Hey! ... Shut up!

2011-01-30T18:47:00.002+08:00

Holy crap, has it been so long since I last posted already?

The last post was at the end of my third week at work. Now I'm sitting here typing this on the eve of the first of the last four weeks of my attachment. 18 more days, to be exact, since this coming week is only three days long, what with Chinese New Year.

I have to say, although the job is hella boring and tedious, I really have got to be grateful for my placement. Nice supervisors, a fellow intern I can chit chat with even if we're different enough to not be able to be super-best-of-friends, nice colleagues (the few who speak to us interns), easy (albeit tedious) work... I didn't exactly hit the lottery but I sure got one of the consolation prizes, I feel.

In other news, having not run since the middle of December, my condition has gone to hell and frankly I don't think I'll have the time or energy to get it back till my attachment is over. I'm not kidding when I say that every evening when I get home, I can just take a shower and fall asleep, it's that tiring. In fact I've done that a couple of times already. That said, I really got to get my conditioning back. Four more weeks, then I'll start jogging again. Got to remind myself to ease myself back into it though. I'm not gonna be doing 6km+ in under an hour just yet.

Hm, what else. PES B1 for my NS medical checkup, sort of expected. Not happy or disappointed, it is what it is. Still can't pass NAPFA, a bit sian about that but whatever, I'll let the army do its magic on me. The weight loss was just my own initial effort. I hope I come out two years later looking and feeling much better physically. Also got to start thinking about my future. Kinda scary to not have any plans...

Well, till next time then. I'm just grateful for things nowadays. One little hurdle left before I can leave this all behind for good, or at least I hope I can. Wish me luck!

2010-12-24T22:13:00.002+08:00

Well, 3 weeks of the attachment down. 9 more to go. Not that it's so bad that I have to count down, but... yeah.

It's been a rough week. Not work-wise, there's nothing too much happening there. Personal matters... sigh.

I don't know how to put this out here. I'm just really sad and disappointed. That said, I've experienced worse, in a way. So this time it feels horrible but not that bad at the same time. It's quite confusing, really. Sometimes my brain concentrates on the obvious sadness of being rejected (again...) and I feel like shit, other times it concentrates on the fact that this time things didn't completely, utterly blow up so it's not THAT horrible and I feel... blank.

Problems, problems, problems.

Anyway, it's Christmas. Forgive me for being a little sour about it. To me the whole warm image of being with loved ones that Christmas perpetuates just makes me feel a little worse about my loneliness. Not that I have anything against anyone who's enjoying themselves and completely in the spirit of things; I just reserve the right to be sour on my own.

At any rate, Merry Christmas to anyone who reads this. I hope you're having a better one than I am :)

2010-12-10T23:15:00.004+08:00

Well that's my first ever week of work life over with then.

It's been somewhat uneventful. Nothing too great and nothing too bad either. I wouldn't mind if the rest of the 3 months were like this. Just been doing some admin stuff, stuff that's really tedious and takes a long time but is fundamentally simple. Could be worse, that's what I think.

I'm actually quite afraid I might put on lots of weight during this attachment period though. All day just sitting in an office, the only break being lunch of course (meaning break = calories piled on). It doesn't help that, for some reason, even though I've been skipping lunch for years, nowadays I feel really hungry come 12 pm. Even ate $5 worth of yong tau foo on Wednesday zzz.

Quite tired right now, but kinda energized by the fact that I've got my weekend ahead of me. That feeling never gets old. I wonder when's the next time I can play bball though. Maybe only when Tommy comes back. And even then other people might not be free. Ah well.

Oh, almost forgot! There's a really cute and well-behaved golden retriever who comes around to Valley Point (where I'm working) every Tuesday and Thursday. He's seriously big and cute. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just so cool to have something like him around. One of the little interesting tidbits I can look back on when I'm done with my 3 months.

His name's Puffy! He's got a Facebook page too hahah. Search 'puffy de vp' if you're interested.

Anyway that's it for now I guess. Here's hoping stuff works out well for me :)

2010-12-04T08:16:00.002+08:00

What a horrible few days.

It's all come crashing down all around me and frankly, I don't know. I just don't know.

I am so pissed at myself but also not at the same time because this thing is another one of those things I can't blame myself for fully, neither can I blame anything/anyone else. All it leaves me in is a confused, troubled, frustrated, unhappy wreck.

I've still got so much on my plate. Still got to write my cover letter. Still got to figure out how to get to and from the Standard Chartered run tomorrow. Still got to figure out how to get to and from my workplace, and how long the journeys would take.

There's still the NVP presentation in about 3-4 hours' time. I hope that goes smoothly.

I just don't have it in me anymore. All the betrayal and blind siding that's happened to me over the past 1 1/2 years has broken me. The initial difficulties are obvious but no one knows what the aftermath feels like. I don't know about other people but for me, I don't know how to get over it. I'm just so cautious and high-strung right now regarding such things, and I wish I weren't, but I don't know if I can afford not to be, because I'm scared. I'm terrified of being bludgeoned with the same weapon again. I'm something I don't want to be but I. Can't. Do. A. Damn. Thing. About. It.

I want to love you. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing that all on my own. I need your reciprocation. But then again, in a Catch-22-esque way, I need to earn your reciprocation, but I can't because I'm in such a state. I can only love you if you love me, but I can't love you because you won't love me till I love you.

Oh for everything to just have a freakin' happy ending...

2010-11-28T21:21:00.008+08:00

It's been an interesting week.

Although it was the last week of school, it totally didn't even feel like a school week. For one, I had a three-day week instead of the usual four days because there was no PM lecture and no NVP lesson on Monday. So with just three days of school things seemed to zip by pretty quick.

Secondly, coming off the happiness of last Saturday, of which the 'residue' was still very much surrounding me, and because there was an outing planned with the same people (Qing, Tommy and Eugene) on Friday, this last week felt more like a getaway than what it was, still another school week.

So, since I'm sure no one wants to hear about the drudgery that is my school life and I myself have no intention to re-live any of it, let's cut straight to Friday. First though, some notes:

From Wednesday evening through to Friday morning I had been feeling rather vexed. Coincidentally, so was Qing, over similar problems. So on Friday I was just wanting to meet friends and forget about troubles for awhile (which is what I recommended to Qing too). I coincidentally met her on the bus, and we just talked out our respective troubles a bit on the way to Serangoon MRT.

Met the dudes and from there proceeded to Sentosa. As Eugene later opined, the four of us seemed a rather odd group to be heading to Sentosa, but once again I think the feeling of old friendship and camaraderie made its presence felt and all felt right.

I don't quite know what it is about this particular foursome that seems so 'correct'. The way we just play off each other is so well-balanced and perfect. All of us have something to say to any one other person in the group, as well as to the group in general. No matter what kind of relationship pairing you try to draw (whether me-Qing, Tommy-Qing, Tommy-Eugene-me, me-Qing-Eugene, etc etc.), we all have stuff to talk about. Not just superficial stuff either. Well okay, some of it was superficial, but the vibe is really just... special.

Anyway, we headed to the beach first. We didn't really do much there, just kinda waded around the water a teeny bit before just sitting at the water's edge and gossiping and joking around. It's the kind of stuff that, when one looks back on it(like I'm doing now), sounds so -nothing- but at the time just felt so nice.

From there we decided to go check out Universal Studios. Not the inside of course, just the area in front of it, the shops surrounding the signature globe. Tommy's wonderland, in other words, because of all the candy shops :D We didn't get anything, but the selection and all the colours and the packaging of most of the stuff just felt so cute/cool/enticing/alive/happy (pick your adjective). It was fun to simply browse.

Tried Reese's Pieces for the first time (though I've always been aware of it) and it really is good. Neither the chocolate nor peanut butter is too overpowering, they play off each other really well.

From there we headed to the Hard Rock Hotel. Initially we had intended to dine at a restaurant located in the hotel as Tommy had a voucher/coupon for the place, but after lounging around in the hotel lobby (which looks really cool, black all over the place and strategic lighting to make it look real cosy yet exclusive at the same time) and thinking of other options, we decided to head to The Heeren to have a Japanese buffet at a place called Kiseki.

We passed by my future place of work while on the bus to Orchard. Valley Point looks like such a quiet and out-of-the-way shopping mall. It almost looks sad, hahaha. Still got to figure out how I'm gonna haul my butt there every morning for three months starting 6 Dec.

We also discussed the possibility of having an overseas trip sometime next May. I'm not gonna put too much hope into it just yet, not after the way the last trip we were planning came to nothing in the end. Of course I'd be delighted to go overseas with these pals, but I think I'd better not think about it too much and build it up too much lest something crops up and blows it all up.

Anyway, we got to The Heeren about 15 minutes before dinner was to start. Made some small talk until it opened up. One of the staff really looked like the old band teacher Ms Seah. Even her mannerisms were similar hahah.

The first 10-15 minutes of dinner was really rather quiet. Why? We were all too damn hungry to talk HAHA. The spread isn't half-bad, and given the chance I'd definitely go back there again. We just enthused about the food for the early part of dinner, before switching topics to the likelihood and possible make up of the next alumni band. Made some jokes and enjoyed the food, just more good vibes all round :)

Late and post-dinner conversation revolved around whether we were gonna head to Yu Qing's/Eugene's/my place for Monopoly Deal and chilling or not. It all hinged on Eugene, cos he also had another group of pals to meet for mahjong. We took the MRT all the way to Braddell before he made his decision, which was to abandon us =( hahaha. Oh well, we went our seperate ways at Bishan MRT, save for Qing and I since we live on the same street.

Walked back with her discussing our problems again, before separating after she got to her block. Went back feeling somewhat unfulfilled... cos I had been hoping for another late night session of Monopoly Deal and chit chat, but oh well. It's the last we're seeing of Tommy for another month-plus too, he just flew off to the UK today with his family for a holiday, so it kinda felt like a shame. Eugene ditching us turned into a blessing for me in the end though!

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Walked back home feeling slightly dissatisfied but still telling myself to be grateful that I had had the opportunity to have a nice day out with good pals. 'Better than rotting at home,' I told myself. 'Stop taking things for granted Winston; you've been through real bad times, you know this is already a very happy day.' With that I entered my home and set about dealing with the dirty laundry and so on.

Headed up to my room and just did my usual Facebook stuff, checking on my games and then just 'wasting' time, though in reality it really was more of a 'debriefing' kind of thing for me. I do things like that. Basically just getting acclimatised and relaxed with being home and on my own again.

It had been a fun day, though of course tiring. I was ready for a nice warm shower and turning in early, buoyed by the good vibes I'd been enjoying all day long... Then you talked to me on MSN :D

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I haven't felt so happy for the longest time. I can't remember the last time I was as happy.

Funny how the simplest of things can affect one so much, huh. At any rate I'm gonna take things slow... As things stand I'm already taking risks I normally would never take. I'm a seriously risk-averse guy, but... I think for you, I'm willing to put my heart out on the line :)

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Well, tough week ahead. I hope I'm prepared well enough for tomorrow's FT paper. Don't really know what to study for this subject, it being taught the way it is. I just concentrated on all the calculations and some stuff I marked with ticks and stars. Hopefully, really hopefully, that's enough. Heading to school early to do more revision.

What a crazy week it's gonna be. Hopefully things all work out well; for both papers as well as for my NAPFA and my FYP presentation. I really want/need to finish off poly strongly.

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And hopefully you'll keep making my life special... :)

2010-11-21T16:58:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was one of the happiest days I've had for a looooong time.

Besides the usual gym session in the morning which usually manages to make me feel better simply by getting me going physically (which helps to clear the mind, at least for me), there was also AMKSS' Passing Out Parade.

At first it looked like it was gonna fizzle out. Cos I had been hoping for all the alumni of my section to come back and we could go have a mini section outing, just us old fogeys. Basically, the 2007 GWH veterans plus Yu Qing. I really miss them... But anyway that plan was shot down soon enough as Clara had to leave early anyway, for her piano lesson, and Rui Shan couldn't come. So while I had been optimistic a few days prior to yesterday, by the day itself I was kinda 'meh' about going.

Nevertheless, figured that I didn't have anything much better to do anyway so I might as well go and try to enjoy myself. After all, the old guys were going for sure. But things turned out much better. Yu Qing had been hesitating about going at first but decided to go in the end, and I spent most of the time with her and Clara, watching the parade and then just mingling with all the old faces like Hazmei and Brandon. Went up to the band room to check out the new additions; new doors and carpeting. Things have really changed since my time...

So after all was said and done we decided to go for dinner, Yu Qing, Tommy, Eugene and I. Li Ting, Danhui and Shu Yi also went with us to Pizza Hut but for the most part it was 'separated' into these two groups of people talking amongst themselves, if you get what I mean.

Dinner was a cheerful affair, laughs were had and I think we were really just enjoying the company of old friends. It's an unspoken and frankly somewhat indescribable emotion, being so comfortable and happy simply by being with friends from a 'past life', when things weren't so complicated and things were more 'real', when you didn't have to second guess everything someone said or did, when things were more black and white instead of so many shades of grey.

After dinner Tommy, Eugene and I decided to head to Yu Qing's house to chill out. So many years of knowing Yu Qing and I had never been to her place before yesterday. Anyway we spent the bulk of the time learning/playing Monopoly Deal. Eugene had a deck with him and taught the three of us how to play. We played four games and I won one of them. Tommy seemed the most blur of all of us and yet he won the other three games. Sly fox Tom Toms :D

After that we just spent the rest of the time chatting about old times and some potential future plans. Once again the things we talked about don't sound particularly interesting or whatever when put down in words like I'm doing now but, for me at least, there was a very happy vibe between all four of us.

Old friends from days gone by... friendships that have been put on the backburner due to more immediate worries... and yet when we come together again everything still feels so right. It really is one of the best feelings one can ever experience. Maybe because it's such a comforting, reassuring emotion.

Band has really given me so much.

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Of course... YOU played an important part in making yesterday so amazing for me too... :)

2010-11-19T20:52:00.003+08:00

Today was the first day in ages I got some proper sleep in, although in a weird way. Woke up at 7-ish cos that's how I'm 'programmed', went back to sleep after using the loo. Woke up at 10 or so and got up to eat and watch TV. Went to sleep again at around 1 or 2. Then woke up around 4 or 5 and been up since.

Yea I know it's totally lazy and slothful but with the perpetual lack of sleep nowadays I think I can be forgiven for choosing to be a total pig for the occasional day.

It's also the first time I've really had time to think about things. Given that I already always think a lot about a lot of things, this means that today I thought more than usual. Didn't come to any satisfactory conclusions about anything, and the main thing bugging me nowadays remains as persistent as ever. I suppose there just simply isn't any real solution to it.

Well, I don't really have much else to say for now. I just don't seem to have much to put down in words nowadays, especially compared to the archived posts on this blog. I don't really know why that is. Maybe I'm just tired and weary with life. There's just no more spark. I appreciate hanging out with friends and all, and I'm not trying to downplay their importance in my life, but I just don't have that much of a zest for things anymore I guess. Don't have anything that really gives my life true meaning right now.

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Can good things just fall in my lap for once?
I'm just tired of fighting
I deserve much better than this
So can good things just fall in my lap for once?

2010-11-05T18:25:00.002+08:00

Finally contented and relaxed enough to post.

Things have been awful for me recently, and that's a severe understatement. At one point of time it just felt like one blow after another, and to be frank it still feels like I can't win. Best I can hope for is grinding out a bloody draw.

But, I'm not here to talk about sad things. Today's Deepavali, and we finally managed to have a game of basketball again! I think it's been over a month since the last time we played. Maybe that explains why I ran and played harder than I have in some time. Really pleased with my efforts, especially on the defensive end. I think I played solid defense on my assignments, altering shots and causing misses like nobody's business. No disrespect to them of course, I'm just pleased with my performance. Managed to also get 3 blocks and got a hand to another shot which diverted it from the desired path (not sure if that counts as a block). Coupled with a decent offensive showing, with most of my baskets coming in and around the paint area with just two or three jumpers thrown in, I'm well pleased with what I managed to do out there on the court today.

Had a simple, quick lunch with Eugene afterward, and it was just nice in general to be spending time with old friends again. We were supposed to meet for dinner, but it had to be called off in the end due to last minute disruptions. It's a shame, I was all ready to have a good dinner with the guys. Hopefully the next opportunity comes by soon.

I tweaked my ring finger on my right hand while playing ball and it's a little swollen around the joint now. Can't bend it much and it just feels bloated (which it is), but I've had this particular injury numerous times before and it'll go away after a few days (I hope), so it's not much to worry about.

Well, three more weeks of school, and then some papers and presentations. Here's hoping everything works out smoothly for me.

2010-10-13T23:16:00.002+08:00

School starting soon, and NVP completely untouched I believe.

I'm starting to freak out.

In other matters, I don't know and I don't think I wanna know. I'm not gonna think too much; whatever happens, happens. Quite tired of how I think and think and think about things that won't be solved by thinking about them. So I guess this is a first step I'm taking in just letting things go with the flow, and whatever life gives me, I'll take it in my stride.

I'm gonna have to adopt such a mindset towards many other things as well, but those will happen in due time. For now, I'm just treading water, glad for the simple fact that I'm not drowning.

Always have to remind myself that some things just simply can't be helped. Can't keep beating myself up over such things.

Forward ho! Hopefully everything works out to my advantage in some way.

2010-09-26T00:54:00.002+08:00

It helped, being out today.

I know all I need is a fresh start, and that'll come with time, regardless of what form it comes in. Till then, I mustn't allow myself to lurch in either direction (referring back to me requiring balance).

It's actually tougher than it would seem. Sitting on the fence certainly sounds and looks easier than having to take a stand, doesn't it? But you have to realize that, for some things, sitting on the fence opens you to attack from BOTH sides instead of just one. Also, sitting on fences isn't exactly very healthy to the groin region =)

I am still a human being, and human beings are inherently and inevitably flawed, so I suppose all I ask for now is that people judge me as such, instead of some robot who's capable of being logically correct all the time. I can be emotional too, and like all humans am well and truly capable of bias. So, cut me some slack huh? Please.

My mind still needs more opening, and reminders of past failures will keep driving me. But it's important for me to differentiate between failures I could've prevented and failures which occurred beyond my control, and be able to move on from the latter. 'Once bitten, twice shy' has defined my life for a tad bit too long now, and the next time I can take a step forward, I will.

Release.

2010-09-24T22:59:00.003+08:00

The immediate reaction was horrifying, to me.

Am I a bigot? Have I let this become bigger than it is? Am I subconsciously putting myself into a position to be a martyr?

This is inexcusable behaviour. It would be a real body blow to find out I've been championing a wrong cause, and not for the first time either.

Christ, do I hate myself.

I am intolerable and insufferable. I need a complete rewiring.

Unacceptable. Completely UNACCEPTABLE.

UNACCEPTABLE.

2010-09-13T20:09:00.003+08:00

I really should be continuing to study now... still got 5 tutorials to go before I complete the syllabus and that's not even counting revision. But I just felt like I needed a break.

I'm so super tired right now. Partially cos I had a run just now (just 4km but the sun was pretty damn hot) and partially due to the studying. FIA is not cool to study for man zzz. It just feels more complicated than EA, plus I think the Last-Paper Syndrome is in effect. Super no mood to continue studying even though I know I must.

There's been a lot of dissatisfaction lately, and I suppose there's no real chance to escape all this until I get to the next stage of my life. As the years go by, things keep changing. Even things you once thought were cast in stone can change. This swings both ways; good things can become bad or, at least, not as good as you remember them, but some things you thought wouldn't improve can become nice surprises.

Both have happened/are happening to me in recent times, and it is a rather funny feeling to have to adjust to changes to things I thought really couldn't and wouldn't change. Of course, when the good things deteriorate there's an immense feeling of anger and frustration, which has been the case for me.

I've changed too, I suppose. I really don't know what I am now, you know? In some ways I haven't changed a bit, in others I seem like a completely different person. Maybe some of my anger and frustration should be re-directed to myself. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier to take.

I've blamed myself for so many things over the years I think I've emotionally crippled myself. I've made some mistakes I can't forgive myself for, though for my emotional health's sake I probably should, and other things have happened that sometimes I take some or a lot of responsibility for even though I didn't have to. I don't know, I unwittingly sacrifice myself a lot.

Of course it doesn't show much, because most of this self-hurt is internal and sometimes I don't even realize it until I start 'hemorrhaging' inside, but it's very real. Sometimes I mind things to an extent I don't realize, and when something small happens I suddenly seem to be making mountains out of molehills when in actuality, it's more of the small thing being the straw that breaks the camel's back than being something I actually really mind.

Some of the barriers I face nowadays, I put up myself before, when I was more foolhardy, more brash. I actually don't really mind paying the price for my own mistakes, but my problem is I don't know where to stop. I don't know exactly how much I should take responsibility for, and more often than not I end up overloading myself.

I'm tired, very tired. I hope after the paper tomorrow I can just let my mind vegetate for awhile, just let it unwind and try not to think too much.

Back to studying then.

Where did the old me go?
Are these changes for the better or are they actually destroying me?
I'd love a mentor right now. Someone who's been where I've been, and knows how to get out of it alive and still very much kicking.
But where the hell does one find someone like that?
Probably too much to ask anyway.

I will very likely be the death of me.

2010-09-02T22:00:00.002+08:00

I think I need to keep in mind that this is still MY journey, and mine alone.

It's complicated, for me anyway, when deciding if I should let someone else's path intersect with mine. First, there's the fact that I'm naturally a rather selective person when it comes to friends (though I still do my best to be polite and friendly to everyone), and after that I still have to think about exactly how much of my journey they will travel with me.

There have been a few who have walked with me for most of the journey so far. Shi Kai, for example, has been pretty much a constant since secondary one. But given differing routes, different lifestyles, different friends and different activities, not many others have been able to accompany me throughout.

I'm really, really glad that despite the vastly different roads we're on, some friends are still within sight. It's like they're on the opposite side of the highway or something; totally different direction, but still I can actually see them. People like Yu Qing, for example, who incidentally seems to be able to read me like a book sometimes, especially in matters of the heart. It's uncanny, really.

Then there's the biggest new addition, Clara. First knew her back when I was sec two when she joined the band, of course, and I always appreciated her presence in the section because she was the only ever-present, rock-solid junior of the ones I had to take care of when I took over. Everyone else did something or other to make me want to tear my hair out at some point of time in my 1 1/2+ years as SL.

Somehow she gets me and has been a real pillar of reliability over the past half a year+. Funny how we never really got to know each other before. Life can surprise you even with familiar people and things, I guess.

Anyway this brings me back to me having to concentrate on the fact that, even though there'll be people who will cross my path, and the closer ones among them probably even accompanying me like some party member in an RPG, this is still my journey. I'm slowly dealing with making the choice to walk away from someone who shook my heart (which is incredibly difficult), and it's not been easy, though it certainly has been less topsy-turvy nowadays as compared to, say, two weeks ago.

Looking at what I know of her own path, I don't think it could work out. Either I'd have to completely change my route, or she'd have to, and I can't accept either of those choices. I want to live my life as I want to, and want everyone to have the right to, so I'd never change that drastically and neither can I bring myself to make her, or anyone for that matter, change that much.

I toy with the idea of just being friends, which I suppose would be the mature thing to do. Yet I also think that that could just be an invitation to more hurt. Net result: lots of hesitating and basically getting nothing done.

I haven't spoken to her for some time now. In reality it hasn't been THAT long, but it feels somewhat longer in my head. Sometimes I feel like picking up my phone and finally just shooting off a message her way, other times I think it wouldn't be worth the trouble.

I still hesitate. Maybe I just need to keep on my path until I can no longer see her, or even a silhouette of her, when I turn around.

The journey I choose to undertake is a lonely one. I need to learn to accept that there are inevitably going to be times where I wish I'd chosen a different path. I must take the bad with the good. I must remember that with me, it will always be about balance.

Balance.

2010-08-20T21:49:00.002+08:00

I was looking through my old entries on this blog late last night, starting from my POP in 2007 till about Jan/Feb 2008 and I really found myself traveling back in time.

Reading about things like football sessions with the old band pals, studying for the O levels, my expectations on how I'd do on my tests/exams and other such things that once were such big things of my life, even perhaps BEING my life back then, just really transported me back to those years. No kidding, I really felt like I was 16 again for awhile.

It was a weird feeling, because those old memories are both good and bad. Good because they were simpler times; I was more sure and steadfast in my opinions and actions, and there were so many fewer shades of grey and heck, some things seemed just black and white back then. Things just seemed so much easier to understand back then. It was so much easier to take a stand on one side of the fence and stick with it.

On the flip side, I saw how naive and headstrong I was back then. While it definitely feels nice to be able to take a stand and stick by it, I'm amazed at how easily I disregarded the opposite opinion back then. I thought I knew everything I needed to know back then; obviously that wasn't the case.

So it was a matter of reading what I wrote and feeling both good and bad about the same exact words, at the same exact time. It's a very weird feeling, one that in itself isn't good or bad. There was just a sort of tingling sensation somewhere in my head.

This added on to the fact that 1) it was late and 2) that I am still slowly picking myself up and walking away from the issue I mentioned in the previous post. It left me feeling very... I don't know. I'd say introspective but that wasn't the entirety of it so I can't really use that word. That said, after I stopped reading, I went to lie on my bed and think about all I had been before, all that I am now, and what I might be in the future.

I thought about the old times, about the times when all I concerned myself with was my studies and the band. I thought about my current situation, still in the midst (though nearing the end) of my poly education and still obviously affected by that aforementioned problem. I thought about how things could maybe become better in the future, for example meeting that special someone on my internship, hahah.

Yeah, I know that's probably a pipe dream but I'm not the most optimistic of people and thinking things like these at least bring a smile to my face, if not as a result of genuine hope and optimism, then at least because I was amused at my own imagination.

I went to sleep and had a funny dream. For some unknown reason my Dad was living/working/something in, of all places, NORTH KOREA, and my brother and I went over to visit him. Funnily though, it wasn't like all military and communist and strict and whatnot, it was just normal, though I remember joking with my brother about some of their propaganda which was seriously funny.

Then, and I'm not sure if this was also in North Korea or whether it was a different setting (my dreams tend to jump here and there), I went with my brother to some office where my girlfriend (no one in particular, just some generically-sweet-looking girl my brain thought up) worked. Think it was just a courtesy call or something. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about girls at the moment, hah.

Today was lazy. Spent the whole day at home because basketball was canceled due to lack of numbers. Luckily SK came over for some gaming. I'd be bored out of my pants if he hadn't turned up.

Well, that's it for now. I still am quite intrigued by the odd feeling I felt last night. It seemed... comfortably numb, something like that. Heh, weird stuff.

2010-08-19T20:58:00.002+08:00

I am everything you could ever want, but it will never be;
Unless you are willing to change that much, but I could never do that to thee.

Well, that's that then. I'm moving on. I just hope I don't have to make such hard decisions again if I do meet another one who moves me in such a way.

It's uncanny, really. Two in a freakin' row. I don't know what to think.

But I'm moving on. All I'll think of now is my exercise, my studies and my leisure time.

It's hard to move on. I mood-swung for something like 3 or 4 whole days, and I really do mean whole days, since I don't have school to busy me now that I'm in the holidays. To all who've helped me in one or another, thanks. This isn't going to work out though.

So I now continue on this journey of self-discovery we call life. That's how I see things anyway; life is one long journey, the destination being self-realization and enlightenment as to where one stands in his or her life. Some people's journeys are longer than others, some people's destinations are fancier than others, but it all boils down to the same thing in the end.

I'm only 19, but I feel I've logged a high mileage already. Still lots more ahead of me, and to be frank I don't know what to expect. In some ways I'm weary already, for I feel that I've traveled more than a 19 year old should have. Faced many more obstacles than the average 19 year old. But although I am tired and can be a little bitter about the fact, it's also a fact that all this just means that I know myself better, earlier, than others. I like that.

It's a personal satisfaction kind of thing. This kind of experience doesn't really have a physical manifestation, though maybe I do give off a more weary, well-traveled air than most of my peers. That said, it's probably only possible to see that by talking to me and/or getting to know me.

2 more years? Hopefully it won't take that long for the next girl to walk into my life, and hopefully the only thing I'll need to worry about then is how to woo her and nothing else.

So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road

2010-08-17T00:32:00.000+08:00

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

I keep walking.

2010-08-14T12:14:00.002+08:00

Didn't shoot quite so well last night, but made up for it with some Tenacious D (whoever gets the reference, give yourself a high five!).

I think I rebounded pretty well as a whole, but the thing I most liked was the fact that I managed 4 blocks. Maybe it's because they don't come around often, but blocking always feels awesome. No disrespect to my friends though. I know there's just this not-too-comfortable feeling when you get blocked but these are my friends I'm talking about here so I don't mean such things.

Other than that... yesterday was uneventful. I'm just taking things slow this holidays so far. School drains so much out of me that quiet time is pretty damn good relaxation already.

Oh yeah, had a long chat with Yu Qing last night. Haven't done such a thing for a long time already. Always nice to talk to her. Amazing how we can still chat after moving in such different directions, and for so long too.

Well, that's all for now. Not much to say, really =/

2010-08-12T20:45:00.002+08:00

It's been a lazy week, really lazy. I haven't even left the house except to run and buy food.

You know, I really appreciate being able to run the way I do now. From this current standpoint, I really have NO IDEA how I managed to live with being 95kg+ last time. It just seems like a world away, like two different people.

With music and my thoughts, I can run 10km in just over an hour (1 hour 10 mins would be a safe estimate) or so. I don't know for sure because I usually run something between 7 to 9km at most, and have only tried a longer distance once, when I went for 11km and pretty much blew myself out just after passing the 10km mark. I think I completed that run in about an hour and 20 minutes.

But anyway, as I was saying, running is therapeutic for me. For me, physical exertion represents honesty. Sweat doesn't lie. If you pushed yourself, you feel it. There's no lie about it, whether it's running or basketball or whatever.

Of course, it's a huge added benefit that running keeps me physically fit. My stamina is incredible compared to when I first started, I can last longer not only on my runs but also in basketball, I move faster and feel lighter due to all the dropped kilos... the benefits are endless. I feel great physically, certainly better than I've EVER been.

Running provides me with an outlet. It's a cliche, I suppose, but running helps a lot in stress relief, most of the time. Many a time I've come back from a run feeling refreshed mentally. If I was feeling lousy due to some decision I had to make, I'd come back from a run feeling more positive and ready to make a choice. If I were feeling lousy due to large amounts of schoolwork, I'd come back from a run feeling ready and raring to go, to finish what I had to. Most of the time anyway.

Anyway on other issues, having all this free time has allowed me to get re-acquainted with cable TV schedules hahah. The early evenings (6 o'clock) are the time to start watching. Slam Dunk on Animax (although I've seen it before it's nice to watch again), Simpsons, Family Guy, comedies like How I Met Your Mother and Everybody Loves Raymond... so on and so forth. I don't really laugh out loud at most of the jokes, but to me these shows are all very watchable indeed. Of those, Slam Dunk and the Simpsons are my favourites. Oh yeah, even though I'm not a car buff, Top Gear is fantastic too.

You also have wildcards from HBO sometimes. Although they don't happen much, I have had days where HBO broadcasted two nice movies in a row (maybe more) and I find myself unwittingly leaving an ass groove in my sofa. Not happened so far this hols though. They keep showing Terminator Salvation and I'm not interested in that. They also seem to be showing Lethal Weapon 4 a lot nowadays. I'd be more interested if I hadn't seen it before on the same channel. Now if they had a Lethal Weapon or Die Hard marathon (like the whole franchise), I'd totally watch that.

Speaking of TV, I still haven't gotten the DVD for The Book of Eli. 'Real-life Fallout' is very interesting to me, so much so that I haven't even really read the synopsis for the movie for fear of spoiling it for myself. I'll probably get it one of these days, when I get bored enough hah.

Lastly, for the heck of it I've gotten the mp3s for the opening and ending themes (the first ones) of Slam Dunk. I find it funny how the song lyrics have hardly anything to do with the show, but they do sound pretty nice, especially the ending theme. Maybe it's partially what the manga/anime means to me, but they strike a chord with me.

I'm not much of an anime or manga fan, but I appreciate good storylines regardless of the source. I've been interested by mainstream comics like Spiderman, or deeper ones like Watchmen. Some Japanese stuff have caught my attention, despite my general western-ish preferences. I've read stories and seen movies set in a variety of settings, whether they be a quiet village in the countryside of England or in a dystopian over-crowded city of the future. Equal opportunity consumer hahah.

Anyway I'm looking forward to more basketball tomorrow, and a possible sleepless night cos I had a rather lengthy nap in the afternoon and didn't go for a run today. Well, what happens, happens.

P-A-C-K-J-A-M - Pack Jam

2010-08-08T18:00:00.002+08:00

Begun slowly, but slowly grew into form and ended off shooting well during Friday's basketball session.

My free-throw line jumper is still the closest thing I have to a consistent offensive threat, and I hit something like 3 or 4 in a row at one point of time. Also, my turnaround fadeaway got me some points, though that's probably down to the fact that Faris and Shi Zheng don't play ball much and have less basketball IQ than the likes of Jia Hao, for example. That said, felt nice to just keep scoring.

I still think that I'm primarily an under-the-basket kind of player, the kind that just rebounds and cleans up stuff, scoring easy baskets and providing post defense. It's kinda boring in the sense that there's no highlight reel stuff in my arsenal but hey, whatever works.

Caught Inception yesterday. Not as mind-blowing as I've read in some places, but at the very least, it left me thinking after it ended. Too many movies you can just leave without them having left an impression on you, but this one did. It didn't really challenge my mind but it at least made me think. Story was nicely done, though I'd have to say that the ending was really predictable. After all that had gone on in the movie, anyone who truly expected a happy ending is either an eternal optimist or clearly hasn't seen enough of these kind of movies.

And... my hols are here. I'm bored to tears already, hah. Today has been incredibly lazy. I feel a little dissatisfied, but, that said, if there's one thing I've learnt to treasure as a result of everything I've been through over the last year+, it's that dull and quiet is almost always better than exciting and noisy. My opinion, anyway.

Listen; you know I love you but I just can't take this

You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps

Although I need you I'm not gonna make this

You know I want to but I'm in too deep.

2010-08-05T21:24:00.003+08:00

I'm back.

No, I haven't abandoned my livejournal, but I figure sometimes I want to say things that I think is suitable for anyone and everyone to read, so I guess I'll use this as the platform on which to do so.

Well, school's out! Not officially; there's still Friday before the term comes officially to an end, but for me it's over. I have one lecture on Fridays but the teacher completed the lectures on Tuesday and so I'm free, for now at least.

3 straight weeks of holidays are now staring me in the face and I'm gladly staring back with a stupid grin on my face. Yes I know I have papers to study for, and two reports to do, but right now all I can think of is sleep, play, eat, and whatever the hell else I feel like doing.

There IS one personal project I'm going to undertake, but patience is key and for now I will wait. The timing isn't right yet. That said, I'm definitely going into this. I'll have to keep myself in check constantly though.

I'm really tired right now. I suppose that comes with being awake since 7 in the morning and rushing out a presentation. It didn't exactly go fantastic, but I hope it was good enough (by my standards). Just came off a couple of hours of Borderlands just to let my brain rest, although that sure didn't do my eyes any favours.

Well, nothing much else to say for now. Till next time then (which could be very long).

I'm still Alive.

2009-05-12T22:55:00.001+08:00

Pretty much everything's over at the livejournal now, so go there if you want to read the ramblings of a madman.

And if you don't know how to get there, TRY HARDER. I gave it to you. =D

2009-05-03T22:50:00.000+08:00

Let's see how long I can last.

2009-04-10T00:09:00.003+08:00

So I just updated my Internet Explorer to version 8 and spent a good five minutes wondering whether I had just voluntarily fucked myself when I couldn't open IE (it kept closing due to some error or other). Figured out a way around it and now it's fine again though. Man that was close.

I've been spending the past couple of days with SK and/or Abby. Everytime I go out with them, I feel at peace with the world. They give me the right balance in life. It's like SK's one extreme (super nice guy to the rescue!), I'm the other (angry motherfucker) and Abby's the neutral one.

I know I can (or do) appear quite high-handed in this blog, at least as of late. That stems from me taking pride in my strengths, especially the ability to cut through the bullshit and to get straight to the heart of the matter. But I'd be the first to admit that I still have much to learn in life.

I'm too real for my own liking sometimes. Leaves me seeing misery almost everywhere (this doesn't mean I'M miserable, I just see misery), which in turn leaves me quite apathetic about most things, which then leads to me looking like someone who just doesn't give a shit about anything.

I like how I am; I would not trade being real for anything. But I am open to learning how to be less, well, 'angry' about things. Mind you, I rule out delusion and ignorance immediately. I wanna be more open-minded, not fucking delusional.

Maybe some things you just gotta choose though, I don't know. Maybe to be more forgiving I'd have to give up a significant amount of 'realism'. If that were the case I'd stick with being real, but I'd still like to absorb as much 'open-mindedness' as possible.

I need a day or two to myself to meditate a little. Not sit cross-legged on the floor and go 'ohm' kind of meditate lah, but just, you know, clear my mind.

Too few people catch up with themselves and re-evaluate their needs and wants. Leads to alot of frustration when they can't figure out why they're feeling so shitty. Alone-time is seriously underrated.

In other things, I'm gonna change the tone of my blog posts. It's slowly becoming something I cringe at when I read. I've always tried to avoid being something I hate, in whatever I say or do, and it's slowly becoming waaaay too pretentious for my liking.

I'll still complain about something or other now and then, but it'll be things that, although maybe appearing like I'm just being anal, are really scourges of this world once you put some thought to it. Not that I've been complaining irrationally, but it'll be more streamlined in the future.

Well, peace out guys.

Presence of mind.

2009-04-06T23:20:00.003+08:00

It's a really interesting (and new) perspective to have when I realise that I'm actually the same age as the guy who scored against Villa to win us the match.

I mean, seriously. All we ever grow up with is thinking about the likes of Zidane, Figo, Ronaldinho, Beckham, Ginola, Mcmanaman and so on, performing wonders for the biggest clubs in the world.

They always seemed so far away (not geographically only lah haha); grown men playing football in what amounts to being an alien land for us. Grown men with families and careers.

Then in recent years there's been a marked increase in the number of young wonderkids, with the likes of Rooney, Ronaldo, Fabregas, Messi, Bojan, Balotelli and so on.

Still, it all seemed quite normal. They still looked like grown men with already established careers, albeit with more years ahead of them than the previous set of names.

The fact that some of these guys are only a few years older, or even the same age, compared to me always went over my head for some reason. Bojan is only one year older than me, for example! And now we have Federico Macheda, who's the same age as me (he'll be 18 in August), scoring a last minute winner in one of the biggest football leagues in the world.

Can you imagine? In some alternate reality, your friggin' classmate could be a worldwide superstar! It boggles the mind. Before too long I'll be looking at the 18-year olds coming through the system and be calling them kids cos I'll be so much older by then.

I'm old already hahahaha

2009-04-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

I suppose I should let up abit.

It's hard sometimes, having to compromise so much. The fact still remains that I am but human, and am not all-powerful or whatever.

I, every now and then, get too big for my boots. It's like a cycle, you know? I start with my mind really open to other people, willing to give others a chance, only to be disappointed time and again, causing me to become so... angry and high-handed. Then I review my behaviour and find it thoroughly unacceptable and then the cycle begins again.

It would seem that this is something that will not change; I'll have to keep going through this cycle over and over again, hopefully getting some real results out of it here and there. It's just about the best I can hope for, really =/

I have to thank my father really, for the ability to chastise myself and to keep myself in check. He's the sort of parent who's never really satisfied with his children's achievements, always asking them to go for more. If you get an A for a test, he'll want you to go for a distinction. If you get a distinction, he'll want you to go for full marks.

It can sometimes be really infuriating and frustrating, when it seems that nothing you do can satisfy him. But at the end of the day, when everything's done and dusted, what he's done has helped me immeasurably. It has made me demand for nothing but the best, at least in things that I KNOW I can do really well in.

My mum has always been the 'softer' half of this particular parenting duo. She's the one in charge of nurturing and coddling, while my dad is the one who demands and demands. I guess parenting is all about balance.

And they sure as hell got it spot on =)

2009-04-04T00:07:00.002+08:00

That last post was as much a commendation for AMK band as it was a damning indictment on the many people who take the awards too seriously. While it may mean that I appear an asshole for saying such things, I hope both meanings got through. What is, is, and what isn't, isn't. No delusions.

Speaking of which, I've thought about some of my thought processes and decisions of recent times, and I find myself to be extremely mechanical and robot-like. I'm a freakishly logical person, almost (if not already) to a fault.

Perhaps it's due to some things I've gone through in life, perhaps it's just how my mind is wired. Whatever it is, I find myself to be a very cold, almost unfeeling creature. Most of the time, anyway.

I, however, reject the notion that I am devoid of emotion when it comes to decision-making. I am still a human being, after all. The thing is, logic constructs my decisions, while emotions temper them, adjust them.

I know of people who make decisions based almost entirely on their emotions, then when things go kaboom they blame everybody but themselves. I try not to associate myself with such people anymore (waaaaay too tiring, and for nothing at that too), although I have interacted with such people before.

Humans are irrational due to their emotions. Therefore, to make any decisions (especially major ones) with emotion as the major factor is only asking for trouble, and when the shit hits the fan, you'd have absolutely no right to blame anyone but yourself.

Don't get me wrong though. I believe emotions, in general, are good. What makes us such unbelievably fallible creatures also makes us special. It's knowing when, and how, to use one's emotions that's the main stumbling block of so many people.

I watch the world go by, making sense of everything (and believe you me, there're many illogical things in this world) bit by bit. I might tend to generalise sometimes, but nobody minds generalisation until it applies to them. By that token, I reserve my right to generalise (although I am able to go into details).

I see the world as only a few do. It is a depressing sight much of the time, mostly due to the people in it. Which explains the choices I make, the philosophy I follow. I never mean any harm, but at the same time I want nothing to do with most people.

I am truly grateful for the friends I have. Amazing people, they are. All very human, as I am, but all not willing to take ignorance as a way of life. For that alone they deserve admiration.

I am logical to a fault. While it may be off-putting, it also means that it is easy for anyone to know what I mean. Sometimes, I might say things that sound unpleasant. But you know what? I'm right. Get angry if you must; it is only human nature. But when you finally take the time to think about it and stop being selfish and thinking of only yourself, you will inevitably find that I am right.

Now you see why I isolate myself? I don't wish to piss people off, especially since most have done nothing to deserve being pissed off. There is always a bigger picture to explain my choices and actions. No one sees it but me though, sadly.

Clarity and incision.

2009-03-31T22:25:00.002+08:00

So I went to watch this morning's SYF for secondary school bands.

Of course, main reason was to see AMK. In the end it almost turned out to be the only reason. Every other band, save for Hougang, were thoroughly uninspired. There wasn't anything worth listening to until Hougang went up, and then AMK bested them.

Sure, AMK only got a gold, but so what? I see so many people's MSN nicks/PMs saying stuff to console or whatever. You know what, that shouldn't be the case. It just feels like these people are belittling the band's achievements. They don't need no fucking condolences; they were that damn good.

I don't even see why people would want to go to sites like sgbandfusion to see what they said about AMK. The band performed to a level where only fools and retards would dispute their quality. They don't need other people's opinions to validate themselves. The fact is there, the recordings available to anyone to listen; AMK were miles ahead of everyone else this morning.

So they got penalised for taking too much time. So what? They performed at an incredible level. If they get marked down by such chickenshit criteria, so be it. Everybody there this morning knows who played music and who just played notes.

People are so narrow-minded. The award is a big thing, yes, but the most important thing has always been, and will always be, the experience of creating music as a team.

Everyone, get the fuck over getting 'just' a Gold. Because they played great. Don't fucking belittle their achievements by getting all bogged down by the semantics. AMK was a powerhouse this morning. So don't fucking forget it just cos they 'only' got a Gold.

Get the fuck over it. The fact remains that they are a quality band in their own right.

Well done, AMK. You played music, not notes. Well done.

2009-03-29T00:56:00.002+08:00

Well then.

Just like that my birthday has come and gone. While I don't really celebrate or even put much focus on it at all, it still feels a little sad for the day to have gone, hah. Doesn't make sense, does it?

Truth be told, and I don't know why this is the case, I have never felt the need (or even want) to celebrate my birthday. I tend to find it embarrassing, people fussing over me. All I really ask for every 28th March is for friends to acknowledge the fact and wish me a happy birthday. Doesn't have to be in any elaborate manner either; a simple sms would more than suffice.

I see no need for presents or cake. Honestly, the best present (if you INSIST on giving me one) would either be money or a free meal or something like that. Basically, something money-related. Not that I'm money-minded or anything, but it just seems the most practical to me. Helps me save, you know? Besides, most of the material things I want, I can get them myself. I don't spend much on a day-to-day basis, so occasionally splurging on some more expensive stuff (video games, a few books, etc) is well within my means. Therefore, it's just about impossible to get me something I really want if you were to buy me a gift.

Well, I'm 18 now. Qualifies me for M18 movies and videogames, as if I haven't already had my fair share of those, haha.

It's a nice number, 18. As I've said before, 18's one of those landmark ages. That alone makes this birthday that little bit more special, I guess (even if my birthdays are incredibly ordinary affairs). Pretty much opens me to anything now. 21's the next landmark, but that seems ages away, what with two more years of poly plus NS between now and then.

18. Hope I have another good 12 months ahead of me. The last 12 were quite satisfactory, even if there were some huge hurdles, obstacles and irritants along the way.

18.

18!

2009-03-24T22:22:00.003+08:00

Fuck, I sound really pretentious in that last post don't I?

I didn't mean it to come out sounding like that, really. Then again, how do you talk about something like that without sounding like an elitist asshole? Maybe I should stop with such posts.

Life's been tremendously boring recently, although that's also how I like it (for the most part). Been taking the time to read some books I got from Borders recently, and to catch up on all the lost sleep one tends to accumulate over the course of a school term/semester. Not many games to play; I've semi-quit WoW (might go back to it next time, but it's a definite no-no for the forseeable future), and it's not like I've got any new games recently. Mind you, there aren't any good games out there to get at the moment. Guess I'll just have to make do with some hardcopy entertainment (my books) and whatever I can scrounge together from the Internet.

Damn, I'm a fuckin' loser. =D

Well, just four more days to my birthday. Not like I'm gonna have any celebration or anything, that's just not how things work in my boring ol' life. It's just, I'll be 18, you know? Not a big deal to me or anything, but 18 is one of those landmark ages, innit.

On a last note, anyone who hasn't tried reading the comic Pearls Before Swine needs to start. Funny as hell. Cheers mates.

2009-03-21T14:47:00.002+08:00

Something interesting I noted recently: people don't realise how much they betray themselves in their writing.

I've touched on people putting on facades before, and while most of the time those facades are laughably easy to see through, many people completely expose themselves in how they write.

Very few people appreciate the power of words, and the fact that most people just blog/write without really thinking about which words they're using leaves many people more exposed than they would like.

Anyone can be non-direct in putting their thoughts across. For example, when you want to write about something but at the same time want to conceal some personal opinions on the matter, you'll change your writing accordingly. However, a lack of thought/vocabulary will always betray you. Only people with competent vocabulary or the ability to cover all bases (an extension of 'thinking too much') can truly hide all that they want to hide.

Via this method I've managed to gather more insights as well as confirm some beliefs I've had about some people. Don't get me wrong though, it's not only 'bad' people who commit this mistake. Regular, good people do too. It's just more fun to be able to see through the 'bad' people who think they're oh-so-clever. There's nothing more sorry/pathetic/bleedin' hilarious than someone who thinks he's cleverer than he actually is, after all.

Doing this with people I trust is merely to corroborate their words with their actions, thereby helping me gauge their sincerity. They generally all check out; they're good people, my friends.

I also have some strong thoughts on another subject, but it's a little too sensitive to talk about publicly, especially with most of the population totally unable to engage in a proper discussion/debate without bringing personal feelings and bias into it. To be fair, it's internationally sensitive anyway, this topic, so forget it. I'll say this though:

People should make choices to enrich their spirit. Not to provide compensation for other lacking areas in their lives. By using ideas as an emotional crutch rather than for what they really are/stand for, you only disgrace the ideas and put yourself across as ignorant, needy, and devoid of any self-belief.

Whatever your choices may be, always look for peace and presence of mind. Submitting yourself for any other reason is pure idiocy, and will leave you poorer for it.

Clarity and incision.

2009-03-19T00:48:00.002+08:00

I feel like I've got alot to say but not the means to express them all.

It's just alot of conflicting emotions. Thankfully though, they're not on the same subject so it's not like I'm having some decision-making crisis. It's just, quite a few different things are occurring at the same time, you know?

I've realised recently that, in some cases, longevity stands for shit. This is something close to my heart and it is quite piercing that this can actually occur. It should never have occurred, this problem. No signs pointed to it. The subject should be stable enough to not let this happen, but happen it did. The whole situation is absolutely ludicrous and supposedly impossible, but it happened.

Some other aspects of my life are doing well, though. I'm happy for those, feeling good about things in general. There's not much to be said other than I'm happy about these things.

So it's quite a mish-mash of things... I'm not about to let the shitty stuff bring me down, but it does leave me wondering about the future. Will it work, what we intend to do? And if it doesn't, what'll happen? For that matter, if it works, will it work the way we want it to? So many facets to this conundrum...

Well, also, results are out. Did okay, nothing great. So I'm not ecstatic but far from unhappy either. Very 'meh'.

I need something... 'ethereal' to help me along... and this is a great song for that very purpose.

Led Zeppelin - Kashmir

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear
Oh, oh.

Oh, I been flying... mama, there ain't no denyin'
I've been flying, aint no denyin', no denyin'

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where I've been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when movin' through Kashmir

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear
Ohh.

When I'm on, when I'm on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, when I'm down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well I'm down, so down
Ooh, my baby, oooh, my baby, let me take you there

Let me take you there... Let me take you there...

2009-03-07T20:20:00.002+08:00

In a mood that can only be described as 'smouldering' now.

Work is bad enough in itself, in the way it just drains me of all my energy, and it was worse than usual today cos I got a headache. It's fucking impossible to work with a headache, especially in an environment that mostly leaves one feeling incredibly restless. The last 3-4 hours of work was torture.

The bus home was hell crowded, but that's to be expected at 7, 8-something on a Saturday evening. What really got my fucking goat was the people on board. Dicks who don't know how to move to the back of the bus when the space appears. There was this woman who was content with parking her fat ass near the entrance and only showed signs of moving when a seat freed up. Just as well the seat got taken before she got there, the fucking lard-bucket. What's worse though, was the fact that she went back to her original, space-filling position. In a bus that crowded, that's just plain selfish (and that's a severe understatement).

Also another couple of ladies who liked to move back and forth in this, I repeat again, FUCKING CROWDED BUS. For fuck's sake, DON'T MOVE UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.

ALSO, a young couple who looked like the world owes them everything, standing at the entrance and just plain refusing to move further in. Your typical couple of the modern times; the kind that leaves you wondering just what the fuck either party sees in each other, your typical ah lian-ish girl with a guy who doesn't look like he's got any substance at all. You know what I think, I think they probably got together cos both were desperate for a relationship.

I see such people and I just lose faith in humanity all over again. That makes about 5 times now I've lost faith. This world is fucked, so long as such people exist.

I've read The Watchmen (the graphic novel), and although the ultimate solution seems extreme, somehow, you just feel that that's probably the ONLY solution. I'm not going to elaborate on the book (it's awesome though), but yeah.

It's never the ideologies, the technology or the concepts that fuck this world up. It's always the people who fuck it up. We're fucked cos of ourselves. That's how ri-fucking-diculous this world is.

I apologize for the insane number of F-bombs in this post, but you try going through what I did today without swearing. You'd explode from the effort, I guarantee you that.

Fuckin' hell.

2009-03-04T14:17:00.002+08:00

So I'm currently in the shop, finally getting a break.

It has to be said, the lunchtime period is the busiest by far. People take advantage of the one or two hours they have for lunch to drop by the shop to pick up a few spare parts or to drop off their bike for servicing or whatever. Rushed off my feet for a full two hours, I'm not kidding. Not even a second to sit down.

I'm going to be helping out in the shop till next Friday, as my parents flew off for a little holiday of their own in Taiwan just this morning. I woke up at the godforsaken hour of 4.15am to see them off. Not that I mind; they're my parents, mind you. But when you just spent the previous day also working and only getting to sleep around 12-ish, you're going to be hell tired the next day.

Truth be told, fatigue hasn't quite hit me yet. Then again, I think I'm running on pure andrenaline at the moment. I bet I sleep like a log when I hit the sack tonight. It's just as well I'm not going to work tomorrow (the only day besides Sunday that I won't be, for this period), and that I'm only meeting Abby and SK in the evening. If we were meeting in the morning I wouldn't be able to make it. But hey, Abby doesn't wake up till 3 in the afternoon anyway, so there was never any danger of that happening =D

Another thing that's helping me keep awake is radio. Not local radio, radio on da intrawebz. I interchange between AbsoluteClassicRock (a British station) on iTunes and listening to a huge playlist of classic rock/blues music on www.last.fm. I can't stress this enough; once you go to radio on the internet, you'll never, never, go back to local radio. Well, for me, anyway. I just prefer the topics they come up with for discussion on Brit radio, and the music selection (from both sources) is just so, so much better than what's available on local radio, even the more bearable ones like Gold 90 (sure, go ahead and call me an old stick in the mud =D).

I've already heard so much stuff from Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix, Deep Purple and all these other legends, and I just can't get enough of it. Not just the usual stuff that Singapore radio plays from these guys either. Not just stuff like 'Smoke On The Water' or 'Voodoo Chile'. The variety is awesome. These stations really are for me.

Lunchtime's over and there's significantly fewer customers now. I thought I'd have to write this post in chunks while I got up every few minutes to tend to another customer, but I managed to do it all in one sitting.

It's gonna be one helluva week and a half. Then again, if everyday were like today I wouldn't mind too much. It could be much worse, that's for sure. My job sure as hell ain't easy, even if getting it is/was. Just as well it pays good, eh?

Cheers mates.

2009-03-02T21:28:00.002+08:00

Man, what happened to me?

I used to have tons of things to say and tons of ways to say them. But all I've got recently is a whole load of emptiness.

I read through entries of mine from over the past year or so, and I really used to have so much more to talk about, to ponder on, to work the grey matter over. Posts used to come much more frequently back then too. So there was both quality and quantity back then. Now, there's neither.

Maybe it's because my life has become that much more boring since then. There used to be so much more happening in my life, both good and bad.

You know, even though this blog is public and open to anyone to read, its main purpose is really to give me some perspective on the changes in my life and how I react to them. Sort of like one long-ass reflection worksheet or something, except that in this case it's actually useful.

Reading my previous posts also gave me food for thought, besides wondering why I have so little to write about these days. Maybe it's cos I don't update often, but I seem to jump from one major event in my life to another. I only have to go back a few pages to read about the biggest lie that's been told to me recently, for example.

Speaking of which, I think that... incident has had a much bigger and far-reaching effect on my life than I first thought it would. In many ways it probably represents the last chance I'm giving to life, the world and the people in it. Life has disappointed me in many ways, and me being the kind of person I am, I probably would've given up on it long before this incident, but apparently, my heart screamed out to give this godforsaken world one more chance, and I did. Of course, we all know how that turned out, and now it would seem that I'm more cynical than ever.

Even the nicest people I meet almost all turn out to have some hidden agenda of some kind in the end. I don't go out much, so I have alot of time to think about things, and I come up with solid theories on alot of different people. I say 'solid' because those theories account for everything the person says or does, no hanging doubts.

If there's one thing I've come to a conclusion about with all this thinking, it's that the nicest, most seemingly perfect people in the world are all dirty, stinkin' liars. Okay, maybe I shouldn't say 'nicest', because some people genuinely are nice, but the ones I mean are those that seem to be perfect. There's no one perfect on this world, and, as I've said before, I'd be more inclined to believe or like someone for what they appear to be if they had flaws rather than if they appeared perfect.

An extension of that theory would be that, since perfection is impossible, it would stand to reason that those who appear perfect are putting on a show, for whatever reason. You've got the scheming motherfuckers, you've got people who just act nice to know more about you so they've got leverage on you, and many more types. Motherfuckers, all of them.

My closest friends, they're all really nice people but they've all also got some glaring character flaws which they mostly admit to. That's real, that's genuine. And that, coupled with whatever else you go through with them, makes for strong, real friendships that last. In contrast, friendships with people who are just nice all the time don't last, cos they're unreal. People might not consciously realize it but I think everyone has that feeling way in the back of their mind that some (usually the majority) of their friendships won't last for much longer than the period where they're in the same class/CCA/whatever.

Me, I just bring that feeling to the forefront of all my social situations. On the one hand, it makes me appear to be a cold, unfeeling sonofabitch, but on the other hand, it ensures that I stay away from the biggest bastards. There's also that grey area some people fall into though, in my mind. People who fall into this category are genuinely nice people who I just can't relate to and therefore can't form a real friendship with. These people, I don't have a single problem with, but there's never going to be much of a relationship here either.

If anyone reads this and finds themselves fitting into the 'dirty, stinkin' liars' category when they think that they haven't actually done anything to reveal their hand, well, hello there! That's right, I've seen through your facade. It might trick many people, and you might think that you're some kind of mastermind, but guess what? You don't really know a goddamn thing, jerkoff.

Cynicsm might reign supreme in my head, but I still try to be nice, or at least only for as much as I need to/think the person I'm talking to is entitled to. I never mean any harm, but allow me to have my prejudices eh?

That's all for now... I do realize that this post has been quite a hodge-podge mess of ideas and thoughts, with next to no organisation, but whatever. The message got across and that's all that really matters in the end.

Cheers mates.

2009-02-20T20:12:00.002+08:00

Well, exams are over.

To be honest I don't feel too great, because the last two papers were pretty fucked up. Accounting and Stats... I don't know man, I studied, but I guess it wasn't enough or something.

At any rate I'm gonna just forget this and enjoy myself for the next 2 months. I'll need a little time to get over the disappointment, but, knowing myself, it'll probably take just a couple of days of pure leisure.

Whatever happens, I hope I manage to maintain at least a 3.0 GPA. I need my Econs to be an A, that'll help quite abit. Hope it all works out then.

Something I realised recently: I've 'promised' (more like talk about) a few friends that I'd catch up with them but haven't got round to doing so. It's not like I was making empty promises either; for some reason or other I just haven't got round to doing so. Sometimes it's fatigue, sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm not in the mood... the list goes on and on.

This weird 'condition' of mine probably accounts for my poor retention of friends. Old friends whom I could, and still can, always talk to, but for one reason or another I've never been all that close to them. In that sense I suppose I take them for granted... That's not nice but it's not like I meant it so I don't feel guilty, per se. Still technically my fault though... so maybe I'll try to correct that during this hols.

I'm pretty worn out at the moment. Don't really know what I need to perk me up, but suffice to say, it's not something a full night's sleep will cure (though that'll help).

2 months of free time ahead of me and I'm feeling so crappy. Funny ol' world ain't it?

2009-02-07T04:48:00.002+08:00

Ho-lee crap. I just slept 9 hours. Nothing too special about that, except that I meant to just take a nap!

I got home yesterday evening, around 6. Dilly-dallied about on the web, before deciding I should get down to studying MOB. Took out all the materials I need, notes and tutorial answers. Felt a little tired so I thought, a little nap will do the trick. Besides, it's Saturday tomorrow so I can afford to study into the night, sleeping late. This was at 7.30pm or so.

And then I wake up and it's 4.30am on Saturday morning. What the fuck, right? Even when I oversleep it's usually only for a couple hours more than I intended. Sure as hell not by 7 hours.

I guess this just shows exactly how much fatigue I've built up recently. The thing about fatigue is, it just keeps building up, and you don't feel it until something sparks it off. It could be something a friend says that normally wouldn't bother you but for some reason you're taking offence this time around, it could be a song you normally don't pay attention to but suddenly it's capturing your full attention, it could be anything. Fatigue is such a bitch.

The worst part of it is, it affects your mood, but not in one fell swoop. If it did in one fell swoop, you'd be more likely to be able to control it. But no, it doesn't. Fatigue is more of a debilitating condition that just pulls you down bit by bit, until one day something lights the blue touch paper and all the built-up stuff explodes.

Maybe that's why I've been so irrational and difficult lately. The sad thing is, there's still two more weeks of worry to come, what with tests and exams. On the bright side I'm actually starting to study MOB early; the paper's on Wed and I managed to (only) read through all the chapters yesterday during my 3-hour break. Now it's time to consolidate it all by doing tutorials and reading through the notes more times.

Hopefully I can finish studying MOB quick. I wouldn't want to spend any time on it in the coming week. I'll be using that to study the other modules.

Well it's 5am now and I'm as awake as a paranoid squirrel who just consumed five cans of Red Bull. Time to get to work.

2009-02-05T22:25:00.002+08:00

Another month-long absence.

I just haven't felt like updating for a long time now, but things have been happening.

I just... don't know. I think I let my mind get caught up in too many things recently. Either that or just a few things but they were heavy things, if you know what I mean. Somehow I let my mind get way too caught up and 'forgot' to take a step back to evaluate things objectively.

I think it's due to that that I've been abit... irrational lately. I apologize to SK and Abby specifically, for being so difficult in recent times. That said, SK, I'm still not wrong man.

I'm going to be 'taking a step away' from myself for a little while, just to look over my decisions and reactions of recent times. I'm sure I haven't made any wrong decisions recently, just that I've reacted badly to the problems I've been facing.

It's just as well I know just how to do this for myself. It's a form of meditation in itself. Just put on some appropriate songs, lie back on the bed, close my eyes and just think. I transcend from my regular, 'everyday-mind' this way, and I become an impartial figure judging my own actions.

I know it all sounds real trippy, but hell, it works for me. Anyway, while I won't be shunning social contact for the next few days, I sure won't be searching for any. I just need to be alone for awhile.

I'm a bigger man than this. I really shouldn't be having such problems. But I still am human, after all.

2009-01-12T23:06:00.002+08:00

Just wondering: why do so many people think it necessary to be 'special' in how they write in their blogs?

By 'special', I mean pretentious. People who speak Chinglish in real life suddenly start attempting to use 'big' words in their blog entries and, more often than not, end up totally misuing them. It's all really quite puzzling.

I wonder if these people realise that, when they try to do such things, they really only make themselves look like fools for trying to be something they clearly are not. It's like a beggar going around saying he's got a million dollars in the bank; no one's convinced, and everybody laughs at him.

Besides the incorrect usage of words, there're also a set of people who try to convey their thoughts and feelings in 'cheem' ways. This includes writing in some really roundabout, self-serving way, just to put across a simple point. Something as simple as 'I didn't have a great day today' can become a strenuous exercise in literature. What's the point?

I suppose that, if you're the kind of person who for some reason needs to update everyday, you'll need 50 ways to describe the most mundane of things. The problem here, though, is that there's no substance at all. You're just decorating the cake with all kinds of icing and wording and stuff, but the cake's tasteless. Is there a point to that? Well, from my personal viewpoint, the answer to that is a resounding 'NO'.

Then again, maybe this is just a little pet peeve of mine and not many more people are bothered/irritated by it. I always search for quality over quantity in whatever I do/experience/buy etc etc, and this is one of them. I realise that I probably come across as some elitist jerkoff in this post, but hey, don't tell me you don't have an irrational pet peeve or two of your own.

Of course, not all people do this, regardless of their standard of English or whether their day was interesting or not. Thankfully, there's a large number who just tell it like it is, to the best of their capabilities. That, my friends, is down-to-earth. That is real. And I'll be damned if I ever go for something that looked nice but wasn't real, rather than for something that may not look so nice but is what it is, no strings attached.

Oh, and if you think I write in a self-serving, trying-to-use-big-words way, I don't. I'm well and truly capable of using every single one of the words I use here in daily conversation. Whether or not I do is purely down to the situation at hand. I just try to make conversations as smooth as possible for all parties involved. There's no point using expressions that the opposite party doesn't understand, and vice versa. That's why I always hope people don't speak in Chinese to me :D

Once again, I'm very much aware that I'm probably putting myself across as an elitist douchbag in this post, but hey, to each his own eh? Everybody's entitled to their own opinions. I'm very open-minded but some little niggly things can tick me off too. Human irrationality again.

Oh well, that's that then. Cheers.

2009-01-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

I 'realised' something today.

You know how I've never really enjoyed my GEMs? How it wasn't the one that I really wanted in the first place, how I'm the only one there and therefore quite bored most of the time, and all that? Well, it actually provides something for me.

The good thing about the module is that it's relatively simple. Most of the things I have to learn are quite straightforward, and even the few calculations that it requires me to do basically just involves common sense. As such, I don't really have to pay attention and should still do fine. This, of course, allows for day-dreaming.

I actually day-dream quite abit; it's probably one of my favourite pastimes. Now, what with always hanging around with Vish or some other guys for most of the day, there really isn't that much time to day-dream, so to speak, as I'm constantly interacting with other people. And of course, the main modules don't allow for that (gotta concentrate).

Going to my GEM, and being alone, is a sort of 'escape'. Normally, if I behave as quietly as I do in GEMs in normal classes, I'd be branded anti-social (which I sorta am, but not bad enough to be classified as such). In this class though, what with the fact that it only happens once a week and most people know only, at most, two other people in the class, it's close to being a class of strangers who don't need to get to know each other. As a result, people tend to keep to themselves.

I spend the class mainly half-listening to the teacher (which is enough; the module really is quite straightforward) and doodling stuff on my notes. It's all, strangely, quite calming. Everyone is minding their own business, no one cares about anyone else, the teacher is droning away (okay, not that bad. She isn't monotonous, it's just that the subject matter can be kinda dry)... It's a very zen atmosphere.

It particularly helps since I'm not exactly in one of the better periods of my life at the moment. I've been feeling off-colour for the past few days now. The weird thing is, I can't pinpoint what it is that's causing this. Maybe it's a culmination of a whole load of factors, both known and unknown. I really don't know.

I find myself living very much for the weekend, which I haven't done since those dark days of upper secondary. Every week almost seems like one huge hurdle to clear before we get to the weekend, then there's another hurdle and another and another until we hit the holidays. In that sense, this term will pass quite fast. Nevertheless, such a mindset doesn't bode well for my studies, as this just means that I go into every piece of work with a 'let's just get this over with quick' mentality. Quality will never come out like this.

But the thing is, school's not the problem. It may be a factor, in terms of the way that it's the main cause of fatigue, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't one of the main reasons for my poor mood nowadays.

Maybe one thing is the complete lack of recognition. I don't know if I'm just over-analysing things again, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not as recognised as I should be, by other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for accolades or anything of the sort. I just feel that people misunderstand me, and those misconceptions can get pretty far off at that too. I'm pretty sure that, if people got to know me better, they'd probably be quite surprised at how much more diverse and 'wide' a person I am, at least compared to their impressions of me.

I've pretty much been a 'sidekick' my whole life, but at the same time that doesn't mean that I don't notice the same things that the main 'hero' does. Maybe I notice more things, even. On the one hand, I'm kinda-sorta satisfied with being a sidekick. There's no pressure to perform and I usually do my best work when the spotlight isn't on me. On the other hand, though, I don't feel like I get the credit that I deserve most of the time. Most times, I feel that, although I'm the 'sidekick', my experiences and skills can be pretty darn close, equal, or maybe even better than the main guy's. But, just cos I'm the sidekick, I don't get the same credit. It can be quite infuriating and disappointing.

I just feel it's unfair. For most of my life, the efforts I've put in have gone largely unnoticed or taken for granted. In the band, for example. I'm sure every section leader had their fair share of problems and hard times, and I don't mean to belittle any one of them's achievements, but I feel like I probably had one of the hardest times of all of them. Tons of problems, of extremely varied natures, and with no one to turn to for help. I don't know for sure, but I felt that my seniors didn't believe in my style of doing things and that any support from them would have been paper-thin, at best. I didn't have anyone else in the same year as me in the section, so I had no one whom I could explain my choices to who would probably understand better (due to maturity issues) than the juniors. I had a couple of friends, Eugene and James, but they each had their own problems to deal with and sometimes, I even found myself in conflict with them over views and ideals.

Suffice to say, I was alone in that fight. A fight of tremendous proportions at that too. Besides the more obligatory celebrations (like POP or band dinner), I'm gonna be frank and say that I never really felt appreciated by my juniors. I can't blame them too much for that, because I was never, and probably never will be, the type of leader who is your best friend, who's close to you and who's there to provide support in EVERYTHING you face in your life. I can't blame them for that, but I think they never understood that this way of doing things was for the best. Thanks to differences in ideals and culture, I could never be their friend. Never. So I just concentrated on the less touchy-feely stuff, the more practical facets of the job.

My rationale was, if I couldn't be a true friend to them, I would not be an enemy either. The bigger picture was ever-present, and though it was painful having to go through my term being misunderstood as 'that dipshit who doesn't care', I think the Gold with Honours speaks for itself.

Anyway the point here is that most of my best work goes unnoticed, unappreciated. I've put in untold amounts of effort into many things, and while it is understandable (sometimes) when I don't get what I deserve for my efforts, it doesn't make things any easier to accept. So when something like this happens, I get caught in between understanding why I won't get what I deserve, and demanding for what's rightfully mine. It's a psychological battle that can tear me apart.

There are probably other factors to my feeling so down nowadays, but this is probably one of the bigger ones. It's just been a build-up over the years. I stepped down from being a leader 1 1/2 years ago, for chrissakes', and I'm only talking about it now. There have been many other smaller yet similar situations, and the build-up just kills me.

-----------------------------------------------

At this particular point in time I feel better after letting these weights off my shoulders. At the same time though, writing it all down here probably won't make a jot of difference when I get back to living my life, so, in a way, this whole post is quite pointless.

Long day tomorrow; first Econs lesson of the term. Haven't done my homework, don't intend to. Hope I got good marks for both Econs and PACC. Too many disappointments already, I need a pick-me-up. Wish me luck.

2009-01-06T00:27:00.003+08:00

Angry and disappointed at everything and nothing all at the same time.

I have every right in the world to gripe about everything, but no right at all at the same time.

Everything is fucked up, nothing is fucked up.

Here and there at the same time.

I just don't know what the fuck.

Motherfucking hell.

2009-01-01T00:07:00.002+08:00

Well then, 2009 is here.

This time last year I was filled with drive and fire, because I really wanted to put my years (two, actually) of mediocrity behind me. I was heading in a totally new direction, one very alien yet full of possibilities at the same time.

As we head into 2009, I'm more mellow. It's been a year of self-confirmation, in a way. I know now, for sure, that I'm intelligent, and the only thing holding me back most of the time is my laziness. I've confirmed many beliefs previously left unsupported. I've overcome yet another mental barrier in recent times, something that, I have to admit, I really didn't see coming at all, mainly because I had set out with one of my main goals being 'a simpler life' after all the mess of secondary school.

So it's just another couple of months and then I'll be finished with my first year of poly. Time flies. Can remember when I first got Ventrilo and started making a couple of new friends in Ying Wei and Vishal. I remember thinking Vishal was a dark-skinned Indian, something quite the opposite of what he is in real life. I remember all the times I went out with Boon, the semi-regular (once every hols) meet-ups with Shi Kai and Abby, and a whole load of other stuff.

2008 really went by quite quickly for me. Maybe that's partially due to the fact that I spent a quarter of it doing fuck all (the first three months of the year was hols for us poly-joining people), but it sure seemed to go by fast.

I end it with a much more stable life (albeit probably more boring), surrounded by few but extremely reliable friends. A year past and the choices I've made haven't been wrong. Confidence is at an all-time high; things have happened which have challenged me mentally but I've come through them scarred but not beaten.

2009 will be another year of change, I think. A quarter of the way in and I'll be in a class where I probably won't know most everybody. That's the only thing I can think of at the moment, but life is highly unpredictable, as the past month or two has shown me, so just about anything can happen.

Here's hoping there's substantially more good stuff than bad stuff then. Cheers everybody, and have a good year ahead :)

2008-12-25T15:16:00.002+08:00

Led Zeppelin - Over The Hills And Far Away

Hey lady - you've got the love I need
Maybe, more than enough
Oh darling darling darling, walk a while with me
Oh you've got so much... So much... So much...

Many times I've loved - And many times been bitten
Many times I've gazed along the open road

Many times I've lied - Many times I've listened
Many times I've wondered how much there is to know

Many dreams come true and some have silver linings
I live for my dream and a pocketful of gold

Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road

Many is a word that only leaves you guessing
Guessing 'bout a thing you really ought to know, ooh!
You really ought to know...
I really ought to know...

---------------------------------

With this, I close the book on this chapter in my life. Thoroughly unsatisfactory ending, in many ways, but it feels good to know.

I come away more confident in myself than I was before. I was confident to begin with, so this is really saying something.

By the way, take the meaning of the song as a whole. Anyone who takes only the first verse and thinks that's what the whole song is talking about... Sorry, but you just failed in comprehension.

Zen.

2008-12-20T22:26:00.003+08:00

It feels good being myself again.

I spent today just the way I like to spend my holidays: Waking up late, playing video games, then spending the last four hours (as of now) watching movies on HBO.

It feels good going back to this 'routine' which is so fundamentally simple (and also quite sad hahaha) yet at the same time well able to satisfy just about all my desires. Helps that those two movies I saw weren't bad. Good Luck Chuck is only so-so, Dane Cook's acting was seriously crap. It's an okay movie to watch if you weren't expecting much at all in the first place. Also, Jessica Alba! =D

The other movie though, was seriously good. Hot Fuzz. It's the only movie I've ever watched that has been able to be both funny and serious simultaneously. Of course, I've seen my fair share of comedies which have their more serious/touching moments interspersed between the jokes, but Hot Fuzz somehow manages to do both really at the same time. What's more, it's really funny, in all sorts of ways. You just can't beat the Brits for comedy.

Well, into more practical matters now. I've been having a topsy turvy past few weeks due to a reason that only three people know, and now I'm at the finish line of this crazy journey. Everything's fucked up, it can be said, but at the same time, in the middle of all this, I feel amazingly zen. It's like standing on the rubble of a city destroyed by a nuclear bomb or something, with you being the only survivor. Everything around you is fucked beyond hope, but you feel very much at peace with yourself, despite it all.

(Given of course you didn't lose any loved ones in the blast. Horrible metaphor/example up there, I know. Hey, I can't do good all the time, alright? =D)

For managing to arrive at this supremely zen scenario, I really have to thank those three aforementioned people. Let's start with Shi Kai:

I'm sure you didn't know how else to respond to all the stuff I told you was happening to me besides with a 'holy shit', but that's fine man. Thanks for hanging around and keeping the mood light, that's one thing you've always excelled at. You're still the one person who kept me sane in upper sec, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. Cheers mate!

Now, Boon Wei. You're kinda like Shi Kai in the sense that you didn't know exactly how you could help me, but I really appreciate you trying your best anyway. You help me keep being me, so to speak, with all the similarities that have made us such long-time pals. All the cynicism and all that, yet sprinkled with a willingness to live life to the fullest. 10 years and counting old pal :)

Finally, the one person who's helped the most, Abygail. Our friendship is seriously weird, as you've mentioned before. Hardly talking in primary school, we hit it off afterwards when we went to secondary school, even though you were still in the East and I had gone to Bishan. Think about it, we've been sharing problems and helping each other for 5 years now. And you certainly came through once again this time around, starting from the 'simpler' stuff all the way through to the convulated conclusion. Even though things don't seem like they ended on a very good note, I can still glean alot of positives from the experience, most of which were taught by you haha. Thanks alot!!

As for me now, I really hope that this is the end of this saga. I have a feeling that it isn't, but even if that's the case, with such friends helping me along, I can't go wrong =D

Thanks again guys. Really, really, thanks :)

2008-12-19T02:07:00.002+08:00

Yes or no?
Black or white?
Neither;
It is all grey

Disappointment and sadness:
By-products of the over-active mind
Try to turn
But it turns as well

Baseless it may yet be
But that we will have to wait and see
Hoping for a mistake, hoping for a flaw
Something which is very much against my usual law

Nevertheless, bow down I shall not
I can't, I shan't, I will not
I have to, I must and I will fight
It is beyond me to say 'nein, nein'

Out into the unknown
Where countless dangers lurk
Yet it will be only the treasures
That occupy my mind's eye

Mine not to make reply
Mine not to reason why
Mine but to do or die

Into this valley of uncertainty
Rides this sole horseman
His fate unknown to all
But he must answer destiny's call

---------------------------------------------------

I just... came up with this within 15 minutes. It's probably rubbish to the more discerning poem fans out there, I don't know. I just felt the need to put this down.

In case you were wondering, yes, that last part is helped along by Alfred, Lord Tennyson's 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade'. I thereby give credit where credit is due, heh.

It's the first poem I've ever written, and I reiterate that I'm well aware that it's probably rubbish. I don't know how to really 'judge' a poem though, so I'm really just stumbling around in the dark. Any constructive criticism would be well appreciated. Not that I'm actually all that interested in poetry, but it would be another interesting thing to learn after all.

A-M, O.

2008-12-17T23:41:00.002+08:00

I saw someone's MSN pm which went 'Si bei troubled now' and this lit up a spark in my mind, as in for something to blog on.

This guy whose pm I saw is the same age as me, which got me thinking: why do we always 'search' for ways to be miserable?

Of course, that question in itself is really general. I know of at least one person who always seems to be in a good mood. Still though, this person also 'searches' for misery, just maybe not so much.

I mean, think about it. Let's talk about the more practical worries for now. When we grow up, we'll have tons of things to worry about. Work, bills, various kinds of loans, family if you start one... the list goes on and on. And those are the more practical kind of worries; they're the kind that it's your 'duty' to worry about.

These problems are inevitable in a normal human being's adult life. They are things we should all, at least at the back of our minds, be kinda-sorta mentally prepared for. Unless you become a hermit or something, you'll have to face at least one of them in some way or other. And then we come to the 'impractical' problems.

What do I mean by 'impractical' problems, you ask. Well, they're problems which can actually be avoided as it isn't exactly 'necessary' or 'compulsory' for one to face them in the course of one's life. Good example of such a problem is to hang onto someone whom you like but who doesn't reciprocate the feelings. From a very logical standpoint, the super-obvious solution is to forget the person (at least romantically), right? Well, things just don't play out like that in practice (unless you find it easy to let go, in which case maybe your feelings weren't that strong to begin with).

It's yet another very human thing I wonder about sometimes. I partake in this particular irrationality too, myself. What is it that keeps people going despite the obvious misery that comes with it?

Hope, maybe? Personally I think that's it. Or maybe it's too many drama serials about undying love haha. Who knows, really?

(Please note that I DO believe in such a thing as undying love. It's just that, in real life, it doesn't seem to happen THAT often, or that easily.)

Hope. Something that is very much 'out there', something that's totally intangible (in my opinion, one of the most intangible), and yet at the same time something that can keep us going in the most trying of times/circumstances. It's fundamentally stupid, really, but at the same time it's just about the most beautiful thing we can experience.

It's another one of those human phenomenons that I'm interested in, but unlike most of the others, this isn't one that I'd want to look too much into, simply because it's one of the few good things we can have in this existence that doesn't have any catches and/or side-effects attached to it, heh.

We all need a little hope.

=)

------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I wonder if I come across sounding like a total idiot when I point out these little things in life that we tend to not think about, because we either have more important things to think about or we think we know them well enough. I wonder if I sound like an alien who just came to Earth and is totally overwhelmed by all these little facets of human existence. At any rate though, I like pointing them out and fleshing them out as much as I can, just because I don't think judging these things from a (very very very) logical standpoint occurs very much. I try, above all else, to give you food for thought. I hope I've succeeded more times than I've failed, heh.

Well, there isn't much else to say for now. I've spoken about hope in this post. And that's what I do alot of nowadays.

Here's hoping for... something that I shan't tell you guys =P

Cheers.

2008-12-15T07:17:00.002+08:00

So I just got back into the country around 2 hours ago.

The trip was... interesting. A whole mix of stuff. Most of it quite personal so I won't talk about it here.

Strictly itinerary-wise, the trip was also a mix of good and bad. Scenery was almost always nice, and the cool air was at first an interesting novelty, then later a fantastic tool to keep one awake. Places we went to, some were good, some were so-so, some were horrible. This trip really was a hodge-podge of many things.

Not much shopping to do; the cheap stuff was crap (fake is super fake, if you know what I mean), and the good stuff wasn't cheap, or at least not cheaper than Singapore. Nevertheless, got a pair of shoes. That means I now have 3 pairs of shoes to choose from to wear. For a guy, that must be a phenomenon hahahaha.

Ok, I'm seriously suffering from sleep deprivation at the moment. Impossible to sleep on the plane; the toilet was more comfortable than my seat, and I'm not exaggerating. Had half a mind to stay in there for the duration of the trip hahaha.

I should go sleep now. Mind's not working right, I'm so tired. Bordering on retardation at the moment. Bye for now!

2008-12-06T17:43:00.003+08:00

Well, this is my customary 'before I get out of the country' post, haha.

In something like 7 hours time I'll be on a flight to Shanghai. My first time there, hope it'll be good. Looking forward to a new place, after having been to Thailand like, 7 times in a row, which was then followed by a trip to the strikingly-similar-to-Thailand Vietnam. Somehow, I feel way more optimistic about this trip (in terms of itinerary, even though I don't really know what it is)... The idea of going to a cool/cold place really appeals to me I guess. I don't do it often.

I feel nervous, haha. I never liked leaving home for extended periods of time. Whether it's for something simple like a band camp, or for holidays, I never liked not being able to sleep in a familiar bed at the end of the day. Home is called that for a reason I suppose. Above all else, there's security in one's home. A feeling of tranquility, in a sense. You don't have to worry about anything when you're at home.

Of course, I'm speaking on a very existential level. It's one of those things we generally take for granted, our homes. Warmth, comfort, easing of tension... Home provides all those and more.

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with this anymore haha. Never meant this post to become so serious. Whatever it is, I wish for, above all else, a safe trip for my whole family and I. Fulfilling tour or no, of utmost importance is the security of the whole family. Not like I can really do anything about it, but sometimes that concern can gnaw at my brain. Worrying about things I can't control will be the death of me =/

Well, enough of these serious and depressing thoughts. I'm going on holiday for chrissake's, I can't act as if I'm going to take an exam! Hahaha.

Well, that's that then. See you guys in 8 days time!

2008-12-04T22:11:00.002+08:00

Well, just the one paper left then.

I'm feeling somewhat 'lighter' now than I was at the start of the week, mainly cos I've more or less (though not completely) managed to see through the fog covering my eyes. For a while, all I could think about was the MSTs. There was nothing (well... almost nothing) besides tests in my mind's eye. It's amazing how narrow-minded I allowed myself to become.

For a time, I could not see past these five days. For a time, it felt like these five days would make or break me. Of course, things aren't as serious as that, although they do have their share of importance.

Even when I'm done with these tests though, there are still things on my mind. Things which are beautiful yet very uncertain at the same time. I won't be heading off to Shanghai 'under a cloud', per se, but I'll still have things on my mind during the trip.

Hopefully the trip will give me what I need... An escape from life, for a little while at least. I'm gonna be bringing at least a notepad or something, to pour my thoughts into. Also, during the last MOB lesson last Friday, I, with a little help from Vish, came up with a new superhero. I know it sounds really childish and so on, but I'm gonna see if I can make something of this character. It won't be generic, that's for sure.

I'm gonna see if I can actually make something of my English capabilities. The only times I've ever really used them were when I had to for compositions in school before. Of course, no such opportunities exist now, so I'm further starved of chances to express myself. That's one of my main reasons for having a blog at any rate. But it can only help so much... I need more outlets.

Well, just an hour's worth of test left. I have a feeling I'm underestimating Econs. But, well, I've gone through all my tutorials as well as the notes, and I'm quite comfortable with most things. I just hope this isn't misplaced confidence.

Here we go then.

2008-12-01T22:21:00.002+08:00

It was a combination of factors.

Frustration over the amount of tasks ahead of me. Over the fact that while it isn't long, it feels like it is. Frustration over uncertainty. Over pessimism. Frustration at myself.

Napping didn't help. Another one of those naps that left me feeling more frustrated than before, because of the added effect of lethargy.

Frustration at myself was due to my cowardice. It's so stupid to be so... afraid. Especially when it's the only way for me to pursue my happiness. It's really much too stupid. I've resolved to put aside my lack of courage. It shall not hold me back any longer.

Tasks at hand... Sometimes they look so intimidating, sometimes they look so easy. Really don't know which face it'll show in the coming days. Uncertainty is my biggest enemy. Always has been. I hate being kept in suspense unnecessarily. Sure is unnecessary in this aspect.

More than anything it was my frustration at myself that filled me with so much pent up rage. I'm just lucky I have Led Zep's music. I'd be dead if not for them.

I've always been very logical, very factual, very down to earth and sensible. But there's two sides to every coin, and I'm no different. My irrationality just isn't very obvious because I always try to be the bigger man, to accomodate people, to compromise my own beliefs for other people. I always try to do that.

Sometimes it just comes back to bite me in the arse.

People take it for granted, thinking that I'll always be the one who gives other people alot of leeway in the way they interact with me.

I have always been the nice guy. I may not help all the time but I never intentionally hurt anyone either, not unless that person really deserves it. And even then, I usually don't.

I have alot of patience. But please, don't stretch me.

...

I don't even know where I'm going with this post. I guess it's just frustration over what I perceive to be a lack of respect shown to me. It's something that has plagued me for about three years or so already. I don't know, maybe I'm just over-sensitive? God knows I have that flaw.

Frustration at myself. I need to overcome that barrier. All chips in, no backing out. I have to do it for myself. I need to stop being so stupid in this particular matter. My happiness is at stake.

As for being taken for granted... I think, besides my family, only two people have not taken me for granted. It's a sad set of statistics, but is it any surprise when I function the way I do? Doesn't make it any easier to accept, of course.

------------------------------------------

For such a logical person, is it interesting to note that I like to read my horoscope? I can be considered to be quite a superstitious person... But the logical side of me makes sure that I take what I read in my horoscope with a pinch of salt. Sometimes though, they really do match what happens/happened in real life. No kid.

At any rate it's recommended (by the stars, heh) that I remain optimistic through these trying times. While it seems kinda hard to do so at the moment simply cos things look quite bleak, I guess there's no harm in doing so.

Hope everything works out for me. Both in my studies as well as in my pursuit of happiness.

Cheers.

2008-11-29T19:19:00.002+08:00

Sigh... why must this happen everytime?

As we get ever closer to another set of tests, I find myself falling sick again. Maybe it's some psychological reaction I have, I don't know. What I do know is that this is seriously irritating.

I haven't done much studying today. That's looking at things from an objective viewpoint. Number of hours put into studying is amazingly low. Nevertheless, I feel somewhat better now that I've more or less covered Statistics. I've memorized the few different formulae that are used in these 3 chapters (although they give them in the test paper), I've worked out when to use which formula, and so on. I think I need more practice, but at least the foundation is quite alright.

I'll be doing some MOB later tonight, simply because it's the first paper. Going by that same train of thought, I probably won't be doing any Economics until one or two days before the paper itself. That sounds scarier/riskier than it actually is; I already do have quite an alright understanding of most concepts so I should be okay. I'll make sure of it as we near Friday.

The only module I'm really worried about this time around is probably ITAB. Having done next to nothing for it (plus the fact that it's difficult to really revise for this subject; the textbook is only really useful when there's a teacher around) during the whole term so far, I have cause to be worried. I'll just polish up whatever I know and push for as high a grade as I can get. No minimum standard set for this one, that's for sure.

I have to do really well for Statistics, Economics and MOB. Statistics, to make up for my horrendous SPSS results. Economics, to shut the face of my stupid teacher. MOB, simply cause I feel that it's possible to do well for it.

For PACC, I'm just aiming to continue my slow but sure improvment. My first test ended with a 54, second with a 57, and third with a 70. While by no means good scores (especially when compared to other people), the fact that there's an upward trend gives me something to shoot for. Aiming for a B+ or maybe even an A this time around.

So that covers everything. I hope things go well... I'd like to head off to Shanghai in a good mood, not under a cloud of disappointment.

I also hope my mild flu clears up, or at least doesn't get worse, during the week. This doesn't bode well for a trip to a cold place. I wouldn't like to fall really ill on holiday. Has happened to me before and, without a shadow of a doubt, it's hell.

Well, here we go then.

2008-11-26T22:10:00.002+08:00

There are only two things in this world which are able to get me down and keep me there. And, while it might just be my own mind going into overdrive, both happened today.

One of them has been going on for the past week+ already. I don't know if there really is something going on, or if it's just over-thinking on my part. Just that, there seems to have been a change since that particular so-called incident. I say 'so-called' because it's not much of anything, but because of the changes, it feels like a landmark event of sorts. This is one problem that ebbs and flows; sometimes there's nothing, sometimes it stings like hellfire. I really don't know what to make of it all.

The other one... has been a problem I've had all my life. The only real solution is to face it head-on, but at the same time, doing so would set into motion a 'double or nothing' scenario. If it goes 'double', then brilliant. But if it hits 'nothing', it's going to hurt like nothing else on Earth can. Choosing to twiddle your thumbs doing nothing in the middle-ground just means the pain comes in small yet potent doses, bit by bit, until you finally have enough and go for the head-on solution. Only after then will all the dust settle, but whether you are left standing as victor or on the ground, a crumpled heap, no one will know till you try.

It's bad enough having these problems in normal times, but it's particularly, for the lack of a better word, irritating to have them occuring so close to exam time. I need all the rationality and sanity I can get right now. It's not helping at all that these irrational problems are bleeding me dry of those essentials.

Sigh.

2008-11-24T22:00:00.002+08:00

I laid in bed last night thinking, 'What a difference 2 weeks will make'.

Just under two weeks from now, I'll be in Shanghai, on holiday. Until then though, there's a major (major? ha! that's not the half of it!) obstacle in the way in the form of MSTs (Mid Session Tests).

I am so unprepared it's freakin' scary. I can't believe I managed to get myself into this kind of trouble. I've asked for it though, really. This whole term I'm sure I've played flash games in class more than, well, actually BEING IN CLASS. Stupid stupid stupid...

Well, there's nothing for it now but to hit the books hard in the time I have left. That in itself wouldn't be that much of a worry if not for the fact that there are so many thoroughly unnecessary distractions (as I refer to them) in the way. First, there's IDEA presentation tomorrow, and when a module is as useless as IDEA is, anything and everything associated with it is a waste of time/effort, let alone something as consuming as a freakin' presentation.

Then there's my GEM next, on Wednesday. I have no idea how it'll turn out. Things could go REALLY bad or they could turn out okay; I really haven't an inkling on which it'll be. Cross my fingers it'll be the latter, but this is one hope which is really very much in the hands of fate; I have next to no say in the matter.

Lastly, we have Economics on Thursday morning. It's hard enough trying to cram stuff into one's head in such a short period of time, but when you have to face someone like my Econs teacher, it just makes everything all that more difficult. I'd rather just use this week to do revision, but then we're supposed to do a tutorial on a topic not tested in this MST on top of a practice paper. I'm fine with the practice paper, it's the (at this point of time) extremely superfluous tutorial that's getting my goat. And if you don't do it, risk facing her wrath. What a fucking pain in the ass.

I'm so angry/tired/crestfallen now that I'm just hoping for a turn of fortunes (in whatever form) right now. At the very least, I managed to get through the Stats practice paper without too much difficulty just now (albeit with lots of reference to notes). That's a step in the right direction. But it's only the first of many to come in these next 2 weeks.

Wish me luck, I sure as hell am gonna need it.

2008-11-20T22:22:00.003+08:00

I think I've posted on this before, but isn't it plain startling the number of people who hide behind masks in everyday life?

All for the sake of going through the actual process of living life. It's fundamentally absurd, really.

It doesn't matter what the person is like either. He may be loud and boisterous, he may be quiet and shy as a mouse, he may be weird, he may be non-descript; it doesn't matter. Just about everyone hides behind a screen.

There are only a few exceptions to this phenomenon. My pal Vishal is one of them. What you see with him is what you get. He gets great results, that's cos he's brilliant. He looks like he can't be bothered with most things; he really can't. What you see is what you get.

A friendly person may hide a much darker side to him which he only reveals behind closed doors, and vice versa for the one-dimensional bad guy in your respective lives. Even people without an agenda tend to put on masks simply to get by. They pretend to relate, they pretend to share the same interests, the pretend that they find the joke funny, all just to get by in life. Some of these people just don't care for the aforementioned things; they're not interested. And they know it. But just for the sake of getting by, they continue pretending.

I suppose on the whole this is just how society should function. Imagine if everyone showed their true selves all the time. There'd be riots in the streets, just because everyone pisses everyone off.

It's an intriguing phenomenon, this. Yet another example of the irrationality of humans. As someone who just prefers things to be simple, I always strive to assert logic into everything I do/experience. Nevertheless, I respect that some things should be left as they are, and this is one of them. It's what provides the colour in life, after all.

-----------------------------------

Don't know what it is but I'm not too satisfied with this post. I read through it a couple of times and nothing's out of place, but it doesn't give me the 'oomph' factor either. Just feels very bland. (Shrugs) Oh well, better luck next time I guess. =)

2008-11-17T23:21:00.003+08:00

You know what?

This isn't my fight.

Give Me The Simple Life - Alice Ricciardi

Folks are blessed, who make the best of everyday;
Living by their own philosophy.
Everyone beneath the sun must find a way,
And I have found the only way
For me

I don't believe in frettin' and grievin';
Why mess around with strife?
I never was cut out to step and strut out,
Give me the simple life.

Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant,
Those things roll off my knife;
Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes,
Give me the simple life.

Bridge:

A cottage small is all I'm after,
Not one that's spacious and wide.
A house that rings with joy and laughter,
And the ones you love inside.

Some like the high road, I like the low road,
Free from the care and strife.
Sounds corny and seedy, but yes, indeed-y;
Give me the simple life.

2008-11-17T21:44:00.002+08:00

Why do I feel like this?

It doesn't make sense. Almost none of this is supposed to affect me at all. And even the small little bit that is, shouldn't be affecting me this much.

So, once again, I question myself.

What is this about?

Is it just me having 'too kind' a soul?

I know that sounds extremely godawful cheesy, but I'm speaking seriously here.

Is it that? I'm, underneath it all, really that kind?

So much so I can't bear to see people getting punished/tortured when they don't deserve it at all? Even when they're not even all that close?

That's fucking insane, I'm not like that. Or am I, and I just don't know it?

Maybe it's just an overload of such things in such a small space of time.

Cruelty... cannot and should not be tolerated. And yet it goes on in this world.

Do they really have good intentions behind their harsh actions? Or is it backlash, themselves seeking 'revenge' for their own grievances? A mixture of both, perhaps? I will never understand.

I've been brought up on values of kindness, of doing to people what you want done unto you, regardless of age, sex, religion or whatever. Maybe that's not the case in other places. And if it isn't, that's just plain cruel.

In my heart, I weep for the ones who have been done wrong. In most cases they don't deserve it.

I lost faith in humanity quite some time ago. And hearing and reading of these things has made me somehow manage to lose faith once more.

This is insane, and unfair.

---------------------------------------

I don't even know how to really continue. This post isn't even coherent because my thoughts and feeling are too jumbled up right now to really put things in order. Besides, it's a pretty touchy thing so I don't think it's wise to go into details just like that.

It might just all be over-dramatization on the part of the victims, I don't know. But either way, this isn't right.

Someone help me out here, I'm lost and confused.

2008-11-17T00:12:00.000+08:00

Man... That's fucked up.

To be elaborated tomorrow.

2008-11-12T22:14:00.002+08:00

I realised just recently just how far I've walked away from my secondary school life.

I look at blogs of people from secondary school, and I find that just about all of them (if not all) still have 'current' relationships with people they met in secondary school. Either they went to the same school after graduation, or they still meet each other in some way or other.

Hasn't happened with me, of course. Besides Shi Kai, I don't even really talk to anyone from my secondary school anymore. Of course, this probably has to do with the fact that I don't like my secondary school one bit, save for the good memories I had with the band and with the (very) small group of friends I had. Still, it's pretty... striking, just how far I've left it all behind.

Eugene and James were my closest pals while I was in the band. Looking back now though, while the three of us did have some common interests, I think the main reason why we banded together was because we were each others' lesser evils. I can't speak fully for James, but I believe that this was very much the case with Eugene.

You see, the three of us come from quite different backgrounds. Of course, James and Eugene had more in common (in terms of upbringing and culture and so on) than I did with either of them. But still, we were different. I think we only really got close because everything and everyone else around us were so insane, so irrational, that we jumped at the slightest hint of sanity and held on to it for dear life.

And now that the three of us have since moved on in our lives (in three seperate directions at that too), and left all the irrationality behind us, we find that we don't really need each other anymore.

Eugene has found his new life with new people at NYP. I don't know if he still looks back to AMKSS people to chat with them or to go out with them, but somehow I don't think that's the case. Even if he did, he wouldn't be doing it often. Just a gut feeling of mine.

James has gone into NYJC, and his transition has been a slightly smoother one than the mine and Eugene's, with NYJC filled with AMKSS people. Plus, he's also in the band over there, and quite a number of the NYJC band members are also from AMKSS. Of course, I'm sure he's also gotten to know some new people, so it's a mixture of old and new with him. Whatever the case may be, he has also transitioned away from the days of old, of the three of us.

Me, I've left just about every trace of my old life behind. Surrounding myself with friends who aren't only new, but also totally different in terms of personality, I've pretty much cut myself off from my old life. I hardly speak chinglish anymore (that crazy mixture of English and Chinese you pretty much HAVE to speak if you wanted to be understood), just English now. I tried the band again, but found that I have had enough of that life. I don't speak with anyone from secondary school anymore, save for Shi Kai, and even then our conversations can hardly be described as 'frequent' (though our relations remain very good, a fact I am very grateful for).

The three of us have drifted so far away. It's bittersweet, really. I'm sure I don't need to point out the 'bitter' part of the drifting, but the 'sweet' part isn't as obvious. This situation is 'sweet', because, as I said, we were just each others' lesser evils. We were the best we could find. That does not exactly mean that we were perfect for each other.

The three of us were each others' emotional crutches. We were the only people we could trust. We were what kept us sane. We were extremely important to each other, cos everything else was just too crazy, too inconsistent, too volatile, too whatever for us to handle on a regular basis. But that time's gone now.

The three of us have moved on, and while it isn't exactly nice to say that you don't even speak with two of the closest friends you had in secondary school anymore, it really is for the best. Some things you shouldn't hang on to when they're past their sell-by date. This is one of those things.

I'll always remain on cordial terms with them, I'll always have a laugh or two with them when we meet again, I'll always stick with them in alumni band. But outside of those familiar old settings, I belong to my own world now. And so do they.

I have gone. I truly have.

2008-11-07T19:01:00.002+08:00

Well, that's another week over.

I'm happy to say that this one has been significantly better than the last one. It's difficult to describe exactly what has made this week a good one, but suffice to say, I feel much more fulfilled this week.

PES 2009 for the 360 is coming to Singapore next Tuesday, so that's another thing to look forward to, plus, and this is bleedin' awesome, NO GEMS NEXT WEEK. Finally, a well-deserved break.

There's a kicker though. Group project to be done with people I hardly know, and I have no idea how it'll turn out, but here's hoping for the best. Whatever happens, at least I'll have an easier time next week.

There's still that Powerpoint assignment to be done, but that should be alright. Won't take too long, I hope.

Well, looking forward to my weekend, as I always do. Before I know it though, MSTs will be here and I gotta study hard to get good grades again. But that's another worry for another time. For now, I just want to kick back and relax.

Cheers!

2008-11-02T21:51:00.003+08:00

Just dropped in to say that I'm so glad I listen to such a huge variety of music genres.

I usually turn to music to help me heal any psychological/mental wounds I may be having. That's certainly been the case this past week.

Usually any of my favourite songs from any of my favourite artistes does the trick, but that hasn't been the case recently. Rock music wasn't working, and so I turn to jazz.

There's just something about jazz... it's so capable of soothing the soul. Of course, there's the high-octane, exciting type of jazz as well, which is nice in its own way, but it's the soothing type that has helped me out here.

One song stands out in particular... here's Chet Baker with Let's Get Lost.

2008-11-02T12:14:00.002+08:00

We've hit the weekend but my depressed emotions persist still. I really don't know what will help me out of this rut, seriously. I thought getting to the carefree weekend would relieve the pressure, but apparently that hasn't happened.

But for all of this crap, at least the football has been kind to me. An exciting United win, 4-3 over Hull, an Arsenal loss, 2-1 to Stoke of all teams, and a Liverpool loss as their insane luck finally ran out, 2-1 to Spurs thanks to a last minute Pavlyuchenko goal (I actually didn't have to check how to spell his name, LOL).

I won't go into the details, but this means that United are in the top four again, and Le Arse look in danger of doing a Liverpool and dropping out of the race before the midway point. Liverpool finally got what they deserved, but Chelsea are as rampant as ever. Much as it pains me to say it, I think Chelsea have got this season's title in the bag. They just don't look like dropping points against any of the smaller clubs, and I think they'll be good enough to come out of all the Big Four games with at least more than half the points available from those matches.

Well, back to my boring life. Stayed at home the whole day yesterday, trying to work my mind around my current conundrum. As we all know now, that didn't help much. My brain was working in insane overdrive too, being very unreasonable on a number of things. My (temporary) solution? Go for a run.

I've been trying to lose some weight in recent weeks (only started 3 weeks ago or so), jogging/running in the park near my home whenever I can. I haven't been able to squeeze in much exercise in the past week due to all the commitments in school draining my mental energy, but I usually try to jog/run as much as I can. I needed to expend some cooped up 'frustration energy', if you know what I mean (no, not the sexual kind you dirty bastards :P), and just decided to do so by running.

My stamina has improved quite abit from when I first started, and I was able to just flat out sprint a few times without getting spent. By the end of the run, I felt slightly better. Sometimes, you just need something primal to let out your frustrations. Shouting at nothing in particular, sprinting flat out to 'release yourself', whatever.

Still, it's only a temporary measure at best. I do feel better now than I did yesterday, but the negative feelings aren't all gone yet. I have no idea whatsoever what'll it'll take to expel these feelings, but I'll just keep living my life and hope karma works out.

Here's hoping for a better week ahead!

2008-10-28T22:05:00.002+08:00

Just been feeling so damn lethargic the whole day today. I don't even know why I feel as such. It's a feeling of emptiness, of unfulfilment. And still, life continues to ask more of me.

I've felt such emotions before, numerous times, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. You come home wanting to just lie on the bed and forget everything for awhile, but life and its commitments prevents you from doing so. Even when you take a nap, it's a fitful one. You wake up feeling, not refreshed, but worse than ever.

It's been abit of an obstacle, today. 2 tests had to be done, and here I am at the end of the day with those hurdles behind me, but with more to come. As I've said before, my GEM is a problem I have to face every week, and then there's Economics on Thursday and I haven't done my homework yet.

Here's how my mind tackles my timetable: Mondays end late quite unnecessarily, but the lessons are quite alright, so that's fine. Tuesdays are also okay, but IDEA is a seriously retarded module, so that tempers things a little bit. Wednesday is 'the day that could have been', if you catch my drift. It's spoilt by the fact that my GEM is on this day. Thursdays are actually alright, but for the one big problem in the morning, Econs. After that it's PACC where we can just chill out, and the rest of the day is really quite relaxed. Fridays may end at 5, which is a pain in the ass, but lessons-wise it isn't too bad.

So the week is split into two parts, Mon and Tue being 'alright', Wed being the problem in the middle, and we can add Econs on Thur morning to that portion. After Econs it's plain sailing for the rest of the week. It's like a bell curve.

It doesn't help that there's stuff to do, and I'm currently in this horrible mood. Nothing seems to help; the only one guarantee is that time will pass. This is like an injury where no painkillers or anything can help, only time can, and will.

It's a test of my mind every week. I'm getting tired too, even though it's only the third week. That's not cool, there's still another four weeks or so to go before the 3-week holiday, and even then, there're tests in the week before it. It's just as well, at least this means that one can truly relax during the holidays. Still, all obstacles.

It's times like this that many people would just say that I'm thinking too much, and that I should just take things one step at a time. But then that's not how I operate, that's not how my mind operates. I'm a hard person to help when I'm experiencing such emotions, so I've come to not bother asking people for help; I know it's almost, if not totally, impossible to really help me in any way when I'm feeling like this. Every attempt at cheering me up will be rebuffed with a shot of logical thinking.

Hopefully you readers understand what I mean in that last sentence there. I can't really find a better way to put it, but I can see how it can be confusing. Anyway, yeah. When I'm feeling like this, much as I want someone to cheer me up, I know that I simply CAN'T be. I need time to do its thing; that's the only thing that works. So when I'm feeling like this, I'm caught in between the realms of straight, extremely logical thinking and irrational human emotions.

Sometimes, just sometimes, logic really bites.

2008-10-26T01:00:00.003+08:00

2 weeks of school are over and I've yet to update. Well, that's mainly because there isn't much to blog about.

My GEM isn't exactly great, but I'll keep at it. Nevertheless though, it makes every Wednesday feel like a hurdle I have to jump over. It's a shame, cos if it weren't for my GEM, Wednesdays would be my best day, what with only 3 lectures and no tutorials. Would be bloody brilliant, but then you gotta roll with the punches I suppose.

School's been quite boring otherwise, really. New modules, new project groups made, but nothing of any real note.

Sigh, my life's hella boring innit? Got a couple of new games for the 360, Saint's Row 2 and Fable 2, but that's all.

Nothing of any sort to talk about, life's boring and sometimes tedious. Don't even know why I bothered to update! Haha

I don't mind life as it is now, to be honest. Sometimes mundane and predictable just wins over exciting and spontaneous. But maybe that's just boring ol' me talking.

Well, till next time then. Cheers.

2008-10-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

Oh, just realised that this blog has been in existence for 2 years now.

I've come a long way since then eh? Still remember Tommy helping me out with the setting up oh-so-long ago.

This blog has been around for so long and it's only had 2 changes of blogskin, and one of those was enforced when the blogskin went all kablooey on me. I like how the blogskin changes themselves more or less show the change in my own personality over the years.

Started with the Motley Crue blogskin. I was a kid then. It was so superficial, I cringe when I think about it now. Then we went to the Spider-Man one. I'm a Spidey fan myself, and while I'm all for the notion of more people finding out about and liking the character, I don't like the commercialization of it all. I hope using a skin which showed the old-school 'Spectacular Spider-Man' comic cover would have put me in a different class, but that's too far a stretch, expecting people to think that way, so I don't think it worked. Then we come to the current one.

It was an enforced change when the Spidey one decided to be a dick and implode or something. Forced to find a new one, and I never liked doing so since there's alot of rubbish ones and the search function on blogskins.com isn't exactly the best around. After running out of ideas I just went to look at the top-rated ones and saw this one. I liked it immediately, it was classy and stylish at the same time, without overstating anything. Good balance.

I changed the 'intro' words to 'Achtung!' and 'Get Psyched!' as a homage to one of the most influential video-games of all time. I'll give a prize to anyone who knows which game it is!*

*No prize-giving intended at all

Well, school starts tomorrow. In two minds about it. I don't mind school so much now since I've got some friends who'll always provide a good laugh no matter what, but school is, well, school. My laptop's XP partition crashed on me for the second time recently. I haven't the time to get it fixed tomorrow, so I can only do it on Tuesday. This is pretty screwed up since I've got a computer lesson tomorrow. Oh well, what to do =/

Good thing is, I start school late tomorrow so I can sleep late/sleep more. I'll probably go for the former since I took a short nap earlier and it's not exactly early at the moment anyway.

Well, here's to a new semester.

2008-10-11T13:23:00.002+08:00

You know what?

If I'm at least logical about my arguments, why should I care what other incoherent people think.

Cos what we have here, is a well-thought out argument being rebutted by a nonsensical, out-of-point statement. And if that's allowed to happen, where do we draw the line?

Social Studies (and History) should've taught people not only the facts of years gone by, but also how to argue your point properly and coherently. Everything requires statements and logic and quotes and whatnot to back it up, which is how it should be in real-life arguments. It is through this way that we can see who is more believable and/or educated about the subject at hand.

Alot of people don't use their brains when they argue. While they might not sink to such levels, most arguments consist of one party who's generally going 'I know you are, but what am I?'. And if you don't get that... never mind, read more books and watch more TV. You can pick up stuff like this even from cartoons (like Johnny Bravo).

This post isn't very organised, I know, but I hope that at least the gist of the message gets through to most people, that being, if you want to argue a point, argue properly for fuck's sake. Don't be a rebel without a cause.

This quote just about sums up what I feel alot of the time when I see disagreements (with me or not):

"What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men." - Cool Hand Luke, 1967.

2008-10-07T22:45:00.002+08:00

Two posts in a day, I've never done this before.

Well I couldn't get the module I wanted for my GEMs (General Elective Module) and that coupled with self-realizations in recent times has led to my bad mood today. On the GEMs front I have had to settle for a class which none of my friends are taking. That's the shitty part of it all, but the module in itself isn't bad so... it's not ALL bad.

On the self-realization front? I can't say for sure that I've finished my 'reflections' just yet, but looking at things from a more general point of view, fairness is definitely in order and I have no right to complain. In case you guys don't know what exactly I'm talking about, I was feeling really crappy after not being able to get the GEM I wanted. I don't usually get down, but I was like that for about half the day.

I went home myself from work today, to allow myself some time to think things through about myself and the things that were happening to me. Sometimes you just need to be able to walk a substantial distance with no company but your iPod. It helps alot especially when you're doing some soul-searching.

Anyway I've come to terms with the GEM thing by realizing that it's actually, well, fair. I've had alot go my way in recent times, and a comparatively small setback like this shouldn't get me moping. That would just be stupid.

On the 'angry' front, I've decided that, while I'm not to be blamed for having my own opinions and feeling strongly about them, I have no right to go all crazy slamming everything in this blog of mine. I've definitely been being angry for the sake of being angry in recent times. Why have I been like this? I think it's me getting way too big-headed for my own good.

In the last few weeks I've been nothing but right (dealing with some home matters), and, coupled with my opinions on things, just led to me getting too big for my boots. I can't believe I allowed myself to become like that, when I've always tried to be keep my own ego in check as much as possible. Disappointing, this sort of thing really shouldn't be happening.

Dissatisfaction over sec school experiences? I've decided I can't keep living my life letting such things drag me down. I'm letting go of all the bad stuff, for real this time. Mistakes I have made, will remain as such. I learn from them, and move on.

I'm someone who tends to hold onto memories of days gone by. I need to start thinking ahead now. I've been clutching those old straws for far too long. If I keep doing it I'm just gonna be weighing myself down unnecessarily.

So, with the GEM class I'm being thrown into the unknown for the first time in a long time. Last time something like this happened to me was when I first became a leader in the band. But I'm prepared this time, and I won't make those same stupid mistakes anymore. No more culture shocks, no more frustrations from a past life.

No more.

2008-10-07T17:35:00.002+08:00

What a difference a week makes.

For some reason (I really don't know why), I've been looking back at a few of my more 'angry' posts (including that last one) and wonder how I managed to work myself up to such a fit to write such stuff.

Some things really do irk me, and make me wonder how fellow human beings are able to think in such ways. Some things (which may not have been mentioned in my posts) have left me questioning humanity as a whole.

Maybe I've let myself be consumed by my dissatisfaction with some things in my secondary school life. Things I deem important that didn't reap the full rewards (or none at all, sometimes). So caught up in trying to make up for these 'mistakes' that I've forgotten myself.

I don't even know what I really am anymore. I look at myself and see both sides of the coin, no matter what coin we're talking about. I see both powerful strengths and crippling weaknesses. I see open-mindedness and narrow-mindedness. I am so right, but I am so wrong as well.

Maybe I hate the fact that life is full of such shades of grey. Why can't more things be plain black or white, you know? I don't know anymore.

Whoever you are, Juliet (in my tagboard), I suppose you could say that I'm doing nothing to help out the situation. On the other hand though, what would you expect a student to do? I hope you don't see this as a 'counter-attack' or anything like that; I wouldn't like to engage in a virtual flame war with someone I may or may not even know. Singapore is a great place, don't get me wrong, but I just feel that some things are just headed in the wrong direction at the moment. As I said in my 'disclaimer' in the last post, whether or not I'm right or wrong in my predictions, only time has the answer. I could be as wrong as saying '1+1=3'. Maybe I'm just so angry because such things are happening in my country of birth.

I've been so angry recently. Now that I think about it, I question myself over why I've been as such. While it may not look/sound like it, I do have some friends who've been around for a long time now. I may not have a large number of friends, but those whom I see as real friends, are the kind that will never drop the baton, in regards to their friendship with me. I'm thankful for them, I truly am.

I look at my angry posts and another thing that disgusts me is the abuse of the English language. Having the ability to write should not result in using it in purely hurtful ways. I need to go look at myself in the mirror and do some soul-searching.

It seems like I've been being angry for the sake of being angry, at least in recent times. I need to think myself through. This ain't right.

2008-09-28T22:50:00.004+08:00

Does it even seem sensible when people who have never followed a particular sport suddenly seem like its biggest fans?

Of course, what's triggering this is the just-concluded Singapore Grand Prix. Myself, I've been a semi-interested fan of F1 for over a year now, which by my own standards would still just about put me on the list of bandwagon-ers. Still, at least I know more or less the ins and outs of a typical F1 race; to put it succinctly, what actually makes a race 'good' or 'bad'.

There are a few groups of people who have been following this particular race. Firstly you have the true-blue F1 fans, who've been watching since forever and could probably quote you all sorts of stats from almost any season thus far. Secondly, you have the people like me who semi-follow the events and have a general idea of who's who in the championship, and maybe have some knowledge of the past 2 seasons or so. Thirdly, you have the people who have never seen a race (or highlights, even) in their whole lives but suddenly support a particular team or driver with what seems like a deep passion. This third group of people are serious losers.

I'm perfectly alright with people who've never seen a race before but, because of the atmosphere surrounding this event (first night race, first one in Singapore etc etc), are getting excited. So long as these people admit to having next to no knowledge of the sport and openly say that they are only getting excited about the event, that's fine. The ones who are losers are the ones who suddenly seem to support a team/driver as if they've done so for a long time.

It's not just F1 either. Every 2 years, when a World Cup or Euro Championship comes round, suddenly EVERYONE follows football. People who have probably never seen 5 minutes worth of a football match in their lives suddenly go 'BRAZIL FTW' and 'FRANCE! WOOO!' in their blogs as if they religiously follow the teams. Some of these people can't even spell the footballers' names right. I'm not talking about the fringe players either, I'm talking about the main superstars of each squad. I've know some of these 'die-hard fans' to misspell Ronaldinho's name. Fucking Ronaldinho. Of all players' names to misspell, they misspell Ronaldinho's. And this was back in 2006 when he was probably the best player on the planet.

With all these fickle-minded, glory-hunting retards all over the place is it any wonder at all why I seem to have a large chip on my shoulder all the time? Watch as I tie this into my general disapproval of Singapore:

Because of this perpetual glory-hunting attitude, a huge percentage of the population (or at least of the portion which defines our culture, teenagers and those who get involved with them) just go with whatever seems to be the in-thing at that point of time. Case in point: before 2004, how many Chelsea shirts was one able to see on the street? How about after? See what I'm talking about? Therefore, because of this stupid, stupid fickle-minded culture of ours, Singapore will NEVER have a proper identity or culture of its own. All we have are 'pirated' versions of other cultures.

We pride ourselves on racial harmony, and I have no problem with that. Harmony, or at least tolerance, between races is always going to be a good thing. But perhaps, the only reason why the government makes such a big deal about racial harmony is because, without it, Singapore would tear itself apart with all of the races continuously fighting over who is the dominant race, who is the 'most' Singaporean.

Somehow, the government struck lucky and managed to get all the races under the single banner of 'Singaporeans'. Struck lucky in the sense that there were not enough (and don't tell me there weren't any at all; that's just being naive) dissenting voices in each camp (of races) to force more drastic measures.

As a result of racial harmony, Singapore's earlier culture was of having so many races together living in harmony (sorry if I'm overusing the word 'harmony' here, heh), and being proud of it. Nothing wrong with that, I would actually say that it's commendable. BUT, simply because when you dig beneath the surface and find that Singapore has no one 'true' culture of its own, we are easily influenced by exterior sources, influenced into admiring and attempting to emulate other cultures, whether it be for deeper, more serious reasons such as ideology, or for extremely shallow reasons such as 'it's cool'.

Look at teenagers nowadays. I'm sure I'm not exaggerating when I say that, in school, if you stood on a single spot and turned 360 degrees, you would be able to spot at least 5 guys who look quite similar, in terms of hairstyle and dressing (if you're in a school which requires you to wear uniforms, substitute 'dressing' with 'way they wear their clothes'), with hardly any effort at all.

Are we agreed on that point? Ok, moving on:

We now look at where this style of dressing and hairstyle comes from. Taiwan/ Hong Kong (but more so Taiwan) would be the answer, right? There you go, we copy Taiwan in this aspect!

In this particular case it's even more pathetic because I believe the Taiwanese got their ideas from Japan first. So what we Singaporeans have is actually an imitation of an imitation. The only thing sadder than that would be a 4th generation imitation (an imitation of us, in other words) and that's pretty difficult to find.

This is all just a commentary on the here and now. In case you haven't already seen the future implications of having such a culture (or lack thereof), this means that Singapore will NEVER have a true culture of its own. And when you don't have a true culture of your own, people (even those who participate in the fickle-minded process) will one day move on without much inertia, due to a lack of patriotism. After all, how can one be truly patriotic of something which is, underneath it all, nothing?

Sure, you see alot of people going 'Singapore rocks! Wooo!!' in their blogs in and around the days of National Day. These comments are ALMOST ALL triggered by something like NDP Preview or NDP itself, NOT out of patriotism. When you actually need something COOL or HAPPENING before you declare your patriotism, I'm sorry, but you're a fake patriot.

Going back to the 'moving on' portion from two paragraphs up, this means that this lack of a true culture will contribute significantly to the brain drain problem we're facing nowadays. Face it, unless we somehow find oil on Pedra Branca or something, working and living in Singapore is always going to be a helluva fight. That alone is already causing brain drain. When you add on the effects of what I've been talking about so far in this post, emigration numbers are just gonna fly through the roof when the time comes, and brain drain is going to become an even bigger problem than it already is.

-----------------------------------------------------

Funny how the post jumped from one thing to another. To summarize and clarify, I feel very strongly against the bandwagon-ers, and see their antics, if not curbed as they grow up, as being potentially fatal to Singapore's hopes of long-term survival as an independent nation (long-term as in, like, for 100 years or more. As it is I don't think we could survive another 50, in all seriousness). On the brain drain subject I'm actually quite neutral, as I was speaking from a logical standpoint the whole time.

Of course, all that I've said could probably not actually happen, and Singapore could very well thrive well into its hundreds. All I'm saying is, all this COULD happen, and signs do point towards it. As for measures to stop it, well, I have none except for the bandwagon-ers to, to put it colloquially, wake up their ideas and start having some serious, rock-steady opinions for once, opinions which aren't so easily swayed by big events or whatnot.

So, to repeat (this is actually something like a disclaimer, haha), all I've said could be totally wrong, but seeing how things are going, they could be totally right too. This is my opinion, and my commentary, of how things are. Whether or not they turn out right or not, will be seen as time goes by.

2008-09-23T22:08:00.006+08:00

Billy Joel - A Minor Variation

Some days I have to give right in to the blues
Despite how I try to keep fightin'
It's a sure shot I'm going to lose
And I'll tell you why
You think I'm crazy
It's such a sad composition
But can you blame me
For what's been causing my bad disposition?
Ain't nothing new with my blue situation
And nothing's fine, it's just a minor variation

When troubles want to find me, I ain't hard to find
They know where I am
Like a hungry pack of wolves when it's feeding time
They tear up a man
And it's a strange thing
"Cause now it don't really matter
More of the same thing
Don't even hurt it's been part of the pattern
But still in all it's a small consolation
I just define it as a minor variation

Ain't now way to fight 'em darling
Ain't no way around 'em baby
Ain't now way to take 'em honey
Nowhere to hide and believe me
I've tried to shake 'em

I'm getting to the point where
I don't feel the pain
And I've had enough
I'm ready for the next time it hits me again
"Cause I've gotten tough
It doesn't faze me
And now I've made my decision
I may be crazy
It's not as though I don't know that condition
Until I'm through with this blue situation
Pass me the wine, it's just a minor variation

Ain't nobody's business, baby
Ain't nobody's worry darlin'
Ain't nobody's problem
No way to win when you've already been forgotten

And it's a strange thing
"Cause now it don't really matter
More of the same thing
Don't even hurt, it's a part of the pattern
Until I'm through with this blue situation
Pass me the wine, it's just a minor variation

How... suitable, eh?

2008-09-21T10:56:00.002+08:00

Some... stuff has been happening/happened in my household. I won't be going into it in detail, but it's not good stuff obviously, as you can probably tell from my tone.

My brother... Sigh. I don't know man. Maybe he needs help or something.

Anyway, it's funny what I get angry at and what I don't. Usually, if you were being screamed at unreasonably you'd be fixing for a fight already, wouldn't you? Oddly enough, for me that depends on the situation itself. I can be screamed at unreasonably and yet come out of it bemused at best, unaffected at worst. And this is coming from the person who almost always rages when his internet fails on him. Doesn't quite make sense, does it, being more angry at trivial things than at the serious ones?

Maybe it's because I'm just totally apathetic with human beings in general. It's so easy to read some of them, and it's actually painfully simple (most of the time) to see the motivations behind some of their actions.

Nowadays nothing surprises me anymore. What might be an incredible reaction from someone to another person usually is only confirmation of my theories of how that particular person functions on an emotional level; consequently, this means I more or less expect everything. And when you expect things it's very difficult to be affected very much by them, whether they're good or bad things.

This takes away much of the magic of life, I think. But as I've said before, I prefer boring ol' knowledge and understanding over going on an emotional roller-coaster whenever something of the sort happens.

Stability and rationality are what I want. I'm not the kind of person who delibrately throws himself into shitty situations just for the 'adventure'. To me, such people are just fucking stupid retards. I know I swear alot and it's difficult to tell when I'm being serious and when I'm not, but believe me when I say that I mean the words 'fucking stupid retards' in the their most degrading forms.

And before you start thinking 'How can there be such stupid people in the world? You're talking out of your ass Winston', believe you me, there are people like that. People who just make life difficult for others, the people who care about them. Selfish pricks.

So I end off on a somewhat angry note. In reality I'm not really angry, although my views are mostly based on events in my personal life. I'm beyond being really very angry at people already. You never can underestimate the stupidity of human beings, after all.

2008-09-14T20:47:00.002+08:00

Too long.

But nothing to say.

Kinda sucks.

Especially since I like writing.

Oh well.

GTA!

2008-09-03T01:07:00.002+08:00

Into a new month and the next century of posts. Year's coming to an end pretty soon eh? Seemed to have just passed in the blink of an eye.

It's weird, I slept real late last night (cos of GTA), around 3 or so, and had to wake up at 8 this morning for work, but I was surprisingly cheerful for someone who hasn't had enough sleep. Don't even know why, but the mood lasted pretty much the whole day, and even though, by dinnertime, fatigue was banging on the door, I remained quite happy.

That's not to say I'm emo usually (nothing could be further from the truth), but I'm not usually so cheerful for extended periods of time.

I had a somewhat serious topic to blog about, but I think I'll leave it to another time. Pretty tired now, plus I'm abit too cheerful to write a 'serious' post properly. My mood's being further helped along by another song by Led Zep that I just found, How Many More Times. It's amazing. I think I'm all about blues-y rock now. Perhaps this is what's really MY kind of music. Good mixture of happiness and sorrow (plus everything in between) and raw emotion, all expressed through what really is some amazingly written songs. Just about everything I like in music.

(I'll expand on the 'running the whole gamut' thing about the music I like some other time)

So I'll leave you guys with a 'video' of the song (really just a static picture with the song playing; I haven't found a good live version yet). Just click play, sit back, close your eyes, and receive a gift from the gods of music. Hope you guys enjoy the same things I do about the song!

2008-08-31T01:49:00.002+08:00

Post number 200... And what better way to celebrate this milestone than with the good news that I've finally arrived in the current generation of console gaming with the Xbox 360!

Yep, got it today at Comex (the IT show going on at Suntec), along with Gears of War (which came with the package) and, the one game no one in their right mind should ignore, GTA IV. Haven't touched Gears of War yet but that's no fault of its own; GTA is just too damn awesome.

So many little additions! So much more realism now! And still with the same brand of humour! To be honest, I thought more realism would mean a slight decrease in the humour, but I'm more than happy to say that I'm totally wrong and the amount (and type) of humour is still in abundance.

It's hard to describe really how I'm feeling about this game, but 'absolutely batshit insane happy about it' would be an understatement. I suppose it helps that my brother wanted to play (he's doing so now) and I'm forced to be kept in anticipation. It simply won't do for me to burn out too fast, especially not with this great game.

Gonna be looking out for more games now! So excited hahahaha

Anyway, in other matters, it's my holidays now, and I'm once again helping out at my mum's shop for some extra money. Got about 1 1/2 months of holidays ahead of me, and I'm sure most of you know how good it feels to know that you've got shitloads of free time to do whatever you want in your hands. I'm just feeling real happy right now, heh.

I was so tired at the end of the work day, but now I'm just filled with so much anticipation of playing GTA that I don't know if I can fall asleep! Haha, just gotta try my best.

Night guys!

2008-08-19T00:15:00.002+08:00

16 days since my last update. Really long, yes, but it still can't beat that one time I posted like, only 2 times in a whole month, haha. Think that was in November last year or something, I can't remember.

I DO have stuff to say, but am really just too damn tired to do so right now. I don't know what it is, but I just have the urge to want to talk right now, to just pour out some stuff. Nevertheless, I really don't have the energy to do so at the moment.

It is kind of a waste, as, well, you know the way my mind works. Writing when inspiration hits and letting it guide me and all that jazz. At the moment it isn't so much inspiration as it is just a feeling of wanting to blabber on and on about a few select topics.

Odd thing is, I'm not even really all that sure what the topics are! Maybe it's just a want/need to taaaaaalllkkkk.

FOM's down. PACC and Econs to go, with PACC probably fucking screwed. I don't even care anymore, really. Fatigue is catching up with me again and at the moment I'm just so goddamn apathetic about everything that it can't be good for my mental well-being. All I care about now is getting these exams over with so I can finally take a long, well-deserved break.

We'll see if I still have the want/need to blabber 2 days from now. I just might, cos I'll have the PACC monkey off my back by then. Wish me luck dudes, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need it.

2008-08-03T11:17:00.004+08:00

Post 198. Closing in on 200. I probably would've surpassed that milestone ages ago if I updated on a more regular basis, but I prefer quality over quantity =)

Things have been rough recently. I've been down in the dumps due to one reason or another. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that, sometimes it's this AND that, etc etc. Quite a few to choose from and then there are the many permutations of those.

I haven't fully recovered from all these knockbacks yet. I'm still very sore, and still not feeling up to much. I have to say though, life (God?) works in mysterious ways.

As some of you might know, music does for me what (usually) people do; accompanying me when I'm feeling good, comforting me when I'm down, and so on. I was running out of 'fresh' material a couple of weeks ago, when I wasn't feeling so morose. And now, when the shit's hitting the fan, I get my 'fix'. I've had these songs for some while now but I never got round to exploring them till recently, and hell, did I pick the right time to do so.

Led Zeppelin is the band that's been helping me through this period. I'm the sort of person that, when faced with problems, would rather delve into them and go into the root of the matter and really just engulf myself in the sadness as a way of solving them. Most other people prefer to forget about things, or find some cheerful side to it, or some other such methods. I really don't know why I prefer my method. Maybe I need to fully face the sadness before I can move on.

Whatever the case may be, Led Zeppelin's more blues-y songs have really helped me out the past few days. I use the term 'blues-y' very lightly, because the songs express something bordering on depression. In other words, REAL sadness. To be able to just get lost in the music they make and just pouring my heart out helps alleviate much of the pain.

Isn't it ironic then, that I got their album from the one person who has done more damage to my spirit than any other person or thing in my short life so far? In many ways the timeline of events was almost that of a successful rock band; you begin small-time, making a name for yourself in some small circles. You move on to being a full-time band, and come up with your first album which goes up high in music charts around the world. You follow that up with a successful world tour which also has its fair share of stories of decadence and debauchery. Your second album is also a success, albeit less so. The third doesn't do so well, and egos in the band start to clash. Eventually the band members seperate, citing 'Artistic Differences', but really things are more personal than that.

That's what happened. Bell curve. Normal friends, then the closest of pals, then the introduction of something I like to call my heart. Differences too big to brush off came next, followed by feelings of betrayal when the shit really hit the fan. Anger and disappointment rounded things off as the two parties parted ways which was 'for the best'. Now all that's left is bitterness.

... Some of my closer friends will know who I'm talking about. She herself should know it's her. What a journey that was. To put things kindly, it taught me alot of things. To not put things kindly, it fucked me up and made me a broken person.

Then again, I wouldn't give the current me up for anything in the world, so in a really weird, roundabout way, I owe her.

Life. Funny thing, eh?

p.s To those not so familiar with the, uh, story: No, we were never a couple. I can see how that might be construed from what I wrote above, but no, we were just friends. Just wanted to clarify things.

2008-07-29T19:00:00.003+08:00

My laptop crashed on me.

That pisses me off in so many ways I can't even count them, but the saddest thing of the whole situation is that I think it triggered off a chain reaction. Everything that had/has been bothering me in recent times suddenly reared their heads all at once and now I feel so shitty again.

So. Goddamn. Fatigued. I don't just need a good night's rest, I need a whole fucking holiday. I've been running on empty for so long now it's amazing that I'm still functioning properly.

I really need to be able to sleep for however long I want, everyday, with no repercussions. I really need to be able to play WoW the whole day, everyday, with no repercussions. I really need to be able to lie down on the sofa in the living room and watch HBO movie after HBO movie without any repercussions. I want to be able to have a carefree life, for awhile at least.

School's running me into the ground, slowly but very surely. Exams coming up too, so that adds to the shitty feeling.

I need a girl. To talk to, nothing else. Sounds odd, I know, but really that's one of the things I need now. Girls provide viewpoints and words that are very different from guys' opinions, and sometimes those different viewpoints hit the nail on the head. I need that now.

I also need one more thing. It's an intangible thing; non-physical in nature. But that's a private matter so I won't be talking about it.

I'm running out of fuel.

2008-07-26T10:22:00.002+08:00

Well, had a nice day yesterday.

To 'celebrate' the end of a hectic few weeks of tests and projects, Boon, Ying Wei and I went out for a nice dinner before watching The Dark Knight at Shaw Towers.

Something has to be said about the sheer emptiness of the theater. I think there were only 20 people in the whole theater. Although abit eerie, it made the whole experience feel like a private screening. Well, almost, anyway. Hahahaha.

About the movie... It was brilliant. The pacing was great, the theme was great, the story was pretty damn good, the acting was great... I could go on, but you can see where I'm coming from by now, can't you?

The only 'worry' now is just exactly HOW are they going to replace Heath Ledger. He delivered a masterful performance. His talking style, the way his eyes moved, the way he walked... all very convincing. Joker is a hell of a villain to portray, but he nailed it, no doubt about it. I wonder if what I heard about him locking himself up in a room to drive himself insane just to be in character is true. Quite a... rumour eh?

I'm not gonna go on too much about this next part, but I have to say that the mind is such a powerful thing. Whether you're a hunky bodybuilder or a scrawny nerd, the mind still is the one thing that controls you. I only bring this up because watching the movie made me think about Joker again, one of the most masterfully thought out villains in the history of comics.

Insanity... obviously it's not a good thing, but I think that it's, in a sense, important to keep in touch with your insane side. The part that sometimes conjures thoughts of ultra-violence or torture or anything like that. Of course, insanity involves more than just the hurting of others, and studying the whole thing would be very interesting indeed.

When I'm alone and have the proper materials (music, actually), I like to just mold my thoughts according to the music. It's very... liberating, to be able to feel everything a human is capable of feeling, using just music. You get happy, sad, angry, vengeful, jealous, lonely, disappointed and whatever else, just by softening the normal way your mind thinks and letting yourself be guided by the music. It's my destress method. Can't say its failed me so far.

Hm. I seem to have let my thoughts just fly free again. Having to stick to one topic matter can be quite difficult sometimes, especially since I just love to go free when I write. I can, but then it would just make the process 'work', and not something I enjoy. I think I'll stop here then. Watch The Dark Knight if you haven't already done so. You won't be disappointed.

p.s. Just thought of an idea. Those of you who know how I sound like, trying reading my posts as if I were talking. Use a low, confident, serious yet humourous sort of voice with a mix of an American and a British accent and you're there. Not easy, but when done right, the effect is the one that I've always been trying to do.

2008-07-23T21:11:00.003+08:00

Wow. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I agreed so much on an opinion but couldn't voice my approval. But definitely, I agree 100%.

Anyway, back to blog proper. It's been a hard few days, tests and projects. I'm just glad I can now take a breather, it's been that hectic.

On the good news side of things, I managed to maintain a 100% record in Stats. 100 for the first test (which everybody SHOULD get full marks for, what with the unlimited number of tries we had), and 100 for the second test. It feels great to have this perfect record, although the feeling is somewhat cheapened by the fact that quite a number of people (in the whole course) have this perfect record too. Still, that doesn't take much away from the achievement, haha.

FOM presentation today was... well, quite alright. I should and could have done better, but overall I'm still quite satisfied. Some of the marks awarded to some of the people in the class are questionable, however. I for one certainly feel Ranson deserved more; he was clear, concise, and consistent. I don't know what more you can ask for. Well, hope everything works out as they should.

Let's see, anything else? Oh yeah, my brother's back from his study trip/holiday in Europe. Got me some nice stuff, a Euro 08 T-shirt and a Man Utd scarf. He's also grown fatter and has let his hair grow out, hahaha. While I can't say that I've really missed him while he was gone (it's just the way I am, plus the fact that I've been crazy busy in recent times), it feels great to have him back. In many ways he is the 'balance' in my life. Equal portions of all things, that's what he provides. He always looks to have a laugh and enjoy life, but when it's crunch time, it would be hard to find someone more serious about the job at hand.

To think that we used to fight all the time. He changed after being called up for National Service. Don't know what it was that changed him, but ever since then we've been the best of pals. We share, on most counts, the same taste in music. We both love GTA. We're able to talk to each other about all sorts of things, and most of the time we're on the same wavelength.

Back when I was less mature, he also used to be the connection between me and my parents. He saw both sides of the coin, and managed things brilliantly, finding a common ground between the two sides. For that, I really have to thank him.

I could go on and on, really. There's just so many things to say about my relationship with my brother. It's been an interesting journey of events thus far, and long may it continue.

I'll end off with this song by Led Zeppelin, called Dazed and Confused. Don't know if the majority of you would be able to identify with the emotion that I think this song is supposed to give off, that of the angry drunk. You know, like someone who starts to complain about everything that he's been keeping inside him all the while once the drink has thrown all his inhibitions out the window. It's a brilliant song, a great tool to channel anger and frustration with.

This was the best live version of the song I could find, and it is interesting to see the innovation with the violin bow. The raw emotion involved, however, is the main draw for me. Enjoy, and au revoir for now.

Led Zeppelin - Dazed And Confused

Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
Soul of a woman was created below

You hurt and abuse tellin' all of your lies
Run around sweet baby, Lord how they hypnotize
Sweet little baby, I don't know where you've been
Gonna love you baby, here I come again

Every day I work so hard, bringin' home my hard earned pay
Try to love you baby, but you push me away
Don't know where you're goin', only know just where you've been,
Sweet little baby, I want you again

Been dazed and confused for so long, it's not true
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you
Take it easy baby, let them say what they will
Will your tongue wag so much when I send you the bill?

2008-07-21T20:40:00.003+08:00

Just a quick one here. I couldn't resist:

You're not there yet mate. Don't get ahead of yourself, eh?

Cheers.

2008-07-16T18:49:00.002+08:00

I feel like hell right now.

Just... So sapped of confidence... So tired.

I don't even really know what it is that's making me feel this way.

Maybe it's the fact that my PACC is fucking screwed unless I can ace the semestral exam.

Maybe I'm feeling the effects of loneliness, which does hit me from time to time.

Maybe the bad parts of having only a few friends is killing me. Not that I'll change my principles, but it seems to be eating me up from the inside out at the moment.

Maybe it's a combination of all the above factors and the fact that I've still got alot of things that I have to deal with.

I'm tired, so tired. Not just physically, but also mentally. I need someone to be able to just talk me through this period. Sadly, only two people I know have just what I need, and both are busy in one way or another.

I don't know man. I just feel like hell right now.

Bloody Hell.

2008-07-13T01:43:00.002+08:00

I logged on twice before now only to log off again, simply because I didn't feel anything. Of course, I'm talking about the, uh, inspiration to write. When I update for the sake of updating, unless it's something that I really wanted to talk about, it feels empty. First time I logged on, it was like that, empty. 2nd time, I lost the tiny spark I had. And here we are at number 3.

Well, I attended AMKSS's Awards Nite yesterday night. As some of you might remember, I managed to somehow get top in the level for Combined Humanities (SS & History). Up till now I'm still quite surprised (even a little incredulous) at the fact that I actually managed to win this award.

While receiving the award was all very nice, I still have to comment on the poor organisation of the whole event. Powerpoint slide screwups, a guest of honour who couldn't be half-arsed to prepare his speech (and he couldn't improvise either), horrible ushers (they actually had to ask my mum where she was going when she wanted to use the loo. For crying out loud, can't a person use the goddamn toilet without being interrogated?!), a very poorly planned itinerary and my old pet peeve, emcees WHO CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH PROPERLY AND TRY TO MAKE UP FOR IT BY SLANGING AND ENDING UP MISPRONOUNCING THE SIMPLEST OF WORDS. Someone should tell them that by adopting such a 'tactic', they only make themselves look like fools rather than more professional. Fucking retards.

Maybe it's not just this school (bias would play a part in my opinion then) that commits such mistakes, but I have to say some things about it. Besides a few teachers and the school band, there really isn't anything special about AMKSS. While that's all fine and dandy, the fact that they actually think they're something they aren't just makes it all so unbelievably laughable. Organising big events, trying to be big players, but messing up all the little details and really showing themselves up for what they really are: Wannabes.

If you want to make a splash with a big event, make sure everything goes off without a hitch. Sure, some on-the-spot problems just can't be prevented, but you sure as hell had better expect the unexpected. Contingency plans and alternatives must and should be thought of. It's all cool thinking of the big picture, but if you neglect the little details in the process, you just shot yourself in the foot, my friend.

Maybe that's what I detest so much about the school. It's such a big wannabe that it's embarrasing. I'm not saying that it shouldn't have aspirations to bigger and better things, but for fuck's sake, at least plan each event throughly! It would reflect better if one big event went off without a hitch rather than to have 5 big events but each and every one of them was plagued by numerous minor flaws.

Tsk. Even the most impressive buildings in the world are made of small, single bricks. If you can't be bothered to ensure that the bricks are solid enough, the building's going to fall no matter how beautiful the architecture is. Think about that.

Anyway, rant over. It's hard to believe that now I've actually got two, uh, awards from my time in AMKSS. There's this one, and the other one is the little obelisk-like thing I got from last year's band dinner. Nothing much to say on the band front, I think it's a nice little token and while I went through much in my 4 years in the band, I can glean many positive lessons from it. Not so the school. I laugh at the irony that they have just presented a prize to one of the people who feel so strongly against them.

You know, I think I might have come off as being somewhat arrogant when I received my prize. Most, if not all, of the other prize winners took a bow after receiving their awards; I just walked down and went back to my seat. I don't see the point of thanking a hall of people, almost all of whom I don't know, for something that I earned. I'm not ungrateful though, and I have to thank a handful of teachers, either for their teaching or for the way they helped me, indirectly, to keep faith in my own ideals. Mrs Lai, for one, with her no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point style, but with a touch of care and concern. And, she recognised talent when she saw it.

(Note that I'm not tooting my own horn. Besides me, she also recognised the talents of, for example, Hui Shan and Shi Kai)

I'm not going to go on thanking teachers, no. That was just an example. Anyway, I believe there were more than just a few in the audience who probably never thought they'd see me win such an award. Maybe even one or two (close friends will know who I'm talking about) who probably wished that I would never be recognised for my abilities. The arrogance, that was for them. Obviously I couldn't show them the 'up yours' signal or anything like that, so I hope that they might be able to intrepret correctly what I meant with my demeanour.

Anyway, I really do feel that I've been blessed with the power of the written word. I'm still far from polished, definitely, but I think that it's something to work towards. I do enjoy writing, and being able to notice and enjoy all the nuances of the language makes me feel that English is more than just a medium for people to convey their thoughts and feelings. It is an art.

I currently have very rough ideas for a story... It's quite embarrasing actually, spelling this out, haha. I think I'll be starting on it soon, if only to capitalize on the inspiration thing. Very busy few weeks ahead, what with tests, projects and then soon after, exams to come. I can't wait for the holidays. I've been suffering burnout recently, and I think I really need a long holiday to recharge my batteries. But at the moment that's just wishful thinking.

Time to get my head down and keep pushing again. Wish me luck, haha.

2008-06-30T21:31:00.007+08:00

Whelp! The day after I said I had nothing to post about, I suddenly get some ideas. I'll just jump straight in:

What I see around me is alot of people who hide their true characters for one reason or another, but mostly to fit in. It sure seems like most people's true personality is a turn-off for other people. Perhaps it's just a matter of not being selfish. Perhaps they really do have putrid personalities and know that they have to hide them. Who knows?

This is why I find it very refreshing when I meet people who are very honest with themselves, staying true to their inner selves. It's a very rare thing to see such people, so unabashedly true to themselves. Sadly, most of the time such people are misunderstood. I think I'm one of them, but that's off-topic.

I'm gonna be talking about an 'example' here. A comic character, actually, so this might all seem a tad bit removed from reality.

Nowadays, with the success of the film franchise, almost everybody knows about Spiderman. What's his name, what's the motto he lives by, who brought that motto to his mind in the first place etc etc. Well, sometimes this sheer commercialisation of the Spiderman character irks me to no end. People don't understand him (it?) well enough.

All they see in the movies is a teenager upon whom has been thrust this amazing power and all the responsibilities that go with it, on top of the topsy-turvy world of teenage life. That's accurate, yes, when checked with the more historically-established storyline of the comic books ('The Amazing Spiderman', 'Peter Parker Spiderman' etc etc), but those happened a long time ago. I used to religiously pick up issue after issue of a Spiderman comic at a newsstand near my old house, way back when I was still in Primary School. Still got em all, in fact (They're all really tattered though haha).

Last I read, (long time ago, remember) Peter had long since married Mary Jane, and they lived with Aunt May. They never had children due to various problems, almost all villian-based. The point here is, Spiderman is a way more mature person than in the movies, facing problems waaaay beyond the context of a teenager's life.

(On a sidenote, I don't like the fact that the Green Goblin was the first villian in the franchise. He's quite possibly the villian who has done the most psychological damage to Spidey, killing his first girlfriend and being responsible for the kidnapping of Aunt May amongst other things. He should've been somewhere down the line, as a true antagonist. But then I suppose you can't really fit such cerebral content into a movie aimed at an audience who just want action and some semblance of a storyline.)

Anyway, going back to the topic I began this post with. With people seeing the need to wear masks when facing other people, it's very refreshing to see a character so completely uncaring about the welfare of his target. Yes, I'm talking about a fictional character here, but then it still is nice to be able to channel your rage fully but without hurting anyone in real life. Who am I talking about here?

Venom.

Personally I feel that he is THE Spiderman villian. There are so many contrasting motivations to his character that it really is very interesting to try and guess what goes through his mind, a whole jumble of maniacal and shrewd thoughts, all in one mind.

Venom was poorly portrayed in Spiderman 3. Look at the actor who played him! When an actor's only notable point in his career thus far is playing a character loved/laughed at for his utter loser-ness (Eric Foreman from That 70's Show), he SHOULD NOT be playing such a complicated villian. That's not to say he can't act in a Spiderman movie. Cast him as Shocker, for all I care. BUT DEFINITELY NOT VENOM.

Anyone who's followed Venom's path of destruction will know that while he has superhuman strength and is completely insane in the head (he'll do just about anything to kill Spidey), he's still able to think out intricate plans in his quest to take Spidey's life. In short, he's a master serial killer, only police guns and bullets won't even scratch this mad mutha. And that, is masterful character development and story-telling.

He's even worked with Spidey a few times against a greater evil (Carnage, for one). Don't take it as a sign of weakness, he just wants to be able to be the very person who takes Spidey's last breath. Parker's death is not enough for him; it must be at his own hands.

Anyway, as time goes on Eddie Brock (the host of the symbiote) becomes less and less obsessed with killing Peter/Spidey, but of course the symbiote wants to carry on. And there we see yet another change in the character of Venom: Single-minded in his quest to kill Spidey, yet reluctantly being dragged along for the hunt at the same time.

It's all really mind-boggling, and sometimes, just rarely, I wish I could rage as only Venom can, striking fear so deep in people. His cerebral side makes him an all the more intriguing character. And no one will ever portray him justifiably. No one but a maniac could.

------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, done with that. I have alot of ideas that I wasn't able to put into words properly, so I left them out. I'm none too pleased with the structure and flow either, but the main point here was to talk about, well, Venom.

So, quite displeased with the writing.

Anyway, I didn't mean to come off as a total comic-nerd, haha, but I suppose that's another of my favourite pastimes.

Shall end here then =)

2008-06-29T21:01:00.002+08:00

Been just about over a week since I posted, hasn't it?

Well, there isn't much to post about. Nothing of late has triggered any form of need to write.

That's not to say nothing has happened recently, but then it's kind of boring. Just that I had my written CA2 papers the week gone by. The PACC paper was more complicated than it should have been, and I think most everybody was caught out by it. Not happy about it because I think I deserve more for the work I put into that subject. Econs was the next paper, and I think generally it was alright. Might have chosen poorly for some questions, but I hope that I'm either a) right, or b) going to get some marks for my explanation, as I think that I got the explanation parts quite well. ITAB next, and this was the paper that I never really thought of doing well for anyway. Did enough to pass, I guess/hope. Lastly, Stats. Simple enough, but there were one or two trick questions that I hope I got correct.

So you see, that's been all really. Normal school lessons restart tomorrow, and I'm sorta glad for it. I like a normal school day, you know? Everything just feels so comfortable. I think I like routines that I'm comfortable with. Not a good attribute when thrown into unfamiliar waters, but I get along and adapt, albeit not being at my best most of the time.

Gah this post is so inane and boring. When there's nothing to write about this is what happens.

On a sidenote, I only recently noticed that I've, funnily enough, ended my last four posts with a smiley of one sort or another. I don't use emoticons that much so to do so for four consecutive posts is sorta out of the normal line of things.

I'm gonna end here. You KNOW I've got nothing in the inspiration tank when the most interesting thing I can write about is 'using smileys'. Hahaha =)

ps. There I go again!

2008-06-21T01:05:00.006+08:00

I actually have several things to blog about, each of them potentially long! Don't know whether to split them up or what, it feels kinda weird lumping all of them together. I'll just start with the mundane, I suppose.

Did some more studying today. I've been really staggering my studying over the past few days. Like, an hour of work, an hour of game, an hour of TV, half-hour of work, another hour of game etc etc. Total accumulated study time isn't that much, but at least I think I've done enough. It's still hard to gauge though, since I have no benchmark whatsoever. The papers I have coming up will be the first written tests I've taken so far in poly, so I don't know what to think.

On the one hand, looking at past year papers and working them out (there are answer keys provided), things look ridiculously easy at times. However, because of the 'no benchmark' thing, I really don't want to be overconfident. Clash of two extremes, it's all really confusing. I guess I'll just do more studying to just really ensure that I'll get good enough grades. Got 2 more days to go before the first paper, and there's alot of time left in the days to study for the subsequent papers as well, so I'll have ample time to get myself really prepared. Cross fingers, wish me luck!

Okay, that's that topic done with. Of the two things I have left that I feel like blogging about, 1 is of reminiscence, and the other will let readers see a side of me that most have not; I'm going to be an absolute goddamn fanboy.

What's to be fanboyish about? Her:

Who's this, you ask. Grace Park, an actress whose highest-profile work to date is in the wildly successful sci-fi series, Battlestar Galactica (if you have any inkling of sci-fi, this show should not be alien to you), where she plays one (2 actually, but I won't go into the details, too complicated) of the main characters.

Seriously, look at her, and I dare any straight male to not just melt. Not in a lusty way, mind you. In a purely 'admiration' way.

When I first saw her I was struck dumb, I'm not kidding. For awhile all I could manage was to stare dumbfounded at the TV screen. I suppose it helps that the character(s) she plays has some very complicated motivations, all very different from each other. Makes her character very... human. Very attractive.

Once again, I dare any straight male to not just fucking melt when they look at her. It's a combination of just about everything that I find attractive in girls. Amazing man, freakin' amazing.

Ok, moving on to the last thing now. The inspiration for this portion came about 2 days ago.

For effectiveness' sake, I've been studying in the living room. I find I'm less easily distracted in the living room than I am in my room, even though I have my laptop with me and cable tv's just a button press away. Don't know what it is, but yea. Anyway, during one of my study breaks, I flipped through the channels on TV before settling on the Disney Channel, where they were airing the Tarzan movie.

This, coupled with an airing of that (relatively) ol' classic Aladdin just a day later, made me long so much for the days when Disney animated movies were really that magical. Not to diss the animated movies they produce nowadays in conjuction with Pixar, but I still feel that the old cartoons really pulled at the heartstrings of viewers, young and old. Nowadays, all the animated movies, while still enjoyable, seem more interested in providing laughs and action rather than to take the audience on an emotional journey. For example, I dare anyone to watch the 'Whole New World' portion (the one where Aladdin and Jasmine are taking a ride on the carpet and they sing the song) and not feel touched. Compare that to, say, the movie Cars. Impossible, isn't it? There's just no comparison!

It's things like this that make me reminisce so much about my childhood. It was a much simpler time, one where the magical moments were truly magical, and almost nothing you did or received had any strings attached.

Of course, I'm just clutching at straws here. There are many things I know now that I would rather not give away, even if I could have my innocence back. Verily, ignorance is bliss. Nevertheless, I believe more strongly in another proverb: Knowledge is Power. I'd rather know and be cynical (yet still hopeful), rather than blissfully unaware of everything.

Ah, but for those days again. Oh well, there's always Grace Park. LOL JUST KIDDING.

=D

2008-06-15T18:31:00.002+08:00

It's been said that some of my posts can get very long. Well, I like it that way.

I feel that it might be a subconscious reaction to the fact that I'm cynical about so many things in life. I'm sure most, if not all, of you guys know what I feel about the state of the world, how screwed up it is and all that.

It'd be impossible to have the will to continue living if all I had were these cynical thoughts. We all need our escapes from the realities of life, and mine are music (mostly listening, sometimes playing) and, well, writing. Therefore, obviously I indulge myself whenever I do either.

That's the reason for my (sometimes) long-as-hell posts, as well as why sometimes I ignore people when I have my iPod earphones in my ears. There are some songs you just cannot skip; it'd be doing it an injustice.

I also think the summary portion of english comprehension papers are partially to blame for my posts sometimes being so long. Summaries are a fantastic metaphor for the world, preferring concisement and constriction over creativity, and the chance for one to express oneself fully. A by-product of being forced to cramp my writing for so long is letting my creative juices just flow as much as I want whenever I get the opportunity, whether that be in blog posts, compositions or any other form of writing.

Sometimes things just need their space to grow. And when space is afforded to me for my writing, I take full advantage of it.

Anyway, sometimes things need to be long for the full creativity to be appreciated. Once again it's a matter of of not cramping something that needs space to fully realise its potential. A piece of music designated to be three movements would, at the very least, sound weird if compressed to fit into one, for example. Worse, it could be ruined by the compression.

So many things have to be controlled in life. It's only right that some other things are left unfettered, right?

:)

2008-06-12T04:05:00.002+08:00

It's 4.05am. And to think I said 2.50am was an ungodly hour to be updating, haha.

The only reason I'm still up is the fact that I had a nap in the afternoon and now I'm wide awake. There really isn't much to do at this hour and besides, I felt like updating.

Holidays have been enjoyed so far, but I gotta start studying soon. I'm a serial procrastinator, and this habit will kill me if I don't learn to kick it, and soon. That said, most of the stuff I have to study seems pretty simple, I should be fine with most of it with a week's worth of solid studying.

I have my headphones on at the moment, with Liquid Tension Experiment rocking away. They really do produce some beautiful music, both extremely technical yet also amazingly musical at the same time. It's not difficult to find very technical bands (Racer X, for one), nor is it very difficult to find musically appealing and accessible music (pop songs, rock songs etc) but it's very difficult to find bands which produce a well-blended mixture of the two. So far LTE and Dream Theater (both bands are related, check wikipedia to see what I mean) are the only bands I know who successfully mesh the two aspects together. I prefer LTE though, simply because they only produce instrumental music. It makes them have to convey messages and images via the medium of music only, no words involved. And by Jove, they do it really well.

Well, in other matters, I don't really know how to feel. Many times I look at all the aspects of the situation, as well as her character, and I don't think it fits me. I would not be able to satisfy her, in that sense. Of course, we're talking long-term here. I don't believe in flames which die out quick. That's why I think I should just be letting this one go.

Unless she gleaned some knowledge from that previous post of mine, she doesn't know it either. The fact that I like her, that is. I suppose it's a sign of the effect that last one had on me, that now I don't even want to throw myself in and chance my arm. All the logic stacks up and now I find myself deciding not to take the risk.

That said, I don't think I'll be fully giving up. Just waiting to see what develops. When it comes to a more definitive stage, then I'll make my decision.

Anyway, all this has made me think. Think about my love life and the future of it. Personally I don't think it's likely that I'll have any satisfaction on that front in my life. And before you start castigating me for being a pessimist, I'm not just saying that because of my poor track record. These words of mine come from the realization of my character, and what (usually) makes me tick. I hardly think any girl would be truly interested in a guy whose main interests either fall into the unappealing category (playing video games) or are reaaaalllyyy boring unless you like it (thinking life through, looking at the nuances and laughing at the ironies).

Most want someone fun, someone who can make them laugh and so on. I think I can make people laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty skewed, meaning most people don't laugh at the things I would laugh at. There's a slight sadistic, sarcastic streak to my brand of humour, and I enjoy jokes which make references to pop culture. Of course, I'm very capable of making lame jokes as well (anyone who has seen me with Marcus Leong can testify to this, haha), but they usually only work with him cos the jokes which are cracked contain at least a sliver of the aforementioned factors.

I'm not someone who enjoys the traditional idea of fun. Personally I find it to be too... Easy. That's one way to put it. Much the same way I choose to have only a handful of friends (but all of whom I trust fully), I choose only to have fun which does not encompass or deal with simple pleasures like group singing or dancing or whatever else. Cheap entertainment. They do serve their purpose, but no, not for me. I tend to sneer at such things.

Now, I don't mean to sound like a snob. I just don't like these kind of things, and the whole basis behind them. Perhaps I am wrong in the sense that I search for intermediate things immediately when it would be more appropriate or expected to be searching for the easy things first. But this just means I demand more, and I don't think that's a fault.

Oftentimes I appear as if I look down on people, but no, I almost never mean to. I just search for the more important things in potential friends, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. I don't really like messing around with things like small talk, although I know that is the key to 'success'. The end result: Few friends. But I like the fact that while I might only have a handful of friends, I can trust each and every one explicitly.

That's why sometimes I look at how some of my friends handle social situations and I tend to disapprove. But still, I do admire the way they are able to make themselves so easily approachable. It is a positive trait, for sure. I just personally don't believe in the underlying logic of it.

I don't mean to change anyone's belief in the matter at hand, neither am I slamming people who follow such ideals. I just state my own opinion. To each his own.

Anyway I seem to have veered off my original topic. Almost always happens. I tend to just go with the flow of ideas in my mind and while that makes for some enjoyable reads, sometimes I just fly off tangent and never come back.

So as I was saying... Yeah, I don't think many girls would be interested in a guy like me. Furthermore, all I have to sell on at the moment is the power of my character. No looks whatsoever, no siree, hahahaha.

While it's not a particularly preferred route, I think I would be able to survive without someone to call my own. The things which satisfy me... Far greater in proportion. Somehow I believe that, if I ever do find all the answers to all the questions I have, I might die immediately upon finding them. Purely because these questions are long-term affairs which can only be solved through experience and long (cumulated) hours of just turning the things over in my mind. It is a huge mystery, and I love it.

My mind. She do work in mysterious ways. :)

2008-06-07T02:50:00.002+08:00

It's currently 2.50am. Pretty ungodly hour to be updating, huh?

Well, had a long day of band practice. Sectionals, then full band. 7 hours in total. My lips haven't been this tender since... Well I think since the crazy days of SYF preparation.

Nevertheless, it feels nice. Not in a physical sense (my lips! omgwtfbbq), but it just feels nice to have paid my dues.

Once again I bring that up; paying my dues. I don't know, it just seems to be a thing with me, having to prove that I deserve whatever comforts I receive. Maybe it's cos things always come easy to me, even as a kid. My parents might have spoiled me a bit. I'm just thankful that I'm self-aware enough to realise the fact. It'd be a real tragedy if I accepted the 'spoiling' as the norm.

Anyway, practice was fruitful. Ever since I became SL in AMK, I never had time to practice. To be able to just concentrate on my playing again feels so damn refreshing. No baggage, no need to worry about other unnecessary things, JUST PLAY MUSIC. Feels awesome, it really does. It helps when there are tangible results from the practice too. You don't feel like you've wasted your energy banging your head into a wall. Came out of sectionals knowing my parts better and feeling more confident about it all.

Well, progress is also being made in WoW, but I shan't bore you guys with the details.

Suffice to say, life is pretty good to me at the moment. Got to start studying soon though. I shall start tomorrow!

Yeah, as if =P

2008-06-04T23:01:00.002+08:00

So I think I went off abit there. Don't know what it is but sometimes I make impulsive moves, even when I usually consider everything thoroughly.

Looks like no side effects occured, but I can't be sure about that. At least, things appear to not have changed in the least. With any luck, things really didn't change. I'll just keep plugging away.

Here's hoping, eh?

Well, in other matters, it's my holidays! Feels real good to be able to wake up late, and do whatever I want during the day. Of course there are some obligations to be fulfilled, like band practices and studying for my MSTs (Mid-Semester Tests), but I'll take these first few days to just chillax. Studying begins in earnest next week. Can't afford to get bad grades anymore now that everything counts towards my GPA. No more tests with no weightage, so I gotta work hard.

Band camp next week... I suppose I should go, considering the fact that this one actually consists of practices, and not just stupid ol' games. A serious camp is always good. Problem is, the first day of the camp coincides with my class' CIP day. Will ask my SL about possible solutions when I go for sectionals/practice this Friday.

Slowly but surely adjusting to Poly life. It's a world of wonderful possibilities, but with lots of obligations too. Interesting mix. At least it's not dreary, and thank the gods I'm actually learning stuff that applies to my possible career path. No more useless shit like the sciences. It's one of the reasons I chose Poly, to be honest. I look my at my brother working his arse off in university, and I remember him saying, and I quote, 'Of everything I learned in secondary school, all that's being used in my current work is probably only 10% of ONE subject'. If that isn't a waste of time I don't know what is.

So, decisions to be made, practices to be attended, schoolwork to be studied. Busy busy busy. At any rate, it's better than just sitting around with nothing to do, haha.

2008-06-02T09:40:00.001+08:00

John Lennon - Instant Karma! (We All Shine On)

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you're gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin' to do
It's up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin'
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin' at fools like me
Who in the hell d'you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev'ryone come on

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev'ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you're ev'rywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

We all shine on, indeed =)

2008-06-01T12:04:00.002+08:00

From sheer satisfaction to asking for more in the short span of 24 hours. Humans, the greediest of organisms.

If you're wondering where that's coming from, well, it's from my own feelings. By the time Friday ended I was feeling really good, as everything over the course of the week had worked out, and worked out well at that too. Then we got to Saturday and I began asking for more out of life again.

Various things made me feel... eh... Sort of neglected, under-appreciated. In the grand scheme of things I suppose I only have myself to blame for that, but at the same time it isn't my fault either. Being myself (specifically myself, not in a general term) in Ang Mo Kio just doesn't cut it. So I experienced the two extremes of what I felt (and still feel) about AMK in between Thursday and Saturday.

I wrote about what I felt on Thursday. Nostalgia, a feeling of being at home, a feeling of being at peace with oneself, etc etc. Then we come to Saturday and I felt myself becoming an alien again, an all too common feeling from years gone by. I say that I have myself to blame because the way I go about things, how I react to things and so on is not exactly accepted in AMK. In that sense, I am at fault. On the other hand, being myself is not actually wrong, because at the end of the day, I hurt no one, at least not intentionally. On top of that I gain a very good perspective on things. So, in this way it's far from being my fault that things are like that.

I suppose there is a reason why I prefer catching up with myself, rather than with friends when I go back to AMK. The culture clash is just too great for any friendships to be truly fulfilling for indefinite periods of time. I've made quite a number of friends in my time at AMK, and some of them are/were really close at that too, but then I count the number that have broken down for one reason or another and I think, 'What do friendships count for in this culture?'. It's not just me either. I've seen at least 2 or 3 seperate cases of people who were once the closest of friends become enemies. That's right, enemies. Not just 'I'll do my own thing and you do yours', but rather 'Fuck you, I'm gonna slit your throat'.

Do you know how sad it is to see such occurances? Nevertheless they seem to be normal enough for people not to make a big hoo-hah about it, and I'm perplexed by it all. Friendships are meant to be cherished, to be nurtured and to be coveted. Not to be thrown around like a rag, using it to clean up messes then just discarding it. Too wrong, just too wrong. It's all too goddamn wrong.

Anyway, to get back to the personal aspect of things, I suppose I lead a charmed enough life, in terms of the 'business' side of things, like my schoolwork and so on. However, when there's yin there must be yang, and I think the poor state of affairs that is my social life (in AMK at least) balances things out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not slating the AMKsians. All I'm saying is that my ways, while generally accepted in society as a whole, garner negative reviews from the AMK side of things. I'm not wrong, but then neither are they.

It's because of that last thought right there, that last sentence, that makes me sometimes just want to forget everything I went through in AMK, good and bad. I should never have gone there, but I did. And I survived. Most people would look at this and think 'What is wrong with you, AMK isn't that bad. It's you who's got the problem', and to a certain extent that is true. However, it isn't easy, in fact it's almost impossible, to appreciate the hurdles I had to overcome, the mountains I had to scale, to get to where I am now. And even then, it's not enough.

Even my friends in SP with me who came from TKSS where they never had to change their ideas on how to speak and how to act and are having some problems adjusting to life in Poly now at least still have each other and me to fall back on at the end of the day. I didn't have anyone throughout my time in AMK. I was stuck in the forest, on my own, with only my wits to guide me. Not easy.

I really don't know how I should feel on the subject. Not my fault, but also my fault. What a conundrum. The only consolation I have now is that I can slowly dissect the situation in my own time without having to live through it at the same time. It's easier that way.

Other things now. I'm writing what I'm writing here based on what I THINK is the situation. No hard evidence, no nothing to back me up, but I'm just gonna go on my gut feeling on this:

I'm sure you know how I feel. You're not stupid and besides, I haven't exactly made it very inconspicuous either. I do feel things for you, though I'm still apprehensive of throwing myself too deep in because of past experiences (especially the last one... that broke me). As such, I can't bring myself to fully say what I want to say. Heard of the phrase 'Once bitten, twice shy'? That applies to me, but with the added factor of the last bite being a criticial blow to my confidence in such matters. I find it immensely difficult to say what I want to say, for fear of of being bitten again. I know it sounds cowardly and weak, but the last one really broke me. It broke my spirit, it broke my belief in human life, it broke me, period. I've recovered alot of that since, with the help of friends and my own ability to pick myself up from the worst setbacks, but there's always going to be one piece that's missing and will not be found.

Therefore, it gets to the stage where I think too much, and have see-saw emotions on the subject. Sometimes I really want you, sometimes I don't. Blame my mind, it thinks too much. Blame the last girl, she crushed me. I don't know anymore.

I do know one thing though. I don't treat such relationships lightly, and I can swear that you will not be disappointed. But of course, that's only if you want it. Your call, I'm waiting for it.

If you still don't know who you are, never mind. If you don't want it, leave things be. Even a logical person like me needs intangible and illogical things like dreams.

---------------------

Okay, out of that now. My internet conked out on me though (I'm typing this post in my mum's office on my laptop, using the wireless here). Hope it fixes soon, the damn thing. Chose the perfect time to fail on me, ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY HOLIDAYS.

Nothing to be done but to wait for it to fix itself, or to call Singtel about it if it still doesn't work after tomorrow. What a pissoff.

Even I need my own impossible dreams.

2008-05-31T00:18:00.002+08:00

I began the week with a weary, pessimistic post. I'm very, very glad to be able to say that I'll be ending the week with an optimistic one =)

Everything fell into place so well. Now, I shan't reveal my beliefs over why everything worked out so well. Another superstition of mine, haha. But anyway, here's what happened:

Of course, first obstacle was the Marketing project (PBL). We aced it though, my group. Everything we did was spot on, we all spoke quite well... It was as close to perfection as you can get. Felt REAL good after our turn when our tutor spoke to us and said that we did everything well.

Second obstacle: EC (Effective Communication) makeup test. Now, most of you would probably be saying 'What're you worrying about, your English good what!' but nevertheless it was a hurdle I had to overcome. Was nervous before and kinda-sorta nervous during, but aced it as well. I gave the teacher an easy decision to make: an A grade, no question about it. Felt good, the way I breezed through it and met my own expectations effortlessly.

Third obstacle... I don't wanna go into it, too long and complicated, plus I think not many people would actually be able to appreciate how seriously I felt about the troubles. Band-related stuff, and they all worked out as well. No stone left unturned.

A bonus point to be taken from the week: I'm now recognised as THE public speaker, at least in my class. I've received endorsements from my CD (Character Development), FOM (Fundamentals of Marketing) and EC teachers that I'm a top-class speaker. I don't mean to brag, but it feels really nice to have something tangible to be proud of.

Other matters now. I went back to AMK on Thursday (yesterday) to just check out the band camp going on. Basically just followed BT around after dinner as he went to take the Junior Band. It was a real throwback to the past, hearing his voice giving instructions, hearing the Sec Ones playing (they're not too bad, to be honest)... Reminded me of a whole spectrum of things, including practices back when I was a Sec One, as well as practices in the hall... Even the fact that he requested all the fans to be off so as to not affect the sound. All little details that make me reminisce. Most seniors go back to look at their juniors and/or to catch up with their old section mates. I go back to, mainly, soak in the atmosphere, to remember old times. To catch up with myself.

Nothing beats that feeling, really. I went through Hell and Heaven in my time in AMKSS Band, and these little things were what made it all worthwhile.

Ah, nostalgia. 'Tis a powerful emotion.

2008-05-26T19:38:00.002+08:00

It's been a tiring and taxing few days. And that's an understatement.

I find myself now just willing the week to finish as soon as possible, just so I can finally get to my holidays. I haven't felt this bad about school for some time now, but the shit's just all piling up at the moment.

Uncertainty rears its ugly head again, as well as trepidation (over the FOM project), and of course we can never discount our old friend, fatigue.

There's just so many things I want to have over with at the moment, it's not even funny. And this is coming from someone who laughs at almost anything, so you know it's serious.

Many things of note have happened in recent times that I haven't had the time/energy to blog about. One, is that despite my extreme slackness in my studies in secondary school, I have managed to bag an award for my Combined Humanities and will be heading back to the ol' secondary school on the 11 July for Awards Night to receive my certificate or whatever it is they want to give me. This was as big a surprise for me as it would be for anyone, considering the standard (or lack thereof) of my studies in secondary school, but it's a pleasant one nevertheless. Looking forward to it =)

The other event which has happened recently is this: Recently, my school has been having a fair, a bazaar of sorts, with various 'pasar malam-ish' food being sold, as well as some other stuff like clothes and board games, amongst others. One of the main attractions though, is this palm reader man named Master Khor, who is offering his services at a discount for students of the school.

Like any other cynical, intelligent person, my first thought about this attraction was 'Hah, just for a laugh'. However, after watching him at work I believe that this guy is the real deal. It started when my friend decided to have his palm read for fun. There was a list of topics to choose from, and $20 would get you all the topics, while $10 would only get you two. My friend only had $10 to spare, so he went with the topics 'Love' and 'Career'.

As my friend was having his palm read I stood next to him, listening to everything this Master Khor fella said. Now, my friend being Boon, my best friend of 9 years, of course I knew some things about him that no one else knows. And, spookily enough, the palm reader got it all spot on. He wasn't being vague about his readings either; most of them were quite specific.

Seeing this happen, I decided to have my palm read too (same topics as my friend), and lo and behold, he was right on many counts again. Some of the things he mentioned about me were my cold exterior (and no, I did not show any form of coldness throughout or even when we were queuing up), but only because I'm very (maybe too much) observant, spotting all the little details in people. I also have a very good sixth sense , so he said that I should trust my instincts.

Another thing is that he said that I am very creative, and if I use my creativity right, I could do some really big stuff. However, if I misuse it, I could screw myself royally, so I gotta be careful there. He also said that I'm very logical (sometimes too much, again), and that I have what it takes to be a success in the future. Best of all, I have a kind soul =)

There are some things he said about the 'Love' part of his predictions that I'd rather not talk about; they're private to me and maybe only the ones I trust the most. As of now I've only told one person and I think it's gonna stay that way. He didn't pull any punches either; if there was something bad he'd say it. For example, he said that another of my friends is egoistical (he is, haha), that I'm tied down by loved ones, and that because he thinks too much about it (like me), my friend could possibly never get together with the girl he likes.

All in all, it was an interesting experience, to say the least. I'll definitely be following some of his suggestions; he was quite right about everything, why shouldn't I just go along with his suggestions? Besides, I have nothing to lose (the suggestions do not involve any sort of risk of any kind).

Well, one more week. I'm tired, very tired, and also quite weak emotionally due to various kinds of emotional beatings I've received lately. I'm just dragging myself across the finish line now.

Wish me luck.

2008-05-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

Some of you must be wondering why I haven't said a thing about Man Utd's amazing achievements this season. Why I did not say a thing after we won the Premier League on the last day of the season. Why I did not say a thing about making the Champions League Final for the first time since 1999. Well, the fact of the matter is, with the Premier League title going down to the last day, I was too nervous to say anything about it. And then, after we won that, I was too nervous for the Champions League to say anything about it. Now, after it's all done and dusted, I can finally talk about it all.

Some of you might know that I am a very superstitious person. I hardly ever watch Man Utd matches 'Live', because I believe myself to be a sort of jinx to their fortunes. Sounds stupid, I know, but I do have anecdotal evidence to back this superstition up. The only matches I've seen in full this season were the 4-0 win over Dynamo Kiev and the 4-0 win over Villa, both of them matches which were either deadweight (Kiev), or one I felt mightily confident about (Villa). However, this should take nothing away from my support of my team. I'll tell you why.

Most fans (at least Singaporean ones) would probably be going 'Man Utd champions! Woot!'. While that's all fine and dandy, it's not a very good measure of how much the person supports the team. I have actually cried tears of happiness at 3 key parts of the run-in to the two title-winning games:

First time: The Champions League semi-final 2nd Leg against Barcelona. Granted, I didn't watch the match live, but I've seen the reruns of the match as well as video clips of Scholes' goal, and every single time I've seen it (3 times), I've cried. I just start sobbing when I see Scholes receive Zambrotta's poor clearance, set himself up for the shot, then let rip with a trademark Scholes effort, totally unstoppable. Why? Because Scholes is, well, Scholes. A long-serving and brilliant member of the United squad, a certified United legend. For him to score such an important goal... It's just fantastic.

Second time: The final Premier League game against Wigan. Once I got news that Ryan Giggs had scored a second goal to all but secure the title for Man Utd, I rushed down to watch the final 10 minutes of the match. When the final whistle blew, I shouted in delight. The best was yet to come, however. Watching Ryan Giggs, Man Utd's appearance record holder at 759 (and counting) appearances for the club, and club captain, step up to receive the trophy and raise it triumphantly into the air also made me start sobbing, crying tears of joy once again. Why? Because Ryan Giggs. 'Nuff said.

Third time: Obviously the Champions League Final. Having seen only the penalty shootout so far (on Youtube), there's not much to pick from. Nevertheless, Van der Sar's trophy-winning save also made me cry. Seeing the whole team (including the management team) run towards him from the dugout and the centre circle, that's just amazing. It reminded me of the images at the final of '99, with Solskjaer being mobbed after scoring the winner. I cried, I cried unabashedly.

The best thing about all this success is all the fate and destiny associated with it. It had to be Scholes to score the goal to send the team into the CL Final. It had to be Giggs to score the goal which clinched the Premier League title. And it definitely HAD to be Giggs to score what proved to be the winning penalty in the Champions League final and winning the two biggest trophies an English club can win in the same season he becomes the new holder of the record of making the most appearance for Man Utd. As captain, too.

Of course, we cannot forget that this amazing season is on the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster, which makes it YET more special. The survivors of that disaster were in the audience of this historic achievement at the expense of the club.

All this history and fate and destiny intertwined in the success of Man Utd is the main reason why I love them so much. I honestly cannot think of another club whose success has so much history involved with it, from any part of the world.

So I'll end off by saying that I'll always be a Man Utd fan. It's been 9 years since I started supporting them. I don't intend to stop, ever.

SALUTE THE DOUBLE CHAMPIONS! KINGS OF ENGLAND, KINGS OF EUROPE!

2008-05-16T23:08:00.002+08:00

So I've been mostly on my back the last two days with a mysterious and inexplicable recurrance of mumps.

In case you didn't know, mumps is one of those sicknesses that should only occur once in a person's lifetime, like chickenpox for example. So imagine my surprise when I was awoken with pains in the sides of my head at 4am, Thursday morning. I woke up thinking, 'This can't be for real' but the mirror confirmed it; mumps. Again.

As such I've missed 2 days of school, so the long weekend has become an ultra-long one for me. Nevertheless it still feels like I didn't 'earn' it, if you know what I mean. I've spoken before about 'earning my keep' when it comes to work and holidays/weekends, and this time it's no different.

There was supposed to be a test today too, but I managed to work it out with the teacher and I'll be getting a 2nd opportunity at it next week, I think.

In my spare time I've mostly been sleeping off the effects of the medication (drowsiness, mostly) and just, as per normal, surfing the net. Blog-hopped cos I was seriously bored, and read things I... Well, I don't know how to describe what I feel about them.

Mainly I suppose it's the idea of the person blogging, the impression I get of the person from reading his/her posts. And then I compare that with what they showcase in real life, and I feel that many, many people are either betraying themselves, living second lives, or have multiple personalities, myself included.

Let's use me as a case study, eh? Now, for me it's not a case of betraying myself or living a second life. I just have 2 (that I can distinguish so far) distinct personalities: The one that you see in the flesh is a fierce-looking, but actually quite funny person. I do sometimes 'turn off' and go into my own world, but really it's for the best (I'll go into this at a later time, it's long enough to deserve a post of its own). In this particular persona I laugh at lame jokes, dumb jokes, and politically incorrect jokes.

Now the second persona, the one that appears on this blog. The serious, introspective, perhaps in some ways boring person. The one that looks at everything that happens around him (or at least those that he does notice) as well as within him and spells everything out in the hope that by doing so he'll have a better understanding of the world. The one that sometimes feels despair for this world we live in and the direction it is taking.

Now those two are almost polar opposites, right? Here's where it gets confusing; splice those two together and the result is the full product. How can two such very different personalities co-exist within the same body and not cause some spontaneous combustion of some kind? That, there, is the complexity of the average human being (or at least as far as I know). You see, the thing with me is that I can have both personas working together at the same time, cos they are able to mish-mash together.

Some other people's multiple personas are too different for them to combine without a volatile reaction and that's when we get people who talk one way in the flesh but then appear to be a completely different person on his/her blog. I feel that this kind of situation is pretty sad, but not in the 'Christ you guys are pathetic' sense. Rather, it's in the 'Ah well. Take your time' sense. I think I managed to find myself pretty quick, in terms of what defines me and what are the unique aspects of my character. Other people might take longer, some might even never do it. Who's to say?

Anyway, it is interesting, isn't it? This multiple personality thing almost all of us have.

I'll end off with this song which describes everything I've said to an absolute tee. Cheers guys.

Billy Joel - The Stranger

Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself

Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognise
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he isn't always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along

2008-05-13T19:27:00.002+08:00

Just a little anecdote I forgot to talk about when it happened:

I watched United's 4-0 win over Villa, right? Well, remember how the first goal was scored? It was from a corner, with Ronaldo flicking the ball into the net after it dropped for him. When the corner was about to be taken, the clock flashed 15:50-something. I told myself, at the time, 'If the corner is taken after the clock goes into the 16-minute mark, United will score.'

Lo and behold, the corner was taken soon after the clock elapsed into 16 minutes, and Ronaldo went on to score.

Psychic abilities, anyone? :P

2008-05-09T23:54:00.002+08:00

Week's finally over.

As I said in the previous post, this has been the most trying week I've had since I started school. Of all the things I had to do, most concluded in a satisfying manner, though there was one big blot on proceedings. Project-related, screwed up shit, and no, it wasn't yours truly who was responsible. As a result I'm pissed about it all.

I don't intend to elaborate on that, waste of time and effort. Other stuff worked out. I chose not to go to the band camp, but nevertheless did start talking to a few of the other Year One trumpet section people. It's been a huge change; for the first time in my life the trumpet section is actually quite substantial in size, and the majority of them were guys. Big difference from AMK, where the guys were ridiculously outnumbered and, at least throughout my tenure there, the section was always small.

Oh well, at least things are looking up, for the week ahead at least. No obligations to fulfill, nothing to worry about, just a regular week at school. And I've got this weekend which I intend to thoroughly enjoy. I earned it man, I earned it.

In other matters, I just feel like being straight up and say that for the last month or so I've been thinking about a certain girl. However, those thoughts have mostly dissapated. No idea why they have, but they have. Perhaps I'm just too busy with other things, like my schoolwork. I still have alot of things I don't know about and haven't experienced that don't involve a girl. School is sort-of-fun, where the worst case scenario still at least consists of the chance to joke with Vishal and Ying Wei.

I didn't have people like them around me when I was in secondary school. That led to me doubting myself and my beliefs on a constant basis. Still, despite the trials and tribulations I managed to keep my character and beliefs, and god-DAMN am I glad for it.

Well, off to enjoy my hard-earned weekend. A couple of late nights, and days filled with doing whatever the hell my heart desires. There's no better recipe for happiness, haha.

2008-05-07T23:03:00.002+08:00

Been meaning to blog the past few days, but really just been too damn tired and occupied lately.

That's not to say I'm really free now. I still have stuff to settle, and some other decisions to make before the end of the week.

Much has happened recently. I completely owned my ITAB (IT Applications in Business) test, 110/120. I met up with Shi Kai and Abygail just to hang out on the same day. Ran into Price, first time I've seen her though I've known for some time that she and Abygail are best friends. There isn't much to say about the whole meetup, it was just to chill, to talk, to laugh. That sort of thing.

Joined the band, there's a camp on Friday. No idea if I'm going or not. On the one hand it'll probably do wonders in helping me to settle in to this new environment, on the other hand, I hate camps with a passion. I hate those dumb games orientation camps usually make us play. Now, before you think I'm the sort who would say 'I hate it' but then go along with it anyway, you'd only be half-right. If I didn't have a choice I would just try to make the best of it, but if I DID have a choice I'd be bitching non-stop. Still not sure if I'm going for it or not. I'll make my mind up by tomorrow.

Oh, forgot. I went out with my brother to Clarke Quay on Saturday. Parents were out of town, in Thailand, to celebrate their anniversary, so my brother and I were independent for 5 days or so. Had some stuff to drink while out with him. To be honest, while I think I can hold my liquor, I don't think it's likely that I'll find a type of alcohol whose taste I'll like. I've tried beer, stout, and now tequila and whiskey and none of them taste really nice to me. I'll probably never take up drinking, if only because I don't like the taste.

Well I guess that's been all. It's been a novel few days, some new stuff and so on, but I guess I'm making it all sound really boring here. That's just probably because I'm shit tired with all the projects I've had to do recently, plus the stress of making up my mind about the band camp and everything.

Tomorrow's another long day... Gotta be up early to meet with my group to finalise some presentation stuff. I'll be so glad when this week is over. It's been the most trying week I've had since I started school, that's for sure.

Till next time then =)

2008-04-29T23:40:00.002+08:00

I have nothing to say at the moment, just that I'm extremely pissed off as a result of a few things at the moment.

Inefficiency, uncertainty, stupidity... List goes on.

Add fatigue to the equation and what you get is one very, very angry man. Like a volcano which hasn't erupted but really it's just a matter of time.

Let's just get tomorrow over with. I want my holiday and weekend.

Till then, I don't know what I can do to curb this anger.

Fucking retarded.

2008-04-21T22:58:00.002+08:00

In terms of language, topic matter and sheer fluidity I think it'll be some time before I top that last post of mine. It may be 11 paragraphs long (12 if you count the shortest one) but it just all came naturally to me. When inspiration hits, it is a joy to be able to just keep writing. Whilst 'in the zone', writing is like a drug to me.

The words just flow, like water in a river. You get into a slipstream and just go where it takes you. Writing can be the most addictive drug.

In other matters, John Lennon as well as some songs from the Vintage Rock (both I and II) are filling my 'recently played' playlists now. It really is quite amusing to see a Megadeth song just before a John Lennon classic. This juxtaposition is another example of the diverse musical tastes I have.

I actually don't have much to say. I pretty much used up my creative tank in that last post. Anything following it would be a completely rubbish post in contrast. That's the crappy thing about me and my writing: I produce this magnificent masterpiece and then my next few articles (or whatever you want to call them) are pretty drab. At least, to me they are. I always have this 'cooldown period' thing before I can write good stuff again...

I should end here. This horse isn't going to be able to survive many more steps, I shouldn't be pushing it too hard. I'll have to try to accept just 'good' work for a little while now. Will never be able to satisfy myself if I take that last one as the benchmark, haha.

Still can't believe I managed to write all that...

2008-04-17T17:54:00.004+08:00

Just watched a little of the movie 'Finding Forrester' on HBO.

In the likely chance that the majority of you wouldn't know the movie too well, it's about this pulitzer-prize winning author who is also incredibly reclusive, shutting himself off from the rest of the world not long after his award-winning novel was published. It was also the only one he ever published. He stays in the Bronx, a 'bad neighbourhood' in New York, so to speak. Through chance, he makes friends with a 16 year old African-American student who has been recently offered a scholarship to a prestigious private school. This student, despite the environment he has grown up in, is extremely bright and a brilliant writer, if abit rough around the edges until he meets Forrester.

It's a good movie, and it got me thinking about my own writing capabilities. Now, I don't wish to sound like an asshole or anything, but my essays are pretty good. I honestly can't remember the last time I got anything less than an A for an essay, besides that one time Mrs Lai failed me purely because she felt I wasn't mature enough to write about what I wrote (office politics). I was pissed off at the time, but looking back, I think she had a point. Besides, if anything, I was one of her favourite students, so there couldn't be any reason to fail me besides the given one. While I might have a very good idea of the world and its workings, I'm not stupid enough to say that I know it all. She might have had a point. I appreciated her input, every time. Not easy to find another teacher so willing to adapt to the (limited) resources available to her yet still be so much like herself.

Anyway, back to the thoughts the movie provoked in me. I've always taken my writing seriously, especially in recent years. I used to always write essays that could be easily adapted to Hardy Boys books; alot of my earlier work included two or more boys stumbling upon adventure, be they smugglers (a Hardy Boys staple, hah) or robbers or whatever. Those, well, always made for good, light reading. They were the sort of stories you'd pick up and read, and, while not being in any way moved by the language, you'd find yourself enjoying the pure simplicity of the story, the sheer innocence of it all. Innocence in the sense of easily foreseen happy endings, and the generic way the two boys always got rewarded for their efforts. I don't think I ever brought anyone on a journey in those stories; I merely took you for a leisurely stroll in the park. Not awe-inspiring but enjoyable nevertheless.

Then I began getting more melancholy in my upper secondary years, seeing more of the world, experiencing more emotions; basically finding out that the world is a horrible place and life is just simply the human spirit shining through the dirt, willing ourselves to make the best of the circumstances.

I began putting more thought into my essays. I always tried to look for ways and means to tug at the heartstrings of the readers. The beauty of it was, I always tried my best to make these little things as unnoticeable as possible. If you ever read one of my essays and felt moved but couldn't explain why, then I did my job. Of course, this didn't always work out, due to a lack of inspiration or, most of the time, a lack of time to really flesh out the story. The end product in such cases was usually another one of those enjoyable stories, which I still find nice to write, but still, they of course lacked that little magical something.

It's not often I finish an essay and think to myself, 'That was great. That was great.' I would still score good marks any way you looked at it, so in the end it became more of a case of satisfying my own desire to strike a chord with the reader rather than to get a good grade. I can only remember feeling really proud of an essay (in terms of fulfilling this desire I have) about once or twice, three times tops. Luckily, one of those times was in the O Levels. I can't be bothered to go into the details of the story, but it was touching, and I don't usually do 'touching'. When inspiration hits, it hits.

The movie made me think about writing about more serious topics. Things like friendship and other social situations, or other such things. In such topics though, I'm severely lacking. I hardly write about such things, and I might sound bitter in the papers if I did, considering my life experiences. The ultimate achievement would be to be able to write a book or article that would make life-weary adults be able to smile and feel positive about life again. Everyone knows how dreary life can be, how shitty it can be and all. To be able to write a book which would help the human spirit shine through all those layers of pessimism and cynicism once again, that would be the best thing I could do with my life.

I live in a country driven by nothing but paper qualifications and money. Really the only reasons I'm where I am. SP, studying for a diploma in Banking and Finance. Given a real choice, in a place where money and paper qualifications aren't so important, do you honestly think I would go the same route? Leave the control of economic markets to other people. Leave the ruling of the world to other people. I just want to express myself through words.

I'll admit, I do want a big house, with nice cars and everything. Just as my brother wants to be able to top what our father has provided for us (which is pretty good already, to be honest), I want to be able to just succeed. My father has owned a Mercedes once. My brother wants to match, then top that. I want to top my brother. It's not a matter of competition as we're as close brothers as you can find; rather, I just want to prove to myself that I can do all I want.

Money makes this world go round, no matter how idealistic you may be. Love may be the lubricant, but money is what really makes the turning occur. Therefore we all gotta aim to earn top dollar. It's sad really; pretty soon everyone just becomes contestants in this rat race we call life. In Singapore, nothing much comes from going against this and trying to be something fresh. Singaporean celebrities' status fail terribly when compared to other countries' celebrities, for example. Big fish, but in an incredibly small pond. No point to that.

If I could write for a living, what a life that would be. Even if I couldn't have that, if I could just write that story that allows the human spirit to shine through all the grime, I'd die happy. I wouldn't even mind dying right after finding out the book was a success. I would have left a mark.

And that's all that really matters.

2008-04-13T21:55:00.002+08:00

Heard from a couple of places that it's the one-year anniversary of AMKSS Band's historic Gold with Honours achievement.

Have to say it never really occured to me. Nevertheless it still ranks as the greatest achievement I've had in my short life so far.

Those days were crazy... Hectic, tiring, disappointing, euphoric, almost every emotion a human being can experience.

The run-up to the day was the craziest. If I'm not wrong April 12 2007 was a Thursday. The three days in the week preceding that fateful day all contained tests. Now, while I never really did very well for tests and exams in upper sec, I usually cared when I did well or not. However that wasn't the case that week. The tests consisted of one English, one Chem and one A Math test, if I'm not wrong. The A Math one was on one of the few topics I actually could do... English was English, no biggie... But I'm pretty sure I totally fudged the Chem test. There was a practice on the day of the Chem test... I remember it was an all-round bad day because I was pissed over the Chem test and THEN had a bad practice. Sounded like crap, I did.

Nevertheless I didn't really care on the whole. SYF was SYF after all.

The day is just a blur in my mind now; I still remember some details but on the whole the whole day went by just like that. Got there, checked in, waited for our turn, played, got off, MaccyD breakfast. Then went in to hear some other bands, and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep halfway through. Then result-time, tense as hell, announcement, sheer exaltation, then the 'fallout' of the euphoria. I remember BT bought us all chocolate bars earlier, and that I didn't start on mine until we were on the bus back to school. Remember offering some to Clara and the other section members.

That's all I remember. Some details, like the choccy one, I don't know why I remember them. Great day, it was.

Winning the top honour was of course the main reason for my happiness on the day, but there were also other underlying factors to my joy, the hugest of which was Vindication (yes, with a capital V). I've talked about this before, the vindication of my methods, of my ideas and of my ideals.

Band 79. Gold with Honours. Vindication.

Ah, April 12th. You beautiful, beautiful date.