Hey! ... Shut up!

2009-05-12T22:55:00.001+08:00

Pretty much everything's over at the livejournal now, so go there if you want to read the ramblings of a madman.

And if you don't know how to get there, TRY HARDER. I gave it to you. =D

2009-05-03T22:50:00.000+08:00

Let's see how long I can last.

2009-04-10T00:09:00.003+08:00

So I just updated my Internet Explorer to version 8 and spent a good five minutes wondering whether I had just voluntarily fucked myself when I couldn't open IE (it kept closing due to some error or other). Figured out a way around it and now it's fine again though. Man that was close.

I've been spending the past couple of days with SK and/or Abby. Everytime I go out with them, I feel at peace with the world. They give me the right balance in life. It's like SK's one extreme (super nice guy to the rescue!), I'm the other (angry motherfucker) and Abby's the neutral one.

I know I can (or do) appear quite high-handed in this blog, at least as of late. That stems from me taking pride in my strengths, especially the ability to cut through the bullshit and to get straight to the heart of the matter. But I'd be the first to admit that I still have much to learn in life.

I'm too real for my own liking sometimes. Leaves me seeing misery almost everywhere (this doesn't mean I'M miserable, I just see misery), which in turn leaves me quite apathetic about most things, which then leads to me looking like someone who just doesn't give a shit about anything.

I like how I am; I would not trade being real for anything. But I am open to learning how to be less, well, 'angry' about things. Mind you, I rule out delusion and ignorance immediately. I wanna be more open-minded, not fucking delusional.

Maybe some things you just gotta choose though, I don't know. Maybe to be more forgiving I'd have to give up a significant amount of 'realism'. If that were the case I'd stick with being real, but I'd still like to absorb as much 'open-mindedness' as possible.

I need a day or two to myself to meditate a little. Not sit cross-legged on the floor and go 'ohm' kind of meditate lah, but just, you know, clear my mind.

Too few people catch up with themselves and re-evaluate their needs and wants. Leads to alot of frustration when they can't figure out why they're feeling so shitty. Alone-time is seriously underrated.

In other things, I'm gonna change the tone of my blog posts. It's slowly becoming something I cringe at when I read. I've always tried to avoid being something I hate, in whatever I say or do, and it's slowly becoming waaaay too pretentious for my liking.

I'll still complain about something or other now and then, but it'll be things that, although maybe appearing like I'm just being anal, are really scourges of this world once you put some thought to it. Not that I've been complaining irrationally, but it'll be more streamlined in the future.

Well, peace out guys.

Presence of mind.

2009-04-06T23:20:00.003+08:00

It's a really interesting (and new) perspective to have when I realise that I'm actually the same age as the guy who scored against Villa to win us the match.

I mean, seriously. All we ever grow up with is thinking about the likes of Zidane, Figo, Ronaldinho, Beckham, Ginola, Mcmanaman and so on, performing wonders for the biggest clubs in the world.

They always seemed so far away (not geographically only lah haha); grown men playing football in what amounts to being an alien land for us. Grown men with families and careers.

Then in recent years there's been a marked increase in the number of young wonderkids, with the likes of Rooney, Ronaldo, Fabregas, Messi, Bojan, Balotelli and so on.

Still, it all seemed quite normal. They still looked like grown men with already established careers, albeit with more years ahead of them than the previous set of names.

The fact that some of these guys are only a few years older, or even the same age, compared to me always went over my head for some reason. Bojan is only one year older than me, for example! And now we have Federico Macheda, who's the same age as me (he'll be 18 in August), scoring a last minute winner in one of the biggest football leagues in the world.

Can you imagine? In some alternate reality, your friggin' classmate could be a worldwide superstar! It boggles the mind. Before too long I'll be looking at the 18-year olds coming through the system and be calling them kids cos I'll be so much older by then.

I'm old already hahahaha

2009-04-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

I suppose I should let up abit.

It's hard sometimes, having to compromise so much. The fact still remains that I am but human, and am not all-powerful or whatever.

I, every now and then, get too big for my boots. It's like a cycle, you know? I start with my mind really open to other people, willing to give others a chance, only to be disappointed time and again, causing me to become so... angry and high-handed. Then I review my behaviour and find it thoroughly unacceptable and then the cycle begins again.

It would seem that this is something that will not change; I'll have to keep going through this cycle over and over again, hopefully getting some real results out of it here and there. It's just about the best I can hope for, really =/

I have to thank my father really, for the ability to chastise myself and to keep myself in check. He's the sort of parent who's never really satisfied with his children's achievements, always asking them to go for more. If you get an A for a test, he'll want you to go for a distinction. If you get a distinction, he'll want you to go for full marks.

It can sometimes be really infuriating and frustrating, when it seems that nothing you do can satisfy him. But at the end of the day, when everything's done and dusted, what he's done has helped me immeasurably. It has made me demand for nothing but the best, at least in things that I KNOW I can do really well in.

My mum has always been the 'softer' half of this particular parenting duo. She's the one in charge of nurturing and coddling, while my dad is the one who demands and demands. I guess parenting is all about balance.

And they sure as hell got it spot on =)

2009-04-04T00:07:00.002+08:00

That last post was as much a commendation for AMK band as it was a damning indictment on the many people who take the awards too seriously. While it may mean that I appear an asshole for saying such things, I hope both meanings got through. What is, is, and what isn't, isn't. No delusions.

Speaking of which, I've thought about some of my thought processes and decisions of recent times, and I find myself to be extremely mechanical and robot-like. I'm a freakishly logical person, almost (if not already) to a fault.

Perhaps it's due to some things I've gone through in life, perhaps it's just how my mind is wired. Whatever it is, I find myself to be a very cold, almost unfeeling creature. Most of the time, anyway.

I, however, reject the notion that I am devoid of emotion when it comes to decision-making. I am still a human being, after all. The thing is, logic constructs my decisions, while emotions temper them, adjust them.

I know of people who make decisions based almost entirely on their emotions, then when things go kaboom they blame everybody but themselves. I try not to associate myself with such people anymore (waaaaay too tiring, and for nothing at that too), although I have interacted with such people before.

Humans are irrational due to their emotions. Therefore, to make any decisions (especially major ones) with emotion as the major factor is only asking for trouble, and when the shit hits the fan, you'd have absolutely no right to blame anyone but yourself.

Don't get me wrong though. I believe emotions, in general, are good. What makes us such unbelievably fallible creatures also makes us special. It's knowing when, and how, to use one's emotions that's the main stumbling block of so many people.

I watch the world go by, making sense of everything (and believe you me, there're many illogical things in this world) bit by bit. I might tend to generalise sometimes, but nobody minds generalisation until it applies to them. By that token, I reserve my right to generalise (although I am able to go into details).

I see the world as only a few do. It is a depressing sight much of the time, mostly due to the people in it. Which explains the choices I make, the philosophy I follow. I never mean any harm, but at the same time I want nothing to do with most people.

I am truly grateful for the friends I have. Amazing people, they are. All very human, as I am, but all not willing to take ignorance as a way of life. For that alone they deserve admiration.

I am logical to a fault. While it may be off-putting, it also means that it is easy for anyone to know what I mean. Sometimes, I might say things that sound unpleasant. But you know what? I'm right. Get angry if you must; it is only human nature. But when you finally take the time to think about it and stop being selfish and thinking of only yourself, you will inevitably find that I am right.

Now you see why I isolate myself? I don't wish to piss people off, especially since most have done nothing to deserve being pissed off. There is always a bigger picture to explain my choices and actions. No one sees it but me though, sadly.

Clarity and incision.

2009-03-31T22:25:00.002+08:00

So I went to watch this morning's SYF for secondary school bands.

Of course, main reason was to see AMK. In the end it almost turned out to be the only reason. Every other band, save for Hougang, were thoroughly uninspired. There wasn't anything worth listening to until Hougang went up, and then AMK bested them.

Sure, AMK only got a gold, but so what? I see so many people's MSN nicks/PMs saying stuff to console or whatever. You know what, that shouldn't be the case. It just feels like these people are belittling the band's achievements. They don't need no fucking condolences; they were that damn good.

I don't even see why people would want to go to sites like sgbandfusion to see what they said about AMK. The band performed to a level where only fools and retards would dispute their quality. They don't need other people's opinions to validate themselves. The fact is there, the recordings available to anyone to listen; AMK were miles ahead of everyone else this morning.

So they got penalised for taking too much time. So what? They performed at an incredible level. If they get marked down by such chickenshit criteria, so be it. Everybody there this morning knows who played music and who just played notes.

People are so narrow-minded. The award is a big thing, yes, but the most important thing has always been, and will always be, the experience of creating music as a team.

Everyone, get the fuck over getting 'just' a Gold. Because they played great. Don't fucking belittle their achievements by getting all bogged down by the semantics. AMK was a powerhouse this morning. So don't fucking forget it just cos they 'only' got a Gold.

Get the fuck over it. The fact remains that they are a quality band in their own right.

Well done, AMK. You played music, not notes. Well done.

2009-03-29T00:56:00.002+08:00

Well then.

Just like that my birthday has come and gone. While I don't really celebrate or even put much focus on it at all, it still feels a little sad for the day to have gone, hah. Doesn't make sense, does it?

Truth be told, and I don't know why this is the case, I have never felt the need (or even want) to celebrate my birthday. I tend to find it embarrassing, people fussing over me. All I really ask for every 28th March is for friends to acknowledge the fact and wish me a happy birthday. Doesn't have to be in any elaborate manner either; a simple sms would more than suffice.

I see no need for presents or cake. Honestly, the best present (if you INSIST on giving me one) would either be money or a free meal or something like that. Basically, something money-related. Not that I'm money-minded or anything, but it just seems the most practical to me. Helps me save, you know? Besides, most of the material things I want, I can get them myself. I don't spend much on a day-to-day basis, so occasionally splurging on some more expensive stuff (video games, a few books, etc) is well within my means. Therefore, it's just about impossible to get me something I really want if you were to buy me a gift.

Well, I'm 18 now. Qualifies me for M18 movies and videogames, as if I haven't already had my fair share of those, haha.

It's a nice number, 18. As I've said before, 18's one of those landmark ages. That alone makes this birthday that little bit more special, I guess (even if my birthdays are incredibly ordinary affairs). Pretty much opens me to anything now. 21's the next landmark, but that seems ages away, what with two more years of poly plus NS between now and then.

18. Hope I have another good 12 months ahead of me. The last 12 were quite satisfactory, even if there were some huge hurdles, obstacles and irritants along the way.

18.

18!

2009-03-24T22:22:00.003+08:00

Fuck, I sound really pretentious in that last post don't I?

I didn't mean it to come out sounding like that, really. Then again, how do you talk about something like that without sounding like an elitist asshole? Maybe I should stop with such posts.

Life's been tremendously boring recently, although that's also how I like it (for the most part). Been taking the time to read some books I got from Borders recently, and to catch up on all the lost sleep one tends to accumulate over the course of a school term/semester. Not many games to play; I've semi-quit WoW (might go back to it next time, but it's a definite no-no for the forseeable future), and it's not like I've got any new games recently. Mind you, there aren't any good games out there to get at the moment. Guess I'll just have to make do with some hardcopy entertainment (my books) and whatever I can scrounge together from the Internet.

Damn, I'm a fuckin' loser. =D

Well, just four more days to my birthday. Not like I'm gonna have any celebration or anything, that's just not how things work in my boring ol' life. It's just, I'll be 18, you know? Not a big deal to me or anything, but 18 is one of those landmark ages, innit.

On a last note, anyone who hasn't tried reading the comic Pearls Before Swine needs to start. Funny as hell. Cheers mates.

2009-03-21T14:47:00.002+08:00

Something interesting I noted recently: people don't realise how much they betray themselves in their writing.

I've touched on people putting on facades before, and while most of the time those facades are laughably easy to see through, many people completely expose themselves in how they write.

Very few people appreciate the power of words, and the fact that most people just blog/write without really thinking about which words they're using leaves many people more exposed than they would like.

Anyone can be non-direct in putting their thoughts across. For example, when you want to write about something but at the same time want to conceal some personal opinions on the matter, you'll change your writing accordingly. However, a lack of thought/vocabulary will always betray you. Only people with competent vocabulary or the ability to cover all bases (an extension of 'thinking too much') can truly hide all that they want to hide.

Via this method I've managed to gather more insights as well as confirm some beliefs I've had about some people. Don't get me wrong though, it's not only 'bad' people who commit this mistake. Regular, good people do too. It's just more fun to be able to see through the 'bad' people who think they're oh-so-clever. There's nothing more sorry/pathetic/bleedin' hilarious than someone who thinks he's cleverer than he actually is, after all.

Doing this with people I trust is merely to corroborate their words with their actions, thereby helping me gauge their sincerity. They generally all check out; they're good people, my friends.

I also have some strong thoughts on another subject, but it's a little too sensitive to talk about publicly, especially with most of the population totally unable to engage in a proper discussion/debate without bringing personal feelings and bias into it. To be fair, it's internationally sensitive anyway, this topic, so forget it. I'll say this though:

People should make choices to enrich their spirit. Not to provide compensation for other lacking areas in their lives. By using ideas as an emotional crutch rather than for what they really are/stand for, you only disgrace the ideas and put yourself across as ignorant, needy, and devoid of any self-belief.

Whatever your choices may be, always look for peace and presence of mind. Submitting yourself for any other reason is pure idiocy, and will leave you poorer for it.

Clarity and incision.

2009-03-19T00:48:00.002+08:00

I feel like I've got alot to say but not the means to express them all.

It's just alot of conflicting emotions. Thankfully though, they're not on the same subject so it's not like I'm having some decision-making crisis. It's just, quite a few different things are occurring at the same time, you know?

I've realised recently that, in some cases, longevity stands for shit. This is something close to my heart and it is quite piercing that this can actually occur. It should never have occurred, this problem. No signs pointed to it. The subject should be stable enough to not let this happen, but happen it did. The whole situation is absolutely ludicrous and supposedly impossible, but it happened.

Some other aspects of my life are doing well, though. I'm happy for those, feeling good about things in general. There's not much to be said other than I'm happy about these things.

So it's quite a mish-mash of things... I'm not about to let the shitty stuff bring me down, but it does leave me wondering about the future. Will it work, what we intend to do? And if it doesn't, what'll happen? For that matter, if it works, will it work the way we want it to? So many facets to this conundrum...

Well, also, results are out. Did okay, nothing great. So I'm not ecstatic but far from unhappy either. Very 'meh'.

I need something... 'ethereal' to help me along... and this is a great song for that very purpose.

Led Zeppelin - Kashmir

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear
Oh, oh.

Oh, I been flying... mama, there ain't no denyin'
I've been flying, aint no denyin', no denyin'

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where I've been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when movin' through Kashmir

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear
Ohh.

When I'm on, when I'm on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, when I'm down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well I'm down, so down
Ooh, my baby, oooh, my baby, let me take you there

Let me take you there... Let me take you there...

2009-03-07T20:20:00.002+08:00

In a mood that can only be described as 'smouldering' now.

Work is bad enough in itself, in the way it just drains me of all my energy, and it was worse than usual today cos I got a headache. It's fucking impossible to work with a headache, especially in an environment that mostly leaves one feeling incredibly restless. The last 3-4 hours of work was torture.

The bus home was hell crowded, but that's to be expected at 7, 8-something on a Saturday evening. What really got my fucking goat was the people on board. Dicks who don't know how to move to the back of the bus when the space appears. There was this woman who was content with parking her fat ass near the entrance and only showed signs of moving when a seat freed up. Just as well the seat got taken before she got there, the fucking lard-bucket. What's worse though, was the fact that she went back to her original, space-filling position. In a bus that crowded, that's just plain selfish (and that's a severe understatement).

Also another couple of ladies who liked to move back and forth in this, I repeat again, FUCKING CROWDED BUS. For fuck's sake, DON'T MOVE UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.

ALSO, a young couple who looked like the world owes them everything, standing at the entrance and just plain refusing to move further in. Your typical couple of the modern times; the kind that leaves you wondering just what the fuck either party sees in each other, your typical ah lian-ish girl with a guy who doesn't look like he's got any substance at all. You know what I think, I think they probably got together cos both were desperate for a relationship.

I see such people and I just lose faith in humanity all over again. That makes about 5 times now I've lost faith. This world is fucked, so long as such people exist.

I've read The Watchmen (the graphic novel), and although the ultimate solution seems extreme, somehow, you just feel that that's probably the ONLY solution. I'm not going to elaborate on the book (it's awesome though), but yeah.

It's never the ideologies, the technology or the concepts that fuck this world up. It's always the people who fuck it up. We're fucked cos of ourselves. That's how ri-fucking-diculous this world is.

I apologize for the insane number of F-bombs in this post, but you try going through what I did today without swearing. You'd explode from the effort, I guarantee you that.

Fuckin' hell.

2009-03-04T14:17:00.002+08:00

So I'm currently in the shop, finally getting a break.

It has to be said, the lunchtime period is the busiest by far. People take advantage of the one or two hours they have for lunch to drop by the shop to pick up a few spare parts or to drop off their bike for servicing or whatever. Rushed off my feet for a full two hours, I'm not kidding. Not even a second to sit down.

I'm going to be helping out in the shop till next Friday, as my parents flew off for a little holiday of their own in Taiwan just this morning. I woke up at the godforsaken hour of 4.15am to see them off. Not that I mind; they're my parents, mind you. But when you just spent the previous day also working and only getting to sleep around 12-ish, you're going to be hell tired the next day.

Truth be told, fatigue hasn't quite hit me yet. Then again, I think I'm running on pure andrenaline at the moment. I bet I sleep like a log when I hit the sack tonight. It's just as well I'm not going to work tomorrow (the only day besides Sunday that I won't be, for this period), and that I'm only meeting Abby and SK in the evening. If we were meeting in the morning I wouldn't be able to make it. But hey, Abby doesn't wake up till 3 in the afternoon anyway, so there was never any danger of that happening =D

Another thing that's helping me keep awake is radio. Not local radio, radio on da intrawebz. I interchange between AbsoluteClassicRock (a British station) on iTunes and listening to a huge playlist of classic rock/blues music on www.last.fm. I can't stress this enough; once you go to radio on the internet, you'll never, never, go back to local radio. Well, for me, anyway. I just prefer the topics they come up with for discussion on Brit radio, and the music selection (from both sources) is just so, so much better than what's available on local radio, even the more bearable ones like Gold 90 (sure, go ahead and call me an old stick in the mud =D).

I've already heard so much stuff from Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix, Deep Purple and all these other legends, and I just can't get enough of it. Not just the usual stuff that Singapore radio plays from these guys either. Not just stuff like 'Smoke On The Water' or 'Voodoo Chile'. The variety is awesome. These stations really are for me.

Lunchtime's over and there's significantly fewer customers now. I thought I'd have to write this post in chunks while I got up every few minutes to tend to another customer, but I managed to do it all in one sitting.

It's gonna be one helluva week and a half. Then again, if everyday were like today I wouldn't mind too much. It could be much worse, that's for sure. My job sure as hell ain't easy, even if getting it is/was. Just as well it pays good, eh?

Cheers mates.

2009-03-02T21:28:00.002+08:00

Man, what happened to me?

I used to have tons of things to say and tons of ways to say them. But all I've got recently is a whole load of emptiness.

I read through entries of mine from over the past year or so, and I really used to have so much more to talk about, to ponder on, to work the grey matter over. Posts used to come much more frequently back then too. So there was both quality and quantity back then. Now, there's neither.

Maybe it's because my life has become that much more boring since then. There used to be so much more happening in my life, both good and bad.

You know, even though this blog is public and open to anyone to read, its main purpose is really to give me some perspective on the changes in my life and how I react to them. Sort of like one long-ass reflection worksheet or something, except that in this case it's actually useful.

Reading my previous posts also gave me food for thought, besides wondering why I have so little to write about these days. Maybe it's cos I don't update often, but I seem to jump from one major event in my life to another. I only have to go back a few pages to read about the biggest lie that's been told to me recently, for example.

Speaking of which, I think that... incident has had a much bigger and far-reaching effect on my life than I first thought it would. In many ways it probably represents the last chance I'm giving to life, the world and the people in it. Life has disappointed me in many ways, and me being the kind of person I am, I probably would've given up on it long before this incident, but apparently, my heart screamed out to give this godforsaken world one more chance, and I did. Of course, we all know how that turned out, and now it would seem that I'm more cynical than ever.

Even the nicest people I meet almost all turn out to have some hidden agenda of some kind in the end. I don't go out much, so I have alot of time to think about things, and I come up with solid theories on alot of different people. I say 'solid' because those theories account for everything the person says or does, no hanging doubts.

If there's one thing I've come to a conclusion about with all this thinking, it's that the nicest, most seemingly perfect people in the world are all dirty, stinkin' liars. Okay, maybe I shouldn't say 'nicest', because some people genuinely are nice, but the ones I mean are those that seem to be perfect. There's no one perfect on this world, and, as I've said before, I'd be more inclined to believe or like someone for what they appear to be if they had flaws rather than if they appeared perfect.

An extension of that theory would be that, since perfection is impossible, it would stand to reason that those who appear perfect are putting on a show, for whatever reason. You've got the scheming motherfuckers, you've got people who just act nice to know more about you so they've got leverage on you, and many more types. Motherfuckers, all of them.

My closest friends, they're all really nice people but they've all also got some glaring character flaws which they mostly admit to. That's real, that's genuine. And that, coupled with whatever else you go through with them, makes for strong, real friendships that last. In contrast, friendships with people who are just nice all the time don't last, cos they're unreal. People might not consciously realize it but I think everyone has that feeling way in the back of their mind that some (usually the majority) of their friendships won't last for much longer than the period where they're in the same class/CCA/whatever.

Me, I just bring that feeling to the forefront of all my social situations. On the one hand, it makes me appear to be a cold, unfeeling sonofabitch, but on the other hand, it ensures that I stay away from the biggest bastards. There's also that grey area some people fall into though, in my mind. People who fall into this category are genuinely nice people who I just can't relate to and therefore can't form a real friendship with. These people, I don't have a single problem with, but there's never going to be much of a relationship here either.

If anyone reads this and finds themselves fitting into the 'dirty, stinkin' liars' category when they think that they haven't actually done anything to reveal their hand, well, hello there! That's right, I've seen through your facade. It might trick many people, and you might think that you're some kind of mastermind, but guess what? You don't really know a goddamn thing, jerkoff.

Cynicsm might reign supreme in my head, but I still try to be nice, or at least only for as much as I need to/think the person I'm talking to is entitled to. I never mean any harm, but allow me to have my prejudices eh?

That's all for now... I do realize that this post has been quite a hodge-podge mess of ideas and thoughts, with next to no organisation, but whatever. The message got across and that's all that really matters in the end.

Cheers mates.

2009-02-20T20:12:00.002+08:00

Well, exams are over.

To be honest I don't feel too great, because the last two papers were pretty fucked up. Accounting and Stats... I don't know man, I studied, but I guess it wasn't enough or something.

At any rate I'm gonna just forget this and enjoy myself for the next 2 months. I'll need a little time to get over the disappointment, but, knowing myself, it'll probably take just a couple of days of pure leisure.

Whatever happens, I hope I manage to maintain at least a 3.0 GPA. I need my Econs to be an A, that'll help quite abit. Hope it all works out then.

Something I realised recently: I've 'promised' (more like talk about) a few friends that I'd catch up with them but haven't got round to doing so. It's not like I was making empty promises either; for some reason or other I just haven't got round to doing so. Sometimes it's fatigue, sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm not in the mood... the list goes on and on.

This weird 'condition' of mine probably accounts for my poor retention of friends. Old friends whom I could, and still can, always talk to, but for one reason or another I've never been all that close to them. In that sense I suppose I take them for granted... That's not nice but it's not like I meant it so I don't feel guilty, per se. Still technically my fault though... so maybe I'll try to correct that during this hols.

I'm pretty worn out at the moment. Don't really know what I need to perk me up, but suffice to say, it's not something a full night's sleep will cure (though that'll help).

2 months of free time ahead of me and I'm feeling so crappy. Funny ol' world ain't it?

2009-02-07T04:48:00.002+08:00

Ho-lee crap. I just slept 9 hours. Nothing too special about that, except that I meant to just take a nap!

I got home yesterday evening, around 6. Dilly-dallied about on the web, before deciding I should get down to studying MOB. Took out all the materials I need, notes and tutorial answers. Felt a little tired so I thought, a little nap will do the trick. Besides, it's Saturday tomorrow so I can afford to study into the night, sleeping late. This was at 7.30pm or so.

And then I wake up and it's 4.30am on Saturday morning. What the fuck, right? Even when I oversleep it's usually only for a couple hours more than I intended. Sure as hell not by 7 hours.

I guess this just shows exactly how much fatigue I've built up recently. The thing about fatigue is, it just keeps building up, and you don't feel it until something sparks it off. It could be something a friend says that normally wouldn't bother you but for some reason you're taking offence this time around, it could be a song you normally don't pay attention to but suddenly it's capturing your full attention, it could be anything. Fatigue is such a bitch.

The worst part of it is, it affects your mood, but not in one fell swoop. If it did in one fell swoop, you'd be more likely to be able to control it. But no, it doesn't. Fatigue is more of a debilitating condition that just pulls you down bit by bit, until one day something lights the blue touch paper and all the built-up stuff explodes.

Maybe that's why I've been so irrational and difficult lately. The sad thing is, there's still two more weeks of worry to come, what with tests and exams. On the bright side I'm actually starting to study MOB early; the paper's on Wed and I managed to (only) read through all the chapters yesterday during my 3-hour break. Now it's time to consolidate it all by doing tutorials and reading through the notes more times.

Hopefully I can finish studying MOB quick. I wouldn't want to spend any time on it in the coming week. I'll be using that to study the other modules.

Well it's 5am now and I'm as awake as a paranoid squirrel who just consumed five cans of Red Bull. Time to get to work.

2009-02-05T22:25:00.002+08:00

Another month-long absence.

I just haven't felt like updating for a long time now, but things have been happening.

I just... don't know. I think I let my mind get caught up in too many things recently. Either that or just a few things but they were heavy things, if you know what I mean. Somehow I let my mind get way too caught up and 'forgot' to take a step back to evaluate things objectively.

I think it's due to that that I've been abit... irrational lately. I apologize to SK and Abby specifically, for being so difficult in recent times. That said, SK, I'm still not wrong man.

I'm going to be 'taking a step away' from myself for a little while, just to look over my decisions and reactions of recent times. I'm sure I haven't made any wrong decisions recently, just that I've reacted badly to the problems I've been facing.

It's just as well I know just how to do this for myself. It's a form of meditation in itself. Just put on some appropriate songs, lie back on the bed, close my eyes and just think. I transcend from my regular, 'everyday-mind' this way, and I become an impartial figure judging my own actions.

I know it all sounds real trippy, but hell, it works for me. Anyway, while I won't be shunning social contact for the next few days, I sure won't be searching for any. I just need to be alone for awhile.

I'm a bigger man than this. I really shouldn't be having such problems. But I still am human, after all.

2009-01-12T23:06:00.002+08:00

Just wondering: why do so many people think it necessary to be 'special' in how they write in their blogs?

By 'special', I mean pretentious. People who speak Chinglish in real life suddenly start attempting to use 'big' words in their blog entries and, more often than not, end up totally misuing them. It's all really quite puzzling.

I wonder if these people realise that, when they try to do such things, they really only make themselves look like fools for trying to be something they clearly are not. It's like a beggar going around saying he's got a million dollars in the bank; no one's convinced, and everybody laughs at him.

Besides the incorrect usage of words, there're also a set of people who try to convey their thoughts and feelings in 'cheem' ways. This includes writing in some really roundabout, self-serving way, just to put across a simple point. Something as simple as 'I didn't have a great day today' can become a strenuous exercise in literature. What's the point?

I suppose that, if you're the kind of person who for some reason needs to update everyday, you'll need 50 ways to describe the most mundane of things. The problem here, though, is that there's no substance at all. You're just decorating the cake with all kinds of icing and wording and stuff, but the cake's tasteless. Is there a point to that? Well, from my personal viewpoint, the answer to that is a resounding 'NO'.

Then again, maybe this is just a little pet peeve of mine and not many more people are bothered/irritated by it. I always search for quality over quantity in whatever I do/experience/buy etc etc, and this is one of them. I realise that I probably come across as some elitist jerkoff in this post, but hey, don't tell me you don't have an irrational pet peeve or two of your own.

Of course, not all people do this, regardless of their standard of English or whether their day was interesting or not. Thankfully, there's a large number who just tell it like it is, to the best of their capabilities. That, my friends, is down-to-earth. That is real. And I'll be damned if I ever go for something that looked nice but wasn't real, rather than for something that may not look so nice but is what it is, no strings attached.

Oh, and if you think I write in a self-serving, trying-to-use-big-words way, I don't. I'm well and truly capable of using every single one of the words I use here in daily conversation. Whether or not I do is purely down to the situation at hand. I just try to make conversations as smooth as possible for all parties involved. There's no point using expressions that the opposite party doesn't understand, and vice versa. That's why I always hope people don't speak in Chinese to me :D

Once again, I'm very much aware that I'm probably putting myself across as an elitist douchbag in this post, but hey, to each his own eh? Everybody's entitled to their own opinions. I'm very open-minded but some little niggly things can tick me off too. Human irrationality again.

Oh well, that's that then. Cheers.

2009-01-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

I 'realised' something today.

You know how I've never really enjoyed my GEMs? How it wasn't the one that I really wanted in the first place, how I'm the only one there and therefore quite bored most of the time, and all that? Well, it actually provides something for me.

The good thing about the module is that it's relatively simple. Most of the things I have to learn are quite straightforward, and even the few calculations that it requires me to do basically just involves common sense. As such, I don't really have to pay attention and should still do fine. This, of course, allows for day-dreaming.

I actually day-dream quite abit; it's probably one of my favourite pastimes. Now, what with always hanging around with Vish or some other guys for most of the day, there really isn't that much time to day-dream, so to speak, as I'm constantly interacting with other people. And of course, the main modules don't allow for that (gotta concentrate).

Going to my GEM, and being alone, is a sort of 'escape'. Normally, if I behave as quietly as I do in GEMs in normal classes, I'd be branded anti-social (which I sorta am, but not bad enough to be classified as such). In this class though, what with the fact that it only happens once a week and most people know only, at most, two other people in the class, it's close to being a class of strangers who don't need to get to know each other. As a result, people tend to keep to themselves.

I spend the class mainly half-listening to the teacher (which is enough; the module really is quite straightforward) and doodling stuff on my notes. It's all, strangely, quite calming. Everyone is minding their own business, no one cares about anyone else, the teacher is droning away (okay, not that bad. She isn't monotonous, it's just that the subject matter can be kinda dry)... It's a very zen atmosphere.

It particularly helps since I'm not exactly in one of the better periods of my life at the moment. I've been feeling off-colour for the past few days now. The weird thing is, I can't pinpoint what it is that's causing this. Maybe it's a culmination of a whole load of factors, both known and unknown. I really don't know.

I find myself living very much for the weekend, which I haven't done since those dark days of upper secondary. Every week almost seems like one huge hurdle to clear before we get to the weekend, then there's another hurdle and another and another until we hit the holidays. In that sense, this term will pass quite fast. Nevertheless, such a mindset doesn't bode well for my studies, as this just means that I go into every piece of work with a 'let's just get this over with quick' mentality. Quality will never come out like this.

But the thing is, school's not the problem. It may be a factor, in terms of the way that it's the main cause of fatigue, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't one of the main reasons for my poor mood nowadays.

Maybe one thing is the complete lack of recognition. I don't know if I'm just over-analysing things again, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not as recognised as I should be, by other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for accolades or anything of the sort. I just feel that people misunderstand me, and those misconceptions can get pretty far off at that too. I'm pretty sure that, if people got to know me better, they'd probably be quite surprised at how much more diverse and 'wide' a person I am, at least compared to their impressions of me.

I've pretty much been a 'sidekick' my whole life, but at the same time that doesn't mean that I don't notice the same things that the main 'hero' does. Maybe I notice more things, even. On the one hand, I'm kinda-sorta satisfied with being a sidekick. There's no pressure to perform and I usually do my best work when the spotlight isn't on me. On the other hand, though, I don't feel like I get the credit that I deserve most of the time. Most times, I feel that, although I'm the 'sidekick', my experiences and skills can be pretty darn close, equal, or maybe even better than the main guy's. But, just cos I'm the sidekick, I don't get the same credit. It can be quite infuriating and disappointing.

I just feel it's unfair. For most of my life, the efforts I've put in have gone largely unnoticed or taken for granted. In the band, for example. I'm sure every section leader had their fair share of problems and hard times, and I don't mean to belittle any one of them's achievements, but I feel like I probably had one of the hardest times of all of them. Tons of problems, of extremely varied natures, and with no one to turn to for help. I don't know for sure, but I felt that my seniors didn't believe in my style of doing things and that any support from them would have been paper-thin, at best. I didn't have anyone else in the same year as me in the section, so I had no one whom I could explain my choices to who would probably understand better (due to maturity issues) than the juniors. I had a couple of friends, Eugene and James, but they each had their own problems to deal with and sometimes, I even found myself in conflict with them over views and ideals.

Suffice to say, I was alone in that fight. A fight of tremendous proportions at that too. Besides the more obligatory celebrations (like POP or band dinner), I'm gonna be frank and say that I never really felt appreciated by my juniors. I can't blame them too much for that, because I was never, and probably never will be, the type of leader who is your best friend, who's close to you and who's there to provide support in EVERYTHING you face in your life. I can't blame them for that, but I think they never understood that this way of doing things was for the best. Thanks to differences in ideals and culture, I could never be their friend. Never. So I just concentrated on the less touchy-feely stuff, the more practical facets of the job.

My rationale was, if I couldn't be a true friend to them, I would not be an enemy either. The bigger picture was ever-present, and though it was painful having to go through my term being misunderstood as 'that dipshit who doesn't care', I think the Gold with Honours speaks for itself.

Anyway the point here is that most of my best work goes unnoticed, unappreciated. I've put in untold amounts of effort into many things, and while it is understandable (sometimes) when I don't get what I deserve for my efforts, it doesn't make things any easier to accept. So when something like this happens, I get caught in between understanding why I won't get what I deserve, and demanding for what's rightfully mine. It's a psychological battle that can tear me apart.

There are probably other factors to my feeling so down nowadays, but this is probably one of the bigger ones. It's just been a build-up over the years. I stepped down from being a leader 1 1/2 years ago, for chrissakes', and I'm only talking about it now. There have been many other smaller yet similar situations, and the build-up just kills me.

-----------------------------------------------

At this particular point in time I feel better after letting these weights off my shoulders. At the same time though, writing it all down here probably won't make a jot of difference when I get back to living my life, so, in a way, this whole post is quite pointless.

Long day tomorrow; first Econs lesson of the term. Haven't done my homework, don't intend to. Hope I got good marks for both Econs and PACC. Too many disappointments already, I need a pick-me-up. Wish me luck.

2009-01-06T00:27:00.003+08:00

Angry and disappointed at everything and nothing all at the same time.

I have every right in the world to gripe about everything, but no right at all at the same time.

Everything is fucked up, nothing is fucked up.

Here and there at the same time.

I just don't know what the fuck.

Motherfucking hell.

2009-01-01T00:07:00.002+08:00

Well then, 2009 is here.

This time last year I was filled with drive and fire, because I really wanted to put my years (two, actually) of mediocrity behind me. I was heading in a totally new direction, one very alien yet full of possibilities at the same time.

As we head into 2009, I'm more mellow. It's been a year of self-confirmation, in a way. I know now, for sure, that I'm intelligent, and the only thing holding me back most of the time is my laziness. I've confirmed many beliefs previously left unsupported. I've overcome yet another mental barrier in recent times, something that, I have to admit, I really didn't see coming at all, mainly because I had set out with one of my main goals being 'a simpler life' after all the mess of secondary school.

So it's just another couple of months and then I'll be finished with my first year of poly. Time flies. Can remember when I first got Ventrilo and started making a couple of new friends in Ying Wei and Vishal. I remember thinking Vishal was a dark-skinned Indian, something quite the opposite of what he is in real life. I remember all the times I went out with Boon, the semi-regular (once every hols) meet-ups with Shi Kai and Abby, and a whole load of other stuff.

2008 really went by quite quickly for me. Maybe that's partially due to the fact that I spent a quarter of it doing fuck all (the first three months of the year was hols for us poly-joining people), but it sure seemed to go by fast.

I end it with a much more stable life (albeit probably more boring), surrounded by few but extremely reliable friends. A year past and the choices I've made haven't been wrong. Confidence is at an all-time high; things have happened which have challenged me mentally but I've come through them scarred but not beaten.

2009 will be another year of change, I think. A quarter of the way in and I'll be in a class where I probably won't know most everybody. That's the only thing I can think of at the moment, but life is highly unpredictable, as the past month or two has shown me, so just about anything can happen.

Here's hoping there's substantially more good stuff than bad stuff then. Cheers everybody, and have a good year ahead :)

2008-12-25T15:16:00.002+08:00

Led Zeppelin - Over The Hills And Far Away

Hey lady - you've got the love I need
Maybe, more than enough
Oh darling darling darling, walk a while with me
Oh you've got so much... So much... So much...

Many times I've loved - And many times been bitten
Many times I've gazed along the open road

Many times I've lied - Many times I've listened
Many times I've wondered how much there is to know

Many dreams come true and some have silver linings
I live for my dream and a pocketful of gold

Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road

Many is a word that only leaves you guessing
Guessing 'bout a thing you really ought to know, ooh!
You really ought to know...
I really ought to know...

---------------------------------

With this, I close the book on this chapter in my life. Thoroughly unsatisfactory ending, in many ways, but it feels good to know.

I come away more confident in myself than I was before. I was confident to begin with, so this is really saying something.

By the way, take the meaning of the song as a whole. Anyone who takes only the first verse and thinks that's what the whole song is talking about... Sorry, but you just failed in comprehension.

Zen.

2008-12-20T22:26:00.003+08:00

It feels good being myself again.

I spent today just the way I like to spend my holidays: Waking up late, playing video games, then spending the last four hours (as of now) watching movies on HBO.

It feels good going back to this 'routine' which is so fundamentally simple (and also quite sad hahaha) yet at the same time well able to satisfy just about all my desires. Helps that those two movies I saw weren't bad. Good Luck Chuck is only so-so, Dane Cook's acting was seriously crap. It's an okay movie to watch if you weren't expecting much at all in the first place. Also, Jessica Alba! =D

The other movie though, was seriously good. Hot Fuzz. It's the only movie I've ever watched that has been able to be both funny and serious simultaneously. Of course, I've seen my fair share of comedies which have their more serious/touching moments interspersed between the jokes, but Hot Fuzz somehow manages to do both really at the same time. What's more, it's really funny, in all sorts of ways. You just can't beat the Brits for comedy.

Well, into more practical matters now. I've been having a topsy turvy past few weeks due to a reason that only three people know, and now I'm at the finish line of this crazy journey. Everything's fucked up, it can be said, but at the same time, in the middle of all this, I feel amazingly zen. It's like standing on the rubble of a city destroyed by a nuclear bomb or something, with you being the only survivor. Everything around you is fucked beyond hope, but you feel very much at peace with yourself, despite it all.

(Given of course you didn't lose any loved ones in the blast. Horrible metaphor/example up there, I know. Hey, I can't do good all the time, alright? =D)

For managing to arrive at this supremely zen scenario, I really have to thank those three aforementioned people. Let's start with Shi Kai:

I'm sure you didn't know how else to respond to all the stuff I told you was happening to me besides with a 'holy shit', but that's fine man. Thanks for hanging around and keeping the mood light, that's one thing you've always excelled at. You're still the one person who kept me sane in upper sec, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. Cheers mate!

Now, Boon Wei. You're kinda like Shi Kai in the sense that you didn't know exactly how you could help me, but I really appreciate you trying your best anyway. You help me keep being me, so to speak, with all the similarities that have made us such long-time pals. All the cynicism and all that, yet sprinkled with a willingness to live life to the fullest. 10 years and counting old pal :)

Finally, the one person who's helped the most, Abygail. Our friendship is seriously weird, as you've mentioned before. Hardly talking in primary school, we hit it off afterwards when we went to secondary school, even though you were still in the East and I had gone to Bishan. Think about it, we've been sharing problems and helping each other for 5 years now. And you certainly came through once again this time around, starting from the 'simpler' stuff all the way through to the convulated conclusion. Even though things don't seem like they ended on a very good note, I can still glean alot of positives from the experience, most of which were taught by you haha. Thanks alot!!

As for me now, I really hope that this is the end of this saga. I have a feeling that it isn't, but even if that's the case, with such friends helping me along, I can't go wrong =D

Thanks again guys. Really, really, thanks :)

2008-12-19T02:07:00.002+08:00

Yes or no?
Black or white?
Neither;
It is all grey

Disappointment and sadness:
By-products of the over-active mind
Try to turn
But it turns as well

Baseless it may yet be
But that we will have to wait and see
Hoping for a mistake, hoping for a flaw
Something which is very much against my usual law

Nevertheless, bow down I shall not
I can't, I shan't, I will not
I have to, I must and I will fight
It is beyond me to say 'nein, nein'

Out into the unknown
Where countless dangers lurk
Yet it will be only the treasures
That occupy my mind's eye

Mine not to make reply
Mine not to reason why
Mine but to do or die

Into this valley of uncertainty
Rides this sole horseman
His fate unknown to all
But he must answer destiny's call

---------------------------------------------------

I just... came up with this within 15 minutes. It's probably rubbish to the more discerning poem fans out there, I don't know. I just felt the need to put this down.

In case you were wondering, yes, that last part is helped along by Alfred, Lord Tennyson's 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade'. I thereby give credit where credit is due, heh.

It's the first poem I've ever written, and I reiterate that I'm well aware that it's probably rubbish. I don't know how to really 'judge' a poem though, so I'm really just stumbling around in the dark. Any constructive criticism would be well appreciated. Not that I'm actually all that interested in poetry, but it would be another interesting thing to learn after all.

A-M, O.

2008-12-17T23:41:00.002+08:00

I saw someone's MSN pm which went 'Si bei troubled now' and this lit up a spark in my mind, as in for something to blog on.

This guy whose pm I saw is the same age as me, which got me thinking: why do we always 'search' for ways to be miserable?

Of course, that question in itself is really general. I know of at least one person who always seems to be in a good mood. Still though, this person also 'searches' for misery, just maybe not so much.

I mean, think about it. Let's talk about the more practical worries for now. When we grow up, we'll have tons of things to worry about. Work, bills, various kinds of loans, family if you start one... the list goes on and on. And those are the more practical kind of worries; they're the kind that it's your 'duty' to worry about.

These problems are inevitable in a normal human being's adult life. They are things we should all, at least at the back of our minds, be kinda-sorta mentally prepared for. Unless you become a hermit or something, you'll have to face at least one of them in some way or other. And then we come to the 'impractical' problems.

What do I mean by 'impractical' problems, you ask. Well, they're problems which can actually be avoided as it isn't exactly 'necessary' or 'compulsory' for one to face them in the course of one's life. Good example of such a problem is to hang onto someone whom you like but who doesn't reciprocate the feelings. From a very logical standpoint, the super-obvious solution is to forget the person (at least romantically), right? Well, things just don't play out like that in practice (unless you find it easy to let go, in which case maybe your feelings weren't that strong to begin with).

It's yet another very human thing I wonder about sometimes. I partake in this particular irrationality too, myself. What is it that keeps people going despite the obvious misery that comes with it?

Hope, maybe? Personally I think that's it. Or maybe it's too many drama serials about undying love haha. Who knows, really?

(Please note that I DO believe in such a thing as undying love. It's just that, in real life, it doesn't seem to happen THAT often, or that easily.)

Hope. Something that is very much 'out there', something that's totally intangible (in my opinion, one of the most intangible), and yet at the same time something that can keep us going in the most trying of times/circumstances. It's fundamentally stupid, really, but at the same time it's just about the most beautiful thing we can experience.

It's another one of those human phenomenons that I'm interested in, but unlike most of the others, this isn't one that I'd want to look too much into, simply because it's one of the few good things we can have in this existence that doesn't have any catches and/or side-effects attached to it, heh.

We all need a little hope.

=)

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Sometimes I wonder if I come across sounding like a total idiot when I point out these little things in life that we tend to not think about, because we either have more important things to think about or we think we know them well enough. I wonder if I sound like an alien who just came to Earth and is totally overwhelmed by all these little facets of human existence. At any rate though, I like pointing them out and fleshing them out as much as I can, just because I don't think judging these things from a (very very very) logical standpoint occurs very much. I try, above all else, to give you food for thought. I hope I've succeeded more times than I've failed, heh.

Well, there isn't much else to say for now. I've spoken about hope in this post. And that's what I do alot of nowadays.

Here's hoping for... something that I shan't tell you guys =P

Cheers.