up to the day was the craziest. If I'm not wrong April 12 2007 was a Thursday. The three days in the week preceding that fateful day all contained tests. Now, while I never really did very well for tests and exams in upper sec, I usually cared when I did well or not. However that wasn't the case that week. The tests consisted of one English, one Chem and one A Math test, if I'm not wrong. The A Math one was on one of the few topics I actually could do... English was English, no biggie... But I'm pretty sure I totally fudged the Chem test. There was a practice on the day of the Chem test... I remember it was an all-round bad day because I was pissed over the Chem test and THEN had a bad practice. Sounded like crap, I did.
Nevertheless I didn't really care on the whole. SYF was SYF after all.
The day is just a blur in my mind now; I still remember some details but on the whole the whole day went by just like that. Got there, checked in, waited for our turn, played, got off, MaccyD breakfast. Then went in to hear some other bands, and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep halfway through. Then result-time, tense as hell, announcement, sheer exaltation, then the 'fallout' of the euphoria. I remember BT bought us all chocolate bars earlier, and that I didn't start on mine until we were on the bus back to school. Remember offering some to Clara and the other section members.
That's all I remember. Some details, like the choccy one, I don't know why I remember them. Great day, it was.
Winning the top honour was of course the main reason for my happiness on the day, but there were also other underlying factors to my joy, the hugest of which was Vindication (yes, with a capital V). I've talked about this before, the vindication of my methods, of my ideas and of my ideals.
Band 79. Gold with Honours. Vindication.
Ah, April 12th. You beautiful, beautiful date.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
17:26:00
Finally got my Friendster up and running again (go go leave comments lol) and I was reading through the (very pathetic number of) testimonials/comments I have.
It's odd... Quite a number go along the lines of 'This guy's a great listening ear'. Of course, that's a good thing, and I'm always happy to help out my friends in any way. I seem to specialise in this aspect.
What is it about me?
Now, what I'm about to say is based purely on my own feelings and thoughts, and without any concrete evidence to back it up:
I seem to be the sort of person that, because I apparently am good at being the listening ear, most friends turn to when they need such a... service, or whatever you want to call it, then outside of it I'm just 'that guy who's nice'. I might be sounding bitter (which I'm not, honest), but it feels kinda sad. I just feel like nothing much more than an Agony Aunt whose name you know.
Of course, not all my friends treat me this way, and it's not like I have something against those that do. I understand, it might be a subconscious thing. When you have this problem, you go to this guy. When you have that problem, you go to that guy. When you want to do this, you go to person A. When you want to do that, you go to person B etc etc. It might not actually be a conscious decision you're making, it might just be your brain automatically sending you in one direction when you want to do whatever.
I don't blame anyone, but it still feels quite sad. I'm like tissue paper; ultra useful and readily available, but when you're done with it, into the dustbin it goes.
Then again, I might be thinking too much again. God knows I have that handicap.
Sigh.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
01:02:00
Just watched a couple of episodes of The Sopranos on HBO.
Sometimes I just wish I were a mobster you know? It's a very childish sort of dream sort of thing, but still. I don't know, the code they live by is, in its own way, very honourable. But I don't know where this is coming from, honest.
I watch shows like this, like The Godfather, like Scarface (I know, different sort of show) and I try to incorporate little elements of those shows into my life. The better stuff of course, and definitely no illegal stuff. STILL, it's so childish, this whole thing about me, you gotta laugh.
So you see, I'm caught between this and that. Story of my life, really (by the way, I LOVE using that phrase). What to do when you have a half-here-half-there mind? So many times I end up doing nothing or taking too long to do things that I appear lazy or plain nonchalant. The truth is I over-think decisions most of the time. I wish I could be more spontaneous but that's really not up to me. My brain's hardwired this way, what can I do about it?
You know, I'd love to be a psychiatrist or a shrink, but then I'd be the lousiest one in the business cos I would be in it just to try to work out the different ways people think about a certain thing, or how they would go about a certain situation. I wouldn't be helping them, I'd just be reading case studies. It'd be EXACTLY like reading case studies, only that the situation is live.
Is it odd to find such things so interesting, so intriguing? Coming from a guy with the very typical male interests like football, comics, video games and such?
You see, right here, I AM a case study. Both deep and incredibly, incredibly shallow at the same time. What the hell?
Man, this post is all over the place. There is no direction coming from anywhere. This is how I would sound if you overheard me talking to myself. And yes, I do talk to myself. It's fun/good, everyone should try it every now and then.
I don't even know how I'm going to end this post, it's so abstract, so diverse. Too diverse.