Holy crap, has it been so long since I last posted already?

The last post was at the end of my third week at work. Now I'm sitting here typing this on the eve of the first of the last four weeks of my attachment. 18 more days, to be exact, since this coming week is only three days long, what with Chinese New Year.

I have to say, although the job is hella boring and tedious, I really have got to be grateful for my placement. Nice supervisors, a fellow intern I can chit chat with even if we're different enough to not be able to be super-best-of-friends, nice colleagues (the few who speak to us interns), easy (albeit tedious) work... I didn't exactly hit the lottery but I sure got one of the consolation prizes, I feel.

In other news, having not run since the middle of December, my condition has gone to hell and frankly I don't think I'll have the time or energy to get it back till my attachment is over. I'm not kidding when I say that every evening when I get home, I can just take a shower and fall asleep, it's that tiring. In fact I've done that a couple of times already. That said, I really got to get my conditioning back. Four more weeks, then I'll start jogging again. Got to remind myself to ease myself back into it though. I'm not gonna be doing 6km+ in under an hour just yet.

Hm, what else. PES B1 for my NS medical checkup, sort of expected. Not happy or disappointed, it is what it is. Still can't pass NAPFA, a bit sian about that but whatever, I'll let the army do its magic on me. The weight loss was just my own initial effort. I hope I come out two years later looking and feeling much better physically. Also got to start thinking about my future. Kinda scary to not have any plans...

Well, till next time then. I'm just grateful for things nowadays. One little hurdle left before I can leave this all behind for good, or at least I hope I can. Wish me luck!


Well, 3 weeks of the attachment down. 9 more to go. Not that it's so bad that I have to count down, but... yeah.

It's been a rough week. Not work-wise, there's nothing too much happening there. Personal matters... sigh.

I don't know how to put this out here. I'm just really sad and disappointed. That said, I've experienced worse, in a way. So this time it feels horrible but not that bad at the same time. It's quite confusing, really. Sometimes my brain concentrates on the obvious sadness of being rejected (again...) and I feel like shit, other times it concentrates on the fact that this time things didn't completely, utterly blow up so it's not THAT horrible and I feel... blank.

Problems, problems, problems.

Anyway, it's Christmas. Forgive me for being a little sour about it. To me the whole warm image of being with loved ones that Christmas perpetuates just makes me feel a little worse about my loneliness. Not that I have anything against anyone who's enjoying themselves and completely in the spirit of things; I just reserve the right to be sour on my own.

At any rate, Merry Christmas to anyone who reads this. I hope you're having a better one than I am :)


Well that's my first ever week of work life over with then.

It's been somewhat uneventful. Nothing too great and nothing too bad either. I wouldn't mind if the rest of the 3 months were like this. Just been doing some admin stuff, stuff that's really tedious and takes a long time but is fundamentally simple. Could be worse, that's what I think.

I'm actually quite afraid I might put on lots of weight during this attachment period though. All day just sitting in an office, the only break being lunch of course (meaning break = calories piled on). It doesn't help that, for some reason, even though I've been skipping lunch for years, nowadays I feel really hungry come 12 pm. Even ate $5 worth of yong tau foo on Wednesday zzz.

Quite tired right now, but kinda energized by the fact that I've got my weekend ahead of me. That feeling never gets old. I wonder when's the next time I can play bball though. Maybe only when Tommy comes back. And even then other people might not be free. Ah well.

Oh, almost forgot! There's a really cute and well-behaved golden retriever who comes around to Valley Point (where I'm working) every Tuesday and Thursday. He's seriously big and cute. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just so cool to have something like him around. One of the little interesting tidbits I can look back on when I'm done with my 3 months.


His name's Puffy! He's got a Facebook page too hahah. Search 'puffy de vp' if you're interested.

Anyway that's it for now I guess. Here's hoping stuff works out well for me :)

What a horrible few days.

It's all come crashing down all around me and frankly, I don't know. I just don't know.

I am so pissed at myself but also not at the same time because this thing is another one of those things I can't blame myself for fully, neither can I blame anything/anyone else. All it leaves me in is a confused, troubled, frustrated, unhappy wreck.

I've still got so much on my plate. Still got to write my cover letter. Still got to figure out how to get to and from the Standard Chartered run tomorrow. Still got to figure out how to get to and from my workplace, and how long the journeys would take.

There's still the NVP presentation in about 3-4 hours' time. I hope that goes smoothly.



I just don't have it in me anymore. All the betrayal and blind siding that's happened to me over the past 1 1/2 years has broken me. The initial difficulties are obvious but no one knows what the aftermath feels like. I don't know about other people but for me, I don't know how to get over it. I'm just so cautious and high-strung right now regarding such things, and I wish I weren't, but I don't know if I can afford not to be, because I'm scared. I'm terrified of being bludgeoned with the same weapon again. I'm something I don't want to be but I. Can't. Do. A. Damn. Thing. About. It.

I want to love you. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing that all on my own. I need your reciprocation. But then again, in a Catch-22-esque way, I need to earn your reciprocation, but I can't because I'm in such a state. I can only love you if you love me, but I can't love you because you won't love me till I love you.

Oh for everything to just have a freakin' happy ending...



It's been an interesting week.

Although it was the last week of school, it totally didn't even feel like a school week. For one, I had a three-day week instead of the usual four days because there was no PM lecture and no NVP lesson on Monday. So with just three days of school things seemed to zip by pretty quick.

Secondly, coming off the happiness of last Saturday, of which the 'residue' was still very much surrounding me, and because there was an outing planned with the same people (Qing, Tommy and Eugene) on Friday, this last week felt more like a getaway than what it was, still another school week.

So, since I'm sure no one wants to hear about the drudgery that is my school life and I myself have no intention to re-live any of it, let's cut straight to Friday. First though, some notes:

From Wednesday evening through to Friday morning I had been feeling rather vexed. Coincidentally, so was Qing, over similar problems. So on Friday I was just wanting to meet friends and forget about troubles for awhile (which is what I recommended to Qing too). I coincidentally met her on the bus, and we just talked out our respective troubles a bit on the way to Serangoon MRT.

Met the dudes and from there proceeded to Sentosa. As Eugene later opined, the four of us seemed a rather odd group to be heading to Sentosa, but once again I think the feeling of old friendship and camaraderie made its presence felt and all felt right.

I don't quite know what it is about this particular foursome that seems so 'correct'. The way we just play off each other is so well-balanced and perfect. All of us have something to say to any one other person in the group, as well as to the group in general. No matter what kind of relationship pairing you try to draw (whether me-Qing, Tommy-Qing, Tommy-Eugene-me, me-Qing-Eugene, etc etc.), we all have stuff to talk about. Not just superficial stuff either. Well okay, some of it was superficial, but the vibe is really just... special.

Anyway, we headed to the beach first. We didn't really do much there, just kinda waded around the water a teeny bit before just sitting at the water's edge and gossiping and joking around. It's the kind of stuff that, when one looks back on it(like I'm doing now), sounds so -nothing- but at the time just felt so nice.

From there we decided to go check out Universal Studios. Not the inside of course, just the area in front of it, the shops surrounding the signature globe. Tommy's wonderland, in other words, because of all the candy shops :D We didn't get anything, but the selection and all the colours and the packaging of most of the stuff just felt so cute/cool/enticing/alive/happy (pick your adjective). It was fun to simply browse.

Tried Reese's Pieces for the first time (though I've always been aware of it) and it really is good. Neither the chocolate nor peanut butter is too overpowering, they play off each other really well.

From there we headed to the Hard Rock Hotel. Initially we had intended to dine at a restaurant located in the hotel as Tommy had a voucher/coupon for the place, but after lounging around in the hotel lobby (which looks really cool, black all over the place and strategic lighting to make it look real cosy yet exclusive at the same time) and thinking of other options, we decided to head to The Heeren to have a Japanese buffet at a place called Kiseki.

We passed by my future place of work while on the bus to Orchard. Valley Point looks like such a quiet and out-of-the-way shopping mall. It almost looks sad, hahaha. Still got to figure out how I'm gonna haul my butt there every morning for three months starting 6 Dec.

We also discussed the possibility of having an overseas trip sometime next May. I'm not gonna put too much hope into it just yet, not after the way the last trip we were planning came to nothing in the end. Of course I'd be delighted to go overseas with these pals, but I think I'd better not think about it too much and build it up too much lest something crops up and blows it all up.

Anyway, we got to The Heeren about 15 minutes before dinner was to start. Made some small talk until it opened up. One of the staff really looked like the old band teacher Ms Seah. Even her mannerisms were similar hahah.

The first 10-15 minutes of dinner was really rather quiet. Why? We were all too damn hungry to talk HAHA. The spread isn't half-bad, and given the chance I'd definitely go back there again. We just enthused about the food for the early part of dinner, before switching topics to the likelihood and possible make up of the next alumni band. Made some jokes and enjoyed the food, just more good vibes all round :)

Late and post-dinner conversation revolved around whether we were gonna head to Yu Qing's/Eugene's/my place for Monopoly Deal and chilling or not. It all hinged on Eugene, cos he also had another group of pals to meet for mahjong. We took the MRT all the way to Braddell before he made his decision, which was to abandon us =( hahaha. Oh well, we went our seperate ways at Bishan MRT, save for Qing and I since we live on the same street.

Walked back with her discussing our problems again, before separating after she got to her block. Went back feeling somewhat unfulfilled... cos I had been hoping for another late night session of Monopoly Deal and chit chat, but oh well. It's the last we're seeing of Tommy for another month-plus too, he just flew off to the UK today with his family for a holiday, so it kinda felt like a shame. Eugene ditching us turned into a blessing for me in the end though!

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Walked back home feeling slightly dissatisfied but still telling myself to be grateful that I had had the opportunity to have a nice day out with good pals. 'Better than rotting at home,' I told myself. 'Stop taking things for granted Winston; you've been through real bad times, you know this is already a very happy day.' With that I entered my home and set about dealing with the dirty laundry and so on.

Headed up to my room and just did my usual Facebook stuff, checking on my games and then just 'wasting' time, though in reality it really was more of a 'debriefing' kind of thing for me. I do things like that. Basically just getting acclimatised and relaxed with being home and on my own again.

It had been a fun day, though of course tiring. I was ready for a nice warm shower and turning in early, buoyed by the good vibes I'd been enjoying all day long... Then you talked to me on MSN :D

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I haven't felt so happy for the longest time. I can't remember the last time I was as happy.

Funny how the simplest of things can affect one so much, huh. At any rate I'm gonna take things slow... As things stand I'm already taking risks I normally would never take. I'm a seriously risk-averse guy, but... I think for you, I'm willing to put my heart out on the line :)

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Well, tough week ahead. I hope I'm prepared well enough for tomorrow's FT paper. Don't really know what to study for this subject, it being taught the way it is. I just concentrated on all the calculations and some stuff I marked with ticks and stars. Hopefully, really hopefully, that's enough. Heading to school early to do more revision.

What a crazy week it's gonna be. Hopefully things all work out well; for both papers as well as for my NAPFA and my FYP presentation. I really want/need to finish off poly strongly.


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And hopefully you'll keep making my life special... :)

Yesterday was one of the happiest days I've had for a looooong time.

Besides the usual gym session in the morning which usually manages to make me feel better simply by getting me going physically (which helps to clear the mind, at least for me), there was also AMKSS' Passing Out Parade.

At first it looked like it was gonna fizzle out. Cos I had been hoping for all the alumni of my section to come back and we could go have a mini section outing, just us old fogeys. Basically, the 2007 GWH veterans plus Yu Qing. I really miss them... But anyway that plan was shot down soon enough as Clara had to leave early anyway, for her piano lesson, and Rui Shan couldn't come. So while I had been optimistic a few days prior to yesterday, by the day itself I was kinda 'meh' about going.

Nevertheless, figured that I didn't have anything much better to do anyway so I might as well go and try to enjoy myself. After all, the old guys were going for sure. But things turned out much better. Yu Qing had been hesitating about going at first but decided to go in the end, and I spent most of the time with her and Clara, watching the parade and then just mingling with all the old faces like Hazmei and Brandon. Went up to the band room to check out the new additions; new doors and carpeting. Things have really changed since my time...

So after all was said and done we decided to go for dinner, Yu Qing, Tommy, Eugene and I. Li Ting, Danhui and Shu Yi also went with us to Pizza Hut but for the most part it was 'separated' into these two groups of people talking amongst themselves, if you get what I mean.

Dinner was a cheerful affair, laughs were had and I think we were really just enjoying the company of old friends. It's an unspoken and frankly somewhat indescribable emotion, being so comfortable and happy simply by being with friends from a 'past life', when things weren't so complicated and things were more 'real', when you didn't have to second guess everything someone said or did, when things were more black and white instead of so many shades of grey.

After dinner Tommy, Eugene and I decided to head to Yu Qing's house to chill out. So many years of knowing Yu Qing and I had never been to her place before yesterday. Anyway we spent the bulk of the time learning/playing Monopoly Deal. Eugene had a deck with him and taught the three of us how to play. We played four games and I won one of them. Tommy seemed the most blur of all of us and yet he won the other three games. Sly fox Tom Toms :D

After that we just spent the rest of the time chatting about old times and some potential future plans. Once again the things we talked about don't sound particularly interesting or whatever when put down in words like I'm doing now but, for me at least, there was a very happy vibe between all four of us.

Old friends from days gone by... friendships that have been put on the backburner due to more immediate worries... and yet when we come together again everything still feels so right. It really is one of the best feelings one can ever experience. Maybe because it's such a comforting, reassuring emotion.

Band has really given me so much.

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Of course... YOU played an important part in making yesterday so amazing for me too... :)


Today was the first day in ages I got some proper sleep in, although in a weird way. Woke up at 7-ish cos that's how I'm 'programmed', went back to sleep after using the loo. Woke up at 10 or so and got up to eat and watch TV. Went to sleep again at around 1 or 2. Then woke up around 4 or 5 and been up since.

Yea I know it's totally lazy and slothful but with the perpetual lack of sleep nowadays I think I can be forgiven for choosing to be a total pig for the occasional day.

It's also the first time I've really had time to think about things. Given that I already always think a lot about a lot of things, this means that today I thought more than usual. Didn't come to any satisfactory conclusions about anything, and the main thing bugging me nowadays remains as persistent as ever. I suppose there just simply isn't any real solution to it.

Well, I don't really have much else to say for now. I just don't seem to have much to put down in words nowadays, especially compared to the archived posts on this blog. I don't really know why that is. Maybe I'm just tired and weary with life. There's just no more spark. I appreciate hanging out with friends and all, and I'm not trying to downplay their importance in my life, but I just don't have that much of a zest for things anymore I guess. Don't have anything that really gives my life true meaning right now.

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Can good things just fall in my lap for once?
I'm just tired of fighting
I deserve much better than this
So can good things just fall in my lap for once?

Abygail

Shi Kai

Tommy

Trumpets [Da Section]

Mabel

Samuel

Alter Ego

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